


It wasn't supposed to be like this.

by AbandonedbySSB (sightsoblind)



Series: Dead Works [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Dark, Discussion of Abortion, Dragon Age II Spoilers, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Qun, Sexual Content, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-11 17:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 53,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3331844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sightsoblind/pseuds/AbandonedbySSB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ok... After getting a better idea of where this work was headed and what I am doing with it there is a new summary lol. That's the folly of being a first time writer. </p><p>Marian Hawke loves and loses and loves again. Her childhood was terror and running and it taught her not to trust or to let go too much. Her years in Kirkwall will teach her to fan the flames of desire and love but burns do happen when sparks fly... </p><p>This is a story of friendship love loss and hurt. And just a girl in the middle trying to protect the people she cares about no matter what the cost to herself is. </p><p>This is only mutiple romance in the sense that no one falls in love the first time for forever. Only one boyfriend at a time. But each will leave marks on her heart that will never leave and she will change each of them in turn that will shape the men they will become.</p><p>This is an evolving work with a general idea of where it's going following cannonical events with fill in around the game I neither intend to make it easy or kind to her. But this is my first work and I am committed to seeing it to its intended ending. I am also open to ideas and suggestions from readers as we learn together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Defineing Moment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Quieta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quieta/gifts).



> I dedicate this work to the amazing author who encouraged me to write it.  
> To Quieta, This never would have lived outside of my head without you. You are amazing and talented and everyone needs to read Seiri.  
> "The greatest sin in life is when talent succumbs to doubt." Never doubt keep on writing.

There is a point in every life that defines everything that comes after. For most of Ferelden it happened on that bloody day at Ostagar. With King Cailan dead and the wardens wiped out there was nothing to stop the advance of the Darkspawn Horde. For Marian Hawke however it came long before then. 

* * *

 

It was such a pretty day as she sat on the edge of the field. Just her and Daddy for the first time in _forever and ever_ _._ She was waiting with the basket of lunch and a water skin watching him as he dug deep into the Ferelden mud and harvested the carrots that would go to market in the morning. Marian stared at the lunch basket mouth watering with the thought food that seemed sooo far away. Daddy was doing it the LONG way! She waited and waited for ages it was almost FIFTEEN MINUTES! When she couldn't take it any longer she began to wriggle her fingers down into the dirt. She reached deep and felt the magic in the earth. Then she let her own reach out and touch it just like Daddy taught her. One tiny push later and the entire field of carrots ejected themselves from the soil and flew up into the air raining down in a shower of vegetables and loose dirt just waiting to be picked up.

She laughed and clapped crying out loudly, "I helped Daddy! Now we can be done and have lunch!"

But Malcolm Hawke was not amused, he was terrified. The glint of polished armor coming around the turn in the lane had his heart pounding and his ears ringing. No please sweet Andraste not while his eldest was here. If he must be found let him be found alone. Malcolm wrapped an arm around the child's waist and tossed her into the cart throwing a burlap sack over her and turned to the field with a look that he hoped showed confusion, not just the fear that was coiling deep and cold in his gut.

"Greetings! Funny weather we're having today eh friend?" the Templar called out as he approached.

 Malcolm turned to him slowly his heart beating wildly in his chest. He was too far from his staff as Leandra insisted he keep it at the house rather than go running about with it. She claimed it just screamed apostate for anyone who happened to spot it.

"What in the name of Andraste's great blooming knickers was THAT?" Templar's eyes narrowed. Malcolm knew it was over the mage hunter wasn't the least bit fooled by his act.

Cold eyes scanned the area and came to rest upon the cart. He had spotted the tiny delicate slipper that stuck out under the sack hiding Marian. If only Malcolm had taken just one moment more to check she was fully covered. Very carefully so as not to startle the young mage buried beneath the Templar pulled the cloth back.

"Hey there sweetheart," He began gently and Malcolm relaxed hoping against hope the Templar could be convinced to let the girl go. To say goodbye to her family with an agreement to deliver her to the circle themselves. Then they could run from there. It had never been this close before but it wouldn't be the first time. He thanked what ever grace the Maker had to spare for an Apostate and his little girl when she smiled bright as the sun gentle and fearless.

"Hi! Did you see it? Did you? I got so tired of waiting then it was done just like that!" She turned to Malcolm. "Daddy can we have lunch now?" The well practiced innocence rehearsed in the dark of night fell flawlessly from her lips. A deception taught to convince any who might discover her this was the first emergence of her magic, not a willful hiding since before she could fully speak. It was one of many tricks he'd taught her to keep her abilities hidden, to keep her safe from the circle, safe from the right of tranquility. It was a horror that killed a mage and didn't even have the decency to let there be a corpse to mourn and bury. But it had been necessary Marian had begun showing her talents before she was out of pinafores.

"I did! That was very good! Where did you learn to do something like that smart girl?" The Templar smiled widely.

She shook her head and true to everything Malcolm had ever told her, "Nobody taught me. I was just so hungry and Daddy was taking FOREVER to get the carrots out. I can't maintain my girlish figg're if I _starve_ to deaf!" Cute, innocent, accidental and above all harmless and kind. She was perfect in the practiced deception. It appeared the Templar bought it.

Now it was Malcolm's turn, "You don't suppose... She couldn't be there ain't no magic in the line Messere."

"She's got the gift ser. No doubt she needs to be coming to the circle." And without a further warning the hand gently on her ankle gripped her tight and it felt like there was no air in her lungs. She was empty in a manner she had never known before more than being unable to breathe or a deep hunger or thirst some time in the future she would learn the word bereft and immediately remember the feeling in the back of the wagon that day as she slammed back and the world went dark.

Malcolm saw red. The hand on his little girls ankle made slow small circles with his thumb as it slid up her calf catching just under the hem of her long skirt and Malcolm was pulled back in time...

 

* * *

 

_"Shh quiet your tears, let me help you find a good spot" large hands slid around from behind him in the storeroom pulling him up into the cold breastplate at his back as the Templar moved behind him filling him in place of the magic that had been stripped away with just a touch. The tender tones and light touches contrary to the nightmares_ _of this and so many more stolen moments at his mercy that would haunt the boy until he died so many years later.  
_

 

* * *

 

The magic came to his hands almost unbidden crackling between them seeing every Templar that had ever betrayed their charges and as he let loose. His heart dropped as it washed right over the man. The sword slid easily off of the Templar's back as he advanced on Malcolm. But the path was committed now, there was no backing out.

"Apostate," The way the man said it so calm so cold it almost sounded like a greeting to an old adversary.

"I will not let you touch her Templar," and with that it began. The Templar's steel met with the handle of the shovel as it spun and twirled flipped and slapped as if it were his staff but it did little more than to slow the Templar's progress. Malcolm had no robes only simple home spun clothes. He held no well weighted staff trying to defend with an old rusty shovel. But the Templar was undaunted and advanced down on the man bereft of the tools of his craft. After only a few moments it was all but over as he lay in the dirt staring down the blade just under his chin. The cold smile stole over his face again.

"A maleficar and a pretty little apostate saved from his clutches and depravity. They'll promote me to Knight-Commander for sure. Greagoir can't compete with..." and his words trailed off.

The Templar's face went a pale ghostly white and the blade fell from his fingers landing hard across the prone mage. A bruise would be the only injury to show for it later. Still trying to figure out what happened Malcolm scrambled out of the way to not be under the Templar as he fell. Standing just behind him tiny hands drenched in blood stood Marian. There was so much blood Malcolm almost wished for death. _Please Sweet Andraste oh Dear Maker please no._ He grabbed Marian harder than he had intended and found the little blade in her hand, a farm knife, hooked back to separate cabbages from their roots. Great full sobs grew up from his chest as she stood silent and solemn. Simply staring at the back of the dead Templar before her, dead at her own hands. He washed her as fast as he could splashing the water skin everywhere. The blood and water stained her dress as he searched for the cut on her. Terrified of the knowledge she might have called on a demon. That she had used blood magic in her moment of fear. He could find no cut the blood was not her own. The pounding in his ears quieted and he took her little face between his hands.

"Marian, are you hurt baby are you ok?"

For the first time since it happened she turned her eyes away from the body back to her father and whispered so quiet he had to strain to hear, "It doesn't hurt. They just get really cold and then its all over."

Confusion joined the rolling emotions beating at his chest, "What doesn't hurt baby? What are you talking about?"

"It's how Matthew killed goats back in Redcliffe quick cut inside the thigh, deep and long right Daddy?" With all the hope tied up in that question the burning innocence that begged to be answered Malcolm pulled her close burying her face into his shirt front and clinging to his little girl for dear life.

"That's right baby, that's right." he said softly trying to control his shaking and the twisting in his gut at the knowledge that a few moments later he would have been dead and his precious little Marian hauled off to the circle.

He worked quickly after that all pretense gone as he stripped the body of easily resold valuables and used magic to create a shallow grave and cover it over. It would be found soon enough best to make it look like a robbery gone wrong.

"Sweetheart, We can't tell Mommy do you understand?" As she nodded he knew she did. They gathered everything quickly and made back toward the little home they had made for themselves just the last spring. He stole her a clean dress off a wash line along the way and stopped to bathe her in a trickling stream. He burnt the blood covered clothes. The twins were laughing and playing with little rattles he had carved them as they sat in the dirt their chubby little baby hands so perfect, unbidden the image of Marian's hands soaked in blood once more surged to the front of his mind.

Marian ran over and scooped her little brother up into her arms pressing kisses to his downy head. There was no question who her favorite was already. She had been the first to hold him when he was born as Bethany was following closely behind. He tried to smile at Leandra but she knew immediately something wasn't right.

"What is it? What has happened?" She asked fear in her eyes.

"Almost got spotted our girl got a little excited and sent an entire field of carrots thirty feet into the air. We need to move, maybe north we're damn near into the the wilds as it is. We can sell this harvest on the way." Leandra nodded solemnly and began to pack the few things they owned. She never complained and never cried she just put her things together and moved on. _'Anywhere so long as I'm with you.'_ She had told him once and he promised her someday when things settled when their girl had a better handle on her skills they would find a place and make a forever home.

 

* * *

 

If Leandra noticed that Marian had left in a green dress and returned in a brown one she never said a word, and if she noticed the six year old sized bloody hand prints staining her husbands vest as she washed it next she never let on. She just packed everything away thankful in a few short years Marian would finally get her outbursts under control and they could build a real life somewhere.

 

* * *

 

 

Years down the road Marian would recant the story only to her truest friend and closest companion. It would be the only time it was ever spoken of until she stood at the Makers side and begged forgiveness as the first in a long list of sins.


	2. The Boy and The Hound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke's first kiss, and far from the last time Carver acts the ass and shoots himself in the foot.

"Have you seen your sister?" Carver looked up from the sword he had been  trying to sharpen. It was an old overly dull thing but he had worked for it with his own two hands.

"Last I saw her she was with mother doing some sewing. Why?" and at the look that crossed his fathers face he knew that he had not meant Bethany. Of course why would he wonder where Bethany had gotten off to she didn't run off like Marian, Bethany didn't do any of the worrying things Marian did. Never once had she lost her temper and set something aflame. Never had she gotten into a verbal sparing match that led to accusations of heresy for her views on Andraste's true meaning in regard to mages. Bethany was a good sister. But all the same Carver put the blade aside.

"I'll find her why don't you go in and get washed up before dinner. Mother might enjoy clean hands at the table for once." Malcolm smiled at Carver and pulled him close planting a kiss on the top of his head. 

"Thank you Carver. Someday I swear that girl will be the death of me she needs to keep low until Arl Howe's guests leave. Free Marchers are notoriously anti mage." Carver just smiled and shook his head.

"I'll drag her back if I have to Father you can trust me."

"I know Carver, I know."

Malcolm disappeared into the home they shared on the edge of Amaranthine and the boy set off. Twelve summers old and he was constantly plagued by one issue or another with his older sister. After spending the better part of an hour asking around the city itself he turned toward Vigil's Keep. If she had gone... if she had put them all in danger he would never forgive her. 

 

* * *

 

 

Marian on the other hand was convinced in just fifteen more minutes Carver would love her forever. She was pressed hard against the wall of the kennel by the boy with stunning blue eyes and cheek bones that could cut glass and a voice that made her head swim.

"The Chantry won't let you keep him?" She said between kisses.

"The Grand Cleric said one bag of clothing and nothing else. I am to be a Brother. The memories of your lips will need to last me many a long night." His hands snaked up into her hair the full length of him pressing against her and with abandon she pressed back. This moment was far too precious to leave to chance. She welcomed every touch and each cares as his hands found their way beneath the thin cotton of the blouse the corset already fallen at her feet. She returned tentative touches in return. Every time before it had only taken a few flutters of her lashes and a well placed compliment to get her what she needed. Weather it was a hiding place or a discount on her purchases. But this young man as she could not rightly call him a boy had sinful hands that wandered where they liked and what she wanted this time was far too precious to ask him to slow down enough that her head stopped spinning. He ran a thumb over one nipple and dipped his head to bite the other through the thin cloth of her shirt. She almost came undone in that moment but the imposing figure in the highly official suit was standing in the doorway staring at her like he knew. It was as if she had been dropped in an icy cold bath and she knew for certain it was run or die like never before if the sigil of  
Andraste on his chest and the pure fire of the maker in his eyes was any indication. But it was not she that ended up bearing the wrath as the boy in front of her was snatched back and given a good shaking.

"You are an embarrassment! To myself, to your poor mother, to the entire city of Starkhaven!" The boy just ducked his head and smiled calm as day. She thought she was going to light on fire with the heat in her cheeks! "Gather ya bits boy and get back to the house and I swear if ya so much as stray from my sight even a moment before we leave ya will be learning the chant with a broken tail-bone I'll whip ya so hard." The mountian of a man turned to Marian. "Ye alright lass? I'm sorry bout the boy. He's a bit of a bounder." Marian nodded dumbly.

She had been sure it was all a bluff. She was half afraid the promises he had made had been false but if one were true...

When he lifted the pup from his kennel and pressed him into her arms her heart almost exploded. "Give him a good home Myra. The cold cloistered halls of the Chantry are no good place for a creature The Maker himself designed to be free."

The elder man dragged the boy off by the back of his shirt collar muttering. "It's a void dammed Mabari their not Maker born boy mages fiddled them up to somethin' unholy."

"Marian," she whispered into the empty air. "My name is Marian." But she had it, the puppy Carver had always wanted. She snatched up her corset clinging tightly to the precious cargo and ran out. Directly into Carver.

 

* * *

 

 

Marian was a sight to behold her corset off her shirt untucked her lips red and swollen and her hair every which way. He'd seen the man noble by the looks of him drag a boy out only a minute before who had looked rather pleased with himself and Carver now knew why.

"Father's worried half to death. You need to come home, now." For makers sake that was his void-dammed sister. He never ever wanted to think about her like THAT.

Marian started to say something but he just stormed off he'd wasted an entire afternoon searching worrying and becoming convinced she'd been taken and the Templars would be coming for Father and Bethany next. She was just so void dammed selfish! His entire afternoon wasted and she'd been getting snogged in the void dammed dog kennel of all blasted places. His sister was starting to turn into a right proper whore! He stomped his way all the way back to the house trying to figure out what he would tell Mother. Certainly not the truth it would break her heart. They'd all been convinced she was in trouble, obviously not the case he could see now.

Marian just stood there staring at his retreating back, "But... I got him for you."  She began the walk back trying to get her self as presentable as possible before facing the wrath of her earthly makers. Twenty minutes later she was slipping in trying to remain as small as possible, and failing.

"Marian where have you been I've been worried sick!" Leandra cried not even moving from her stitching.

Marian smiled gently. "There there Mother I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself." It was then that the bundle of fur in her arms was spotted.

"Marian what are you holding there? What is that? Carver what had your sister gotten into? You said she was just speaking with a friend and lost the time."

"Its a Mabari I got it..."

"You keep that flea bitten little half breed runt away from me!" Carver stated with fire in his eyes. "I swear if I find teeth marks in my leathers I'll muzzle that thing and lock it outside!"

Anything else Marian would have said died on her lips. The hound sunk hard back into her chest with each word she watched his ears droop and eyes grow sad.

That was the boy the girl with the sweet smell had been telling him about on the way back. The boy that would have raised him up to be a proper War Hound. That was the boy who was going to be the greatest warrior Thedas had ever known and he would have followed him to the ends of the earth. The hound heard every word and young though he was he knew what it meant. His boy, his very own warrior, didn't want him.

"CARVER!" It wasn't often Malcolm yelled but he meant it when he did. "Carver that pup is as smart as any man and understands what you say. You will watch your mouth and keep a civil tongue in your head for Andraste's sake."

Marian turned on her heal and ran out the door taking the pup with her.

"Malcolm," was all Leandra said in a tone he could never say no to. So out he went seeking his eldest.

 

* * *

 

 

He found her crying beneath a tree not even thirty yards away the pup barely weened licking the tears from her cheeks as she held him tight and cried her whole body shaking. Malcolm slid down his back against the wide tree beside her.

"He was supposed to be for Carver Daddy. He was supposed to be a present. Their name day is only a week away and I..." and with that she burst into tears again. Malcolm gathered her in his lap and rocked her like she was a child again letting her cry it out. 

"Mabari don't grow on trees. Where did he come from?" He waited as she took a deep breath and began the tale.

"There was a boy at the keep Daddy and he said he was a present from Nathaniel as a good bye before he goes off to the Chantry. But the Chantry won't let him keep it and he made me promise to give him a good home." He looked at her then and for a moment could only see his little girl from so long ago when it was just the three of them and life was so simple. He didn't want to ask, but could not help it.

"Did you use magic? Did you do anything? Anything at all that could lead to," He took a deep breath, "questions?"

"No Daddy I swear,"

And then as one the two spoke, "My magic shall serve what is best in me not that which is most base."

Finally Malcolm took in his daughter fully her swollen lips and her crooked top her hastily combed hair and everything fell into place. No magic, only that that all girls her age held over all boys. He did not wish to be relieved she had kissed a boy well enough to gift her a Mabari, she was still his little girl in his eyes, but it was better than the alternatives. She learned so fast everything he could teach her and so much she taught herself and shared back to him. She would have been the greatest mage of her generation if she had been in the circle,  but he wanted her life to be full of more than magic and Templars. He wanted her to find love. He wanted her to find a life outside of her talents.

"I'm sorry, I had to ask." And as she tucked her head down curling around the puppy and leaning against him she responded.

"I know Daddy, I know."

"So what are you going to name the little monster?"

"Shartan. He too was betrayed by the people he was trying to free." Malcolm's brow lifted at that.

"Who died and made you Andraste? Try again."

Miriam smiled and looked at the puppy happily wagging in her arms and as he nipped with his little sharp teeth at her fingers and nose trying to coax a smile out of her she knew. "Payne I am going to call him Payne. In honor of the boy who was too dumb to stop being a pain in my ass long enough to get a Mabari for his name day."

Malcolm laughed. "Alright Payne it is. But try not to rub it into Carver's face. You know how much he's dreamed of one."

With a smile he lifted her to her feet. "Come on and wash your face have some dinner and we'll get to your lessons again. Your mother threatened to give your dinner to Carver so feel free to take a bit longer if you'd like to see him not go completely empty handed.

As Malcolm walked away he could of sworn he heard her say to the dog. "You're very lucky Carver wanted you so badly. I don't think I would have let him bite me like that if it was just for me. But on second thought I might not mind it so much if he ever tried it again."

 

* * *

 

 

Marian wouldn't learn the name of that boy in the kennels until years later. The first shock would be his name but the deepest would be his vows of chastity. "Maker," she would think looking at him as a full grown man, "his vows of chastity should be a sin unto themselves."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kindly comment even if you do not comment kindly. Are Sebastian's vows of chastity a sin against the maker Dear Readers?


	3. Hawke is no longer very fond of Satinalia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been coming since the day Malcolm fled the circle. No one ever thought it would end like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Dear Readers,  
> I want to put forward a note of explanation. I heavily research this story and was so excited to find that things did add up in the canonical storyline. Its even possible for everyone of theese people to be right where they are at this time. Also some words  
>  Firstfall November  
> Satinalia One of 5 major holidays this one in Firstfall  
> Smalls Panties  
> Speaking of panties   
> MALCOLM LEANDRA SEX if parent sex or any sex is squicky to you stop when you see *** and pick it up again after You lose nothin but the lovins  
> Can you spot all the Cameos? Name them in the comments below and win a prize!

 

Mid-Firstfall in southern Ferelden was beautiful. For such a muddy brown country it was amazing what could happen. Marian was sitting in the backyard of the farm the week before Satinalia. They had lived here a few years now and it felt like it was going to stick this time. Someone who had known her parents years ago had left Mother and Daddy a farm in his will that was rented once in her youth. Payne loved it too he was constantly running off and finding "treasures" in the dirt and hauling them home. Carver seemed to like it too if the giggles he and Peaches shared secretly when they thought no one was around were anything to go by. Miriam sometimes wished he had been the one to end up with Payne when she saw the two of them together. She smiled at the thought that the boy who was her first kiss might be the cause of him being her last. Not many boys were interested in kissing a girl who was followed everywhere by a 130 pound Mabari. The little demon himself came trotting up just then carrying a stolen cake before flopping down at her feet and dropping it in her lap.

She laughed "Now where did you get that you little sneak thief! Am I going to have angry children storming the farm demanding Doggy rides to make up for the fact they have no cake?"

*Woof*

"Alright. If we're agreed that all responsibility falls back to you for this heinous act of thievery."

*Woof*

Marian tossed him the cake and in two bites it was gone. She looked over at her Mother hanging laundry and was grateful that she would have a lifetime of beauty ahead of herself to find someone who loved Payne like she did. Bethany on the other hand was just starting to have a trail of followers behind her that she ignored while absorbing herself in one book or another. It wasn't hard to remember their mother had been noble when looking at her sister. Her features were delicate and fair, her eyes bright and her mind sharp. If she had Marian's talent and ability with either magic or the staff she could have taken over the world. Much to Marian's sadness, if she had no talent for magic at all she would someday have sat as a lady in her own right.

As she thought pondering her family her Father returned from the fields pouring sweat. The grey had set in at his temples and his age was showing around the eyes. Even so when she dreamed of her dashing hero come to save her from the Templars, he had a jaw strong and proud as her father, and a smile that lifted one side of his mouth just a bit farther than the other. It gave you the distinct impression he was laughing at something privately amusing. When he came up behind Leandra and wrapped his dirty sweaty arms around his wife pressing his face into her neck.

Marian stood, well aware of where this was going. After all Malcolm and Leandra were never sparing with their affections. "Come on boy! Lets go for a walk!"

The two of them set off down the road to spend the rest of the evening as wandering the roads and watching the one season that Ferelden allowed itself to be beautiful.

 

 

 

"Leandra love," Malcolm muttered into the slope of her neck teeth grazing over the sensitive flesh and tongue chasing behind to soothe over the roughened skin.

"Malcolm stop!" Leandra laughed, "The children!"

That slow grin spread across his face. The same gentle smile that had made heat curl in her belly since the first time she saw him all those years ago.

 

"I saw Carver slipping behind Barlin's Shed with Peaches on my way back to the house. I just gave Bethany a new book and she's reading on the hill. And Marian good sweet girl that she is just set off with Payne for a nice long walk. We've got the house to our selves." Leandra's head swam as his long wicked fingers slid down over her thighs and starting inching her dress up. The full length of him pressed to her back sold and warm against her.

"Malcolm your Filthy!" She weakly protested again as her breath came ever more ragged and she pushed back into him harder.

***

"That's the idea love," he whispered against the shell of her ear just as his fingers finally pulled the hem of her skirt over his wrist. His questing hand found the core of her and moved gently against her smalls pressing hard against her finding what he already knew he would. His wife was warm and ready. After only a few moments more his lips hot against her neck and his long fingers gentle but persistent at her core. She could take it no longer. She spun around and wrapped her arms around his neck. Their lips joined in a kiss of passion between two lovers well schooled in each other. Every movement sure and each touch finding its mark. Her hands tore at the laces of his breeches until he was free and her smalls quickly discarded in the dirt as he took his wife of twenty years against a tree behind the house they had made a home. There was no need for words as she wrapped her legs around his waist and he set a steady pace. Her hands buried in his hair and his lay trapped keeping her in place. Her own mouth traveled over his jaw and down his neck latching on and marking his tanned skin with the force of her kisses. When she came undone her world shattered for a moment. He swallowed her screams with his mouth over hers kissing her until her head spun again. Kissing her right through his own climax.

Malcolm slowly lowered his wife to the ground his mouth still on hers the whole way.

***

"I was serious Malcolm! Now I'm filthy too." Leandra said trying desperately to gather her wide grin into a stern frown and failing.

"Mission accomplished. You are my dirty, filthy wife whom I love with all my heart and will love all of my days. Oh! You meant the dirt! I just suppose I'll have to draw you a bath and wash it clean away. That had been the original plan you know. Mud in your hair, draw you a bath and wash your hair as I made gentle romantic love to you in the copper tub. We can do that now too if you like." Leandra laughed and slapped his arm.

"Go get the tub down and start bringing up water I'm going to finish getting the wash on the line before your mud gets all over it too."

Malcolm swept into a deep bow, "As my lady Commands, I shall leave so that _my_ mud does not contaminate the rest of the mud in Ferelden" and laughing slid into the house to begin getting the tub ready.

 

Ten minutes later Leandra stepped into the house to find dozens of candle stubs flickering on each surface. It was one of those stupid romantic gestures he was so fond of that took her breath away.

"Malcolm dearest, You shouldn't have! Let me help you with the water." But he merely slid a single hand into the tub and filled it full of Jagged spikes of ice.

"No need love, there are some benefits to being married to a mage lest you forget. Its not all fleeing Templars and getting mud on your laundry." A flame spell followed next melting the ice to water and causing it to steam gently. He stepped to the cabinet to pull down the scented soap he had bought just the week before from a traveling merchant. A sudden pain caused him to stop and grip the shelf a moment. His world spun and his arm ached with a sharp pain radiating out from his chest. When he collapsed to the ground in a limp tangle of limbs Leandra screamed.

 

Bethany's head snapped up from her book. "Mother!" she cried and leapt to her feet her new prize tumbling to the ground forgotten in the dirt.

 

Carver tossed Peaches from her compromising position and tugged his clothes into place, "That came from my house! I've got to go!"

 

Payne let the stick he was chasing fly right through his jaws. His flight back to the house left no doubts in the mind of any he passed he wasn't stopping for anything.

 

Marian was the only one who didn't immediately move her eyes were glued to a stone on the edge of the wood line. The stone they had left over a shallow grave so long ago because everyone deserved a marker. She had seen it only a moment after the stick had left her hands and her blood ran cold. After a moment she realized the screams were external, not solely in her head. Her feet moved beneath without conscious thought willing the world to turn into her so that she could move faster.

 

When Marian finally arrived, Bethany was on the floor hands glowing blue hovering over their fathers chest. Carver had his arms wrapped around Mother both comforting her and holding her back.

"Help please! Its not working!" Bethany cried sobbing and pushing healing magic harder into him. Marian's hands joined her sisters but the moment she reached out she knew. She could feel the pulse of her own life reach out and connect with her sisters. Two hearts beat at one. Two magics working in tandem. Two, not three. They could not save that which was already gone. 

 

Despite the dark the Revered Mother arrived to hand out blessings and say rites. Bethany cried into the shoulder of a new lay sister from Orlais. Mother cried into Carver who tried to tell every story he could think of about his father. Payne stood sentinel deciding who was allowed in to see the grieving family and who was not. Not a single Templar was tolerated and several brothers turned away as well. Marian helped. She helped the sisters and brothers arrange her father and wash him. She chose his clothes to be worn upon his pyre. She cleared away the candles and emptied the tub. She swept the floor and made dinner. She took down the dry washing and folded it and set it away. The only thing she didn't do was stop. Her hand and her mind stayed busy with one task after the next, until her tasks led her out of her own home and into the chantry for lack of anywhere else that needed help in the early hours of dawn. She worked scrubbing and polishing benches until sleep claimed her against her will. Leaving her stretched out polishing oil and cloth still in hand.

The Revered Mother looked at the girl draped across the bench finally having given into her exhaustion. She knew better than most that each would come to grieve in their own way in their own time but she worried for the girl who could not even cry. She turned to one of the Templar recruits, "Can you get a cot set in the back and move the girl to it before mourning service starts?"

"Yeth Wahbeard Mudder." he mumbled around something in his mouth he had been covertly eating. He watched as the Revered Mother's face pulled into a tight frown.

"Keep your fingers out of the cheese! That's for the mourners." The recruit ducked his head sheepishly and slid into the back to set up the cot.

Something seemed odd as he approached the girl she looked like every other that had lost a loved one. She was perfectly normal, until he went to lift her and the word _'Apostate'_ rattled and bounced around in his skull. He knew his duty. He knew what was expected. He picked her up and pulled the magic out of her. He carried her right past a line of more senior Templars and to the cot in the back and laid her upon it then turned to stand guard just beyond the space until she woke.

 

Marian was confused at the deep emptiness in her gut when she woke several hours later from a silent and dreamless sleep. Where was Payne and what was that being said, _'Oh Dear Maker! It's the Chant! That's a Templar! Andraste save me I've done it now!'_ She watched as the Templar turned so much younger than she was used to seeing them.

"Great your up!" His smile was wide his demeanor gentle but she would not be fooled.

"Where are you taking me?" She wouldn't even get to see her father buried and now mother and the twins would lose her too. Who would protect them?

"Hopefully out the front doors fast as we can before anyone else thinks to check on you." He grabbed her wrist and drug her out of the chantry through the courtyard and around the corner so fast, she had to check if she was still in Lothering.

"Stop! What are you doing?" she protested.

"Saving you. I think, I hope, you're not a Maleficar, are you?" His brow furrowed as he realized he had not thought this completely through. 

_'He really wears his emotions on his sleeve doesn't he?'_ She thought confusion growing at his rambling speech.

"No, I'm not. My magic shall serve what is best in me not that which is most base." She said echoing the words of her father.

"Oh good. Because you were having some crazy nightmares. I kept pulling your magic out just to quiet the nightmares so the others would stop checking in." His hand going to the back of his neck and rubbing it sheepishly.

Marian's head was spinning. She wasn't in chains. He kept the other Templars away, "Why?"

"I lost my father, sort of, about two years ago. The Hawke's have lived at that farm for years. You're good people. You don't hurt anyone and, your father just died. I just... can't do it. But maybe you should go, quickly."

Marian Hawke was many things, stupid was not on that list. Polite did not rank very highly either. Without a word of thanks she ran. She ran all the way back to the farm and never looked back. 

 

It would be many years before she saw that young man again. When they met once more neither would recognize the other. He would not see the mage who made him realize how much he hated being a Templar in the Champion who stood before him. She would not see the boy who changed her mind that all Templars were monsters in the noble king.


	4. Freak of Nature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Blight is upon Ferelden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please check out my story for International Fanworks Day titled Waiting for an Update! Posting will slow down without proper motivation. Please Comment or Kudos. I intend to see this through to the end but there are 3 Possible ending points depending on interest I will expand or shorten the story.

Bethany was situated on top of the house. Marian wouldn't have it any other way. There was too much going on on the ground for her to be comfortable with the girl being in the thick of it. Marian was picking off Darkspawn one by one tapping out the rhythm with each strike keeping the magic flowing steadily down her staff. She muttered to herself through gritted teeth. "Die die die die. Why don't you just die." Each word accompanied by a spell slung from her staff. Ostagar had been a disaster, the field over run, King Cailan dead, the Grey Wardens gone. The only light in this was the reason they were still here instead of fleeing with the rest. Word had reached them that Carver had made it. He was on his way home, his unit disbanded.   
She didn't bother to count the Darkspawn as she put them down. She counted the only things that mattered though. "Any sign?" Forty six. Mother had asked about Carver forty six times, reassuring her daughter she was well enough to worry. "Dammit! Sorry I think I just pissed it off!" Twenty eight. Bethany had apologized twenty eight times, reassuring her sister she was still up there and well enough to keep giving out warnings. "GRRRR" snap crunch "Woof" splash. Eighteen. Payne had washed the Darkspawn blood off eighteen times, reassuring his mistress he hadn't poisoned himself. A passing Ash Warrior had warned them not to let him swallow the blood. "What are you still doing here! You should be running?" One. Carver had come up the path once. Suddenly she was running. Carver was back. Nothing else mattered. The hugs were made quick work of. Then everyone was running with the speed and practice of a family of apostates.   
Darkspawn behind, Darkspawn ahead. "We've been in tighter jams!" Marian cried in an effort to keep spirits high, but if they knew it to be a lie no one said a word.  
Bethany was right, The Maker certainly did have a sense of humor. Even so, Hawke let it be as the Templar did not pose an immediate threat thanks to the mountain of a woman he had married. "Let it go. They saved us." She had told him. On they went deeper into danger, not farther from it as they had thought.  
  


Bethany had the front point with Marian. Carver in the rear with mother and the Templar.

"Do you think he's back there warning them about how dangerous we are?" Bethany said a slight smile on her lips.

"It's probably something like, _Look out for the tall one. She's a Demon magnet if my super Templar senses are anything to go by. She'd be so much better tranquil but the long haired one is rather pretty. We can just lock her in some dark box. After all the order dictates..._ " Both girls dissolved into laughter at Marian's terrible impression of the Templar. It was hard to remember to be scared as things went so smoothly. 

"You're very pretty too you know. I didn't like your hair cut short at first but it's grown out to be very pretty." It was the closest Bethany really got lately to talking about father. Marian had cut her hair nearly to the scalp after father's death trying to keep the Templar that day from recognizing her again should he change his mind and catch her alone. 

"Pretty doesn't mean much standing next to you and..."

Suddenly Marian wished she had been paying more attention to the road and less to her sister because Darkspawn were upon them again. she moved with all the speed she could muster. Pushing Bethany to attack from a ranged position and to allow the others to come up on them from behind.

It was all for nothing. The ground shook as the Ogre charged in.

"Maker give me strength!" Bethany cried as she turned to meet the assault alone. Marian stepped over her sister knowing she didn't have a moment to waste as the others fell upon it as well, and when it was fallen she turned to her sister. It didn't matter how quickly magic sprang to her hands. Healing poured into the girl magic reached out her heart pounded in her ears but it didn't matter there was no answering echo of magic or life to be found.

"She's gone." Marian stated in desperate shock.

"Get away from her! How could you let her charge ahead like that! This is all your fault! Bethany! Oh Maker!"

 

There was no time to grieve. A larger horde was upon them already. They had to fight or die. And fight they did, until they could fight no more. Until the Dragon. 

 

Then the offer came. Marian didn't trust it such a small price. An amulet carried across the sea to elves for a favor so very large. The cost of the Templar's life might have been a part of it. She thought but didn't wish to entertain that their freedom had been paid in the blood of a man. 

Wesley. She would never forget his name. She would never in all her days forget the pained look on his face she was sure of it. The image would never leave her. Could she be so strong to kill one she loved in mercy. She hoped she never had to know.

 

Before she knew it she was on the boat and they were at sea. She tried to remember how they got here but all she could see was her perfect beautiful baby sister in a pool of her own blood. She wandered the boat looking for anything to do anything to be done so she wasn't still it was too soon to be still and panic welled in her throat before Aveline the mountain of a woman who had been married to the Templar came over.

"I can't seem to cry. I feel like I'm doing Wesley a disservice by not crying."

Marian relaxed a bit, "Sometimes, They know us better than that. Would he have expected you to cry?"

Aveline laughed, "Hardly, I've never given into tears about anything before."

"Then maybe its ok. If we don't cry I mean. Or maybe we're freaks of nature who have doomed ourselves to wondering why the fuck we can't just feel like normal people. Why we sit here with loved ones dead and we just stare at the waves and can't fucking cry or bring them back or..." Marian trailed off her hands gripping the rail of the ship wanting to fling herself into the sea.

Aveline raised a brow at that. "I think being angry is a feeling. It doesn't make you a freak, just not a crier. Everyone handles grief their own way. Remember that. Some people say things they don't mean."

Marian nodded and just stared out at the water. "Thank you."

"For what? You have lost as much as I and did a lot of the hard work getting here."

"No not for any of that. For just being, I don't know a friend. Wesley and my being, you know. I didn't expect any kindness from you."  
"Good people are good people Miss Hawke. 'You know' or not despite his being a Templar you fought to protect him as well as me. You could have just let the Darkspawn have us but you fought. Wesley was dead before you ever got to us though it was just a matter of time."

Marian nodded and the two passed into silence starting a the water a while. 

"I'm sorry about your husband. He seemed a good man. You know aside from the Templar thing." Marian smiled a bit.

"I'm sorry about your sister. She seemed like a very nice girl. You know aside from the apostate thing."

"You can call me Hawke. Just Hawke. If you'd like to be my friend."  
"You can call me Aveline. And I'd like that Hawke."

 

Neither of them ended up shedding tears over their separate shared pain but it was enough to hurt together. By the time they reached Kirkwall they were fast friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next on the block... A year in service to the RED IRON. I also need to know should I rehash the events as played in the game or shall I just highlight choices so as not to bore you?


	5. Meeting Tomwise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The year with the Red Iron begins and Marian Hawke meets Tomwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay dear readers but I have been writing furiously getting past the next chapter was like pulling teeth as I am not particularly fond of Worthy but I wanted to post them all at once. I would like to add a shout out to Semper_Paratus who won a one shot about something he asked about dedicated to him. Its a one shot from later on that will be slightly different in the major story stop over and check it out. SEE COMMENTS CAN GET YOU THINGS!

 

     Kirkwall was not the promised land Mother had hoped for. There wasn't anything left of the life she left behind. Gamlen had lost it all to cards, dice and other bad bets over the years. Bethany was right in more ways than one. They should have run sooner, now the gates were closed. There was only one way in. Bribes paid into the right hands. Bribes paid with money they didn't have. Someone was willing to put it up for them, a Mercenary Captain Meeran. Now the three of them belonged to the Red Iron for the next year. It was better than the smugglers. At least this was 90% legal. Ok, well 60% but it was better than 0% legal. That's what she told herself with each beat down and lightning spell, because those don't leave marks. Three rules to survival. Don't wear robes. Don't touch Templars. Don't cast anything that leaves evidence. That and threats of violence or coin to anyone that saw and she was good. She had made a few friends, simple people like she had known in Ferelden. Tomwise was the first.

* * *

     "Hawke I need you to make a run to Darktown." Marian didn't even lift her head off the table. She was exhausted. Just an hour ago she had returned from retrieving a nobles stolen pants. His fucking pants for god sakes and he hired Mercenaries to get them back, it left six people dead. She reached out with her magic and zapped Carver.

     "Meeran's talking to you shit head. Its a supply run." Carver was neither amused or in the mood for his sister waving it in his face that she was the one who got tapped for everything. Half the time he was held back when she got sent out.

     "If he was talking to me dear sister he wouldn't be standing over you." This time Hawke did raise her head to see Meeran standing over her. Shit.

     "Yes sir. What in Darktown?" She was tired, she was sore and there were dozens of others that could do this. But she was good with people. Pretty enough to get a discount and tough enough not to get in a bad situation. That's what Meeran had told her when she had started.

     "Our poisons supplier hasn't made contact this week. Find him. Find the problem. Fix it." Inwardly she groaned, outwardly she slapped a smile on.

     "Yes sir, can I take Carver? I'd prefer not to get stuck down there by myself. His blade never runs low and he's fresh as a daisy." Marian tried to remind Meeran he had hired ALL of them, not just her. She was over worked under rested and her magic wasn't regenerating fast enough to do everything he wanted out of her. Just last night Carver had to light the fire since she didn't even have enough left to muster a flame. 

     "Fine, but keep him out of trouble." Marian hauled herself to her feet and the two of them walked out. They weren't even five feet past the door when Carver started in.

     "It's like I don't even exist. I'm a fine warrior, I could best any of his men and it's all, don't let your brother out of your sight." Marian just nodded along as he ranted and rambled angry at everything. She didn't even see the steps until it was too late and she was laying in a pile of rubbish at the entrance to Darktown.           Carver's sword was out and his eyes looking for the threat as he came to stand over her. It made Marian's heart swell with pride. They fought almost constantly. They didn't see eye to eye on anything. He was jealous of all the attention she received because she was a mage. She was jealous of how nothing was ever his fault. He was the good child. She was the fuck up. Yet still she fell and he stood over her ready to defend her with his life. It may have just been the fact that she was exhausted but she saw so much of their father in him. For a moment she couldn't breath, seeing only Father standing over her helping her up. But it was just Carver. Father was gone and Bethany had gone to join him. They only saw Mother a few times a week even if she waited up for them. Marian was too tired to do much more than press a kiss to her Mothers head and fall asleep in the first place she came to rest.

     "Are you alright? What the hell was that! You scared the shit out of me!"

     Marian winced as she tried to put her right foot down. "I tripped." She tried again to put it down and pain nearly sent her back to the ground. Carver grabbed her and held her up.

     "Is it broken?" Carver asked worried. She reached down tenderly and tried to heal it. Her hands glowed blue for a moment knitting the fracture together before sputtering out completely. "What the fuck Marian? What was that?" Honest concern swelled in him. Father had always taught them to be more conservative and this was exactly why. They were too far from traditional healing in a dangerous part of town and not an elfroot between them. With the injury Marian was completely useless.

     "I'm out. The fight last night guarding the shipment and then the fight this morning getting back the stolen goods. I haven't had any rest or even breakfast yet. Just leave me over there on that crate. Lend me a dagger and go take care of it. We both know you could do this on your own.  I'm about as helpful as Gamlen right now."

     Carver nodded his face stern. "You should bring Payne next time. He'll help and he wants to run more than anything."

     Marian shook her head. The Red Iron had already been by their home once in the early days when she had been late. She wouldn't leave mother alone with only Gamlen for protection in Lowtown. "No, Mother takes him out walking. I don't like her being by herself here. If the guard or the Templar got a hold of her." She shuddered. "I just can't, they go after the families here. Its a crime just to hide me. You could take care of yourself but Mother can't."

     Carver nodded. This was one of the few things they agreed on family before all else. They had lost too much to be careless with what they had left. He got her arranged handed her a dagger and stared hard. "You will not move. You will not commit any heroics. You will not start shit. You will be here when I get back."

Marian smiled. "Yes Father. Should I sit on my hands and not touch anything?"

     Carver scowled and stomped off. She sat there and watched the merchants peddling their wares. She watched people come and go complaining or simply trying to live amongst the poverty. Inch by inch and drop by drop she felt her magic recharge. The more you ran it down the slower it came back. It was like a cruel twist of the creator. The more you needed it the less it came back to you. It wasn't until a group of men dirty but armed to the teeth started down the dank halls she got worried. But they were only visiting stalls stopping, speaking for a moment and moving on. When they got to the stall next to where she was sitting, she finally overheard what it was all about.

    "Time to pay up!" The gruff, dirty leader said.

    "I don't have it. You were supposed to be here tomorrow. It's at the house!" The elf stood his ground but it did not seem his visitors cared.

    "Well we're here today and we say..."

    "You say 'Why look at that handsome Elf that will have what he owes tomorrow.' Because you're early and in any good business arrangement you must make allowances." She turned slightly knowing she needed to be threatening without putting any weight on her foot because her crumbling to the ground in pain would ruin the effect she was going for.

    "He ain't given no reason to make no allowances." Marian dug deep and pulled on the city around her. She borrowed magic from the stone and a rage filled her that pushed her to her feet, advancing on him, fire coming easily into her hands.

    "How about the reason that the Big Bad Mage with the Red Iron told you to get the fuck gone and never come back." The thugs ran. Not in any sort of organized fashion, but all out disappearing into the closest hole or tunnel they could find.

    She let the magic bleed back into the city and nearly fainted. There was power here. Power and pain and rage. Enough to get drunk on. The elf from the stand behind her came over and helped her sit back on the crate again.

    "Thank you! You didn't have to do that!" He slid back to his stall and gathered a few things up.

    "No I really did. There's nothing anyone can do about the gangs but I wont let them toss your stall just because they're early. I'm sorry if I made it worse for you."

    He laughed as he knelt in the dirt before her. "Not in the slightest. They wont do too much for fear you're coming back. They're criminals, not stupid. I'll have the payment tomorrow, and then they'll forget about it in their drunken haze. Now let me see that ankle." He slid her boot off and she winced at the purple that was already rising on her skin. "That's nasty, you're gonna wanna stay off of it."

    She winced and moved to stop him when he pulled on a glove before touching the bottle, but when the first drop hit her skin she stilled. He poured a bit more and rubbed it in. She couldn't feel her leg up to the knee and it was the best thing she'd felt all day.

    "Oh my god what is that? Did I ever tell you you're a beautiful beautiful man."

    He laughed and wrapped a bandage tightly around it.

    "It'll stop your breathing if you ingest it but it'll keep the muscles relaxed and kill any pain for the next twelve or so hours if you just let it sit gently on the skin. Call it a thank you. I'm Tomwise by the way."  
    "Hawke. And I'll call it any thing you want."

    He helped slide her boot back on just as Carver came up scowling. "That stupid fuck wants twenty more sovereigns for the monthly order, and extra for add ons. He says we've out lived our discount! I near punched him in the jaw."

    "Where did you punch him then?" Marian said her spirits much higher now that her ankle didn't hurt.

    "I hit the table thank you very much. Meeran's going to shit. We can't spend that much on poison every month! It's almost double!"

    That's when a quiet voice came from the stall of her new friend. "Can I see the list?" Carver turned to Tomwise.

    "What?" He took a step back not used to people jumping into conversations in Darktown, much less Kirkwall in general.

    "Sure!" Marian said snatching the list from Carver and handing it over.

    "What are you doing? You can't just hand that around!" Carver hissed.

    "Oh really? Is he going to sell the antidote for everything on this list to any one who might be afraid of us? I doubt that would do much good, but it would make him the richest man in Kirkwall." Marian just smiled at her brother. Carver wasn't good at calculating risk vs reward. It was all or nothing with him.

    After looking over it a moment Tomwise looked Carver dead in the face. "Nineteen. If you negotiate each month based on supply of ingredients you can get it a lot cheaper. Otherwise, he set you a price so with ingredients at the most expensive he didn't lose money. You've been getting cheated for ages." Carver's jaw dropped.

    "Hi, I'm Tomwise, poisons and bombs at your service. With a private discount for you and Hawke if you like." He had a gentle smile and a calm demeanor for a seller of poisons. Marian could always appreciate a good cover.

    "Nineteen? Are you serious? Fuck! Meeran is going to shit! Sister, he's going to break Jamison's knees." Marian nodded and shrugged. That fell into the 40%.

    "Then all his customers can come here and get a fair deal. Do we have a deal?" Tomwise asked.

    "I can't promise but I'll tell Meeran." Carver said.

    "Can you excuse us for a minute?" Marian interrupted. Tomwise Just smiled moved a bit of hair behind his ears and turned to work on something at a bench behind him.

    "Decisive Carver. You want to lead, well do it. Make a decision. That's a dammed good deal. You take it, you tell Meeran you fixed a problem he didn't know he had and maybe, just maybe, he stops looking at you like an idiot because you acted like a genius."

    "But..."

    "But fucking nothing! Carver walk over there, make the deal with the nice elf and then go tell Meeran you found a better deal. And maybe next time when he says Hawke he'll be talking to you." 

    Tomwise turned around with a smile. "I can be by the headquarters tonight with the whole order. If you don't want it just let me know then." The two nodded and Marian dropped down.

    "Carver will you carry me back like a delicate princess?" She laughed at the look on his face. "No seriously. It's wrapped and too numb to tell if I do anything else to it. Can I hitch a ride?"

    "Fine. But you make one mighty steed joke and I drop you in the bay." He turned and helped her up piggy back style.

    Marian smiled and slid onto her brothers back. "Thank you Tomwise, for everything. See you soon!"

    "So long Hawke! See you this evening Carver!" With a wave the two were off toward the docks.

    Leaning over her brother's shoulder Hawke smiled. "Do you remember when we were little. I used to carry you all over. Until one day you looked me dead in the eyes and said it was your turn and you were gonna carry me."  
    Carver smiled, and for the first time in recent memory laughed. "I nearly killed myself trying to pick you up. Tried it every day for weeks until mother forced me to stop because I was dropping you into the dirt."

    "I was waiting for that day. You don't give up easy I'll give you that. It's been a while, but here you are carrying me halfway across a city."

    "Psht. Quit exaggerating, it's only from Darktown to the Docks." But Marian wasn't awake to hear him. Carver would never admit it but it made him swell up with pride a bit.

 

* * *

 

    Two weeks after 'the accident' Meeran learned his personal little mage was not unbreakable. She would keep going until she couldn't move. He had spoken to Carver about it and had found out it came from their childhood. She wouldn't  dream of complaining or stopping until she couldn't move another inch. It was a skill learned when they were children always running. To stop was to get caught.To be caught was a fate worse than death.

 


	6. Meeting Worthy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marian meets Worthy, and then kisses a Templar.

 

    Kirkwall was not a place where people cared. More than once she'd come across people nearly dead or in the process of being beaten. While others walked right past she could not bear it. If there was a fight she defended, if there was only a broken man she ensured they made it to a healer. The rhythm of her staff was steady and comforting. The calls of "Dog," and "Bird," were a simple pleasure. It was a system the siblings had worked out long ago. Dog for a high strike coming close to another and Bird for a low one. It had started as a childhood game and the reasons had been lost to the silliness of that time. It was a system that served them well as it confused any that fought them. It was the cry of "Not Fair!" that had her spin in a panic blue healing light already coming into her hands before Carver fluidly grabbed her wrist and planted her hand on a Dwarf that had collapsed to the ground. It took a moment to realize the fallen dwarf wasn't with the Carta and healing flowed into him as she slid the dagger out. Marian, seeing the extent of the damage to the dwarf forgot to be mad at Carver for crying for a heal. It didn't help anyone if the person they were defending died in the commission of said defense. It was only a few moments more before the last of the attackers fell and the Dwarf sat up slowly. "I thought for sure  they had me that time. Can't thank you enough for jumping in. I'm Worthy, pleased to meet 'cha."

    "Worthy of... what exactly?" Said Carver with a grin. Fights always put him in a better mood, even if they were off the books.

    "Worthy of telling apparently, dear brother, or did I just imagine you scream no fair and then slam my hands onto him in the middle of a street." Marian was joking in good humor but Carver suddenly seemed bothered finally realizing what he had done.

    "Just Worthy. Thanks. Fight well together you do! Welp tell ya what. I'll go this way... and you go that way... and we never met?" Worthy said hoping that his knowledge wasn't enough to make his rescuers kill him for it.

    "No problem, try to stay out of trouble." Marian said as she grabbed Carver and steered him away. He would be more careful from then on.

* * *

    Not even a week later they found him cornered again. Carta Dwarves were trying to break down a door. They dispatched the dwarves to discover Worthy on the other side of it hiding inside of a chest. "Sorry. Thanks again for the rescue. You know if you're ever looking for runes I've got contacts. I can get you a great deal." And with that he was gone once more.

* * *

    Four more times they found Worthy getting attacked and four more times they rescued him. The last time he looked at the two with big hopeful eyes. "I don't suppose I could ask a favor?"

    Carver huffed out a laugh, "Other than saving your sorry hide? Sure you can ask."  
     Marian just shook her head picking through the pockets of the fallen dwarves. Some would wake with a mighty headache and she took only their coins. Others would never rise again and she stripped them of anything of value. Each little bit helped as they worked for literally nothing but she wouldn't leave a man without something he needed, like boots.

    "I just need to be somewhere. I need to be at the docks at exactly midnight tonight. There's a ship to take me off. Back to Orzammar so I can settle my debts and get the Carta off my back once and for all." He looked hopeful, but Carver's mood blackened dashing his hopes.

    "That's an outside job." Carver muttered knowing it was forbidden. Any real jobs. Anything that might pay was off limits, so long as Meeran owned their hides for the next eight months.

    "It's only a job if he pays us." Came Marian's gentle voice from behind. Worthy was overjoyed at the thought of free protection. Carver was far less happy.

    "You want to do this for free? Go out into danger with him, waiting on the docks like sitting fucking ducks, and do it for FREE!!!" Carver was starting to get hysterical.

    "Yes Carver I want to help the nice man being hunted by The Carta get out of Kirkwall. It's purely selfish so I stop having my boobs slashed at because someone can't reach my face."  
    "HEY! No comments about the height!"  
    Marian turned to Worthy cocking an eyebrow. "Shut up, you've stared directly at them since the day I met you. You're not that sneaky. So Carver? We going to do this or not? One less pain in your ass."

    Carver sighed. "Ok, But you get us from quarter to eleven till you put foot on the boat. That. Is. It."

    Worthy nodded and quickly agreed before the boy could change his mind and found someplace to hide until the allotted time.

* * *

    It was 11 O'clock. She could hear the bells ringing in the Chantry. The docks were far from empty. Unsurprising since there was a departure in the middle of the night at low tide on a smugglers ship. Marian was trying to get a feel for each group moving in and out and tried not to look at the water. Payne was warm and heavy beside her as she leaned into him. "There is so much dammed water. Why in The Makers name does there need to be that much water all together at once." Carver was making rounds back and forth. They had only promised him fifteen minutes but neither of the siblings were stupid. Walking into a place like this when so much illegal was going on was asking for trouble.

    Right on time Carver gave her a nod from the end of the docks and Marian slid off to pick up Worthy.  Every nerve ending on fire every sound cataloged she moved with the dwarf down the docks. There were 5 minutes to midnight and the Captain insisted they leave on the first stroke. Any trouble now and Worthy might never see Orzammar. Her footsteps were loud beneath her and even Payne was tense. There was something in the air. Something, wrong. She wouldn't have been so nervous if it wasn't for that void damned unshakeable feeling of wrongness. The brisk walk across the docks even had Worthy's normal chipper self nervous. At the end of the gangplank he smiled up at her.

    "You've been good friends Hawke and Carver. If this works well I might even stay there." His grin was wide and infectious and Marian couldn't help but relax at the sight of it. The job was done. The danger passed. It was over.

    "You're welcome Worthy. You've been a _worthy_ friend." Carver groaned and the siblings turned to leave the docks.

* * *

    Marian had thought the feeling would leave, but it still hovered there as they were three berths down just before they reached the next ship in the docks. That's when it happened.

    A man came running right at them legs pumping, running for all he was worth. Hot on his heels not fifty yards behind was a Templar in full plate. The two tensed looking for anywhere to go. There was nothing they could do. They were poor and nobodies here in Kirkwall, getting in the way of an active pursuit meant she would get the brand for sure. There was no time, there was no hope. Then without warning as the fleeing mage ran past her she felt a pain. Sudden and sharp in her shoulder. She could only watch in horror as the fleeing mage put the dagger into the joint of her leathers and pulled magic from the blood that flowed forth.  She froze unable to think, unable to react as he used the force of her life to pull a rage demon across the fade.

    She had only been struck by a smite once before in her life that she could remember and it was enough. Time had faded it from her memory and the feeling of deep aching emptiness struck her leaving her dazed enough to fall backwards as her world faded.

* * *

    Carver watched his sister bleeding fall into the bay into an empty ships berth. Something in the back of his mind told him he should be going after her. She was bleeding and never learned to swim. That little voice was drowned out by the screaming rage that overtook him, as his weapon came forth and he turned on the mage that had attacked his sister. The strike was unexpected as the mage only had eyes for the Templar and in one strong sweep he separated the head from the rest of the man before turning to the Rage Demon. Between Carver and the Templar they put it down without too much trouble then turned to the water praying, hoping she had managed to grab something. He could hear splashing below and hope bloomed in his chest. But it was only Payne who had gone into the water after his mistress and was frantically diving trying to locate her. His heart seized but the Templar sprung into action. The largest pieces of his armor were shucked without care and into the water he went. A moment later he was pulling her limp form up onto the dock and pressing on her chest.

    Carver prayed silently and desperately, the words springing up unbidden. _'Dear Maker no! Please don't let it be her. Please Maker I will trade every year I have to give. I will take her place. Just not Marian. Never her. She's the best of us all. Sweet Andraste save my sister. I can not survive losing her too.'_ Then the impossible happened. She'd been in the water for at least six minutes but her eyes flew open. She coughed water onto the Templar who had been forcing air into her.

* * *

    Marian had seen it. She had seen the void staring into her and home on the other side. Her chest heaved expelling the water from her lungs as she rolled onto her side shaking. A warm hand rubbed her back helping push it out. She turned up into her rescuer seeking the comfort he would offer. Her arms slid around his neck and she buried her face into him sobbing. "I saw the void. Oh Maker I was almost gone."

* * *

    Cullen didn't know what to do with the sobbing woman in his arms. The young man she was with looking on in horror and what seemed to be a growing rage. "Shhh Shhh lady, its all right now. We should bring you back to the Gallows and have that cut looked at. They can have you good as new faster than you can think." He grew lost for a moment holding her there like that. He had joined the order so young he had never had a woman hold him like this and it stirred something he thought he had forgotten when he left Ferelden.

* * *

    "Sister," came Carvers gentle warning and Marian pulled back from the man to stare into the golden eyes of the Templar.

"I need to... I have to... I should..." _I sound like a fucking idiot!_ _I sound like fucking Peaches for shits sake!_ And that's when the worst idea Marian Hawke had ever conceived forever changed her time in Kirkwall. Marian Hawke kissed a Templar full on the mouth. "Thank you for my rescue Messere but I really must get home." And then as fast as she dared she slid from his arms and ran. It took the others no further prodding to follow after and they fled around a corner and through Lowtown, not stopping until they were safely back in their uncles home. The siblings never spoke of it again. Both trying to forget.

* * *

Cullen Rutherford on the other hand would never forget. He'd been in Kirkwall not ten minutes when a mage broke out, was revealed to be a Maleficar and a beautiful girl kissed him and thanked him for saving her life. No there was not a moment of that night he would ever forget.


	7. The Quinari Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Qunari land upon the shores of Kirkwall.

    They were six months in. Halfway to freedom, Carver told himself. Especially on nights like this. They had gotten the man safely to the edge of the Wounded Coast and finished the assignment. The storm crashed over them hard and heavy and Carver wanted nothing more than to be home in bed dry and warm. But it wasn't going to happen. He and Aveline were huddled back into a cave trying to stay out of the worst of the storm, where they had been caught on the way back. Marian on the other hand was out of her mind and had walked out into it. He could see her there, rain pounding down onto her, wind whipping her shortened hair around her face lashing her with it. Lighting crashing so close he thought any moment she would be struck and killed. It was fairly normal for her unfortunately. 

    "Is she going to be alright?" Aveline said softly glancing out toward Marian only seeing a woman with a death wish.

    Carver nodded solemnly. "She gets like this with storms. She and Father used to go out and feel the rains, said it brought them closer to the maker. I think it's a mage thing even if Bethany never enjoyed it much." Aveline nodded and the two resumed a silent vigil ready to run out and drag her back in if anything happened.

* * *

    Marian Hawke loved the rain. She knew the others worried but there was nothing like the raw power of rain and lightning to make her magic hum. Here she could cast open and free and no one would ever see or know. The raging of the storm poured it back into her as fast as she could pour it out and it was intoxicating. She laughed against the winds and rain and let the big spells go. The storms of fire and lightning flowing out that she dared not use within the city walls or around friends and companions. She could feel the storm's reach, they were so connected and as she let her magic flow into it she could see all it touched from the roofs of Hightown to the waves of the Waking Sea. She could feel the ships upon those waves. She could feel the ships slamming into the rocks. She could feel the sailors being dashed upon the shores, and her eyes flew open. 

    "CARVER! CARVER PEOPLE ARE DYING!" She took off toward the edge of the water Carver and Aveline springing into action behind her. She saw a hand reaching up over a rock and when she reached out to help, it enveloped her wrist pulling the hulking mass behind it fully onto the rock. 

    She had heard stories of the Qunari before great grey skinned hulking beasts with horns that curled out from their heads. They had fingers that ended in claws and fangs for teeth. They were merciless killers and they despised all that was not of the Qun. They would kill you as fast as speak to you. The thing she had pulled above the rocks put every story she had ever heard to shame and her heart pounded in her chest. 

    "Shanedan. Your service was much needed." Marian nodded and looked out. Hundreds of them and humans too were scattered across the beach. Now was no time to be picky, they were living beings. This wasn't life or death for her, she couldn't let them die she couldn't... her thoughts trailed off as she stared at her hands and saw them covered in blood. She blinked the image away. No! She's not a murderer! She wont be a murderer! She has to save them! The next hours were filled with pulling people up off the rocks. Healing those that would survive and letting it go quickly for those that wouldn't. She was thankful for the power of the storm that kept her full as she dare not call deeper into the void after what happened in Darktown the day she met Tomwise. By the time the storm abated the shore was scattered with Qunari. The large one she had first spotted seemed to be organizing them to search for more. 

    Aveline set a hand on her arm. "We should go Hawke before they send a search party after us and they walk into this mess." Marian nodded and they began the walk back before being stopped by a hulking Qunari who stepped into their path. The three companions tensed against what might happen.

   "Shanedan. I am Arvaarad. You have taken the duty that was mine. My Saarebas did not survive the ordeal. This is for your service." A large bag of gold slid into her hands and he stalked off.

    "Maker we might be able to buy out our contracts with that!" Carver exclaimed. Aveline smiled for the first time since they landed, the thought a balm to her soul. The three laughed and then took off for the city exhaustion forgotten as they ran. 

* * *

    Two hours later Marian was sitting mostly dry in Meeran's office waiting for an answer. She had begged for a number. How much for everyone's freedom. Surely the debt could not be so high after six months she couldn't pay her way out. But Meeran hadn't answered just stared thinking. She wasn't sure if this was a good sign or a bad one. 

    "Here I thought we had something good going. I keep you out of the Gallows and got you into the city. I keep you busy and out of trouble. Why would you want to leave me? There ain't no work for Fereldans here and you have it good with me." 

    Marian wasn't prepared for the question and simply said the absolute truth. "Aveline's never going to make this easy for you. She's too straight laced for this to continue to work out. She's gotten an offer from the Guard for the moment she's out of your service and its possible she could get Carver in." She held her breath. Oh please Maker please just let him name a price they could deal with. She had five hundred sovereigns. It had to be enough for...

    "Four hundred." Marian could have cried she was so happy about it. "Each." Meeran continued. "Cost eight hundred a head to get you in and your halfway done with your contract." Her heart crashed but she pulled the money out and began counting.

    "Aveline. Write off her contract. Here's your money." And without another word Hawke walked out trying to figure out a way to explain to Carver.

* * *

    Meeran grinned, if he had known it would have been so easy to be rid of the giant red haired pain in his ass he would have offered to cut her contract ages ago. In one fell swoop he also recouped everything he had spent to get all four of them into the city. He had known she wouldn't leave her brother or let him go off where he couldn't be watched. Apparently he had struck just the right number to keep the only two worthwhile idiots in his employ for the rest of the year.


	8. Meeting Elegant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elegant breezes into Hawke's life becoming her only 'female' friend in Kirkwall

    Aveline had joined the City Guard almost immediately. It was strange how quiet it was around the headquarters without the constant arguments between her and Meeran. The quiet was even more pronounced when a woman stepped into the largely male infested common room in a fine dress with smiling eyes. She stopped and spoke to one of the mercenaries near the door who jerked his finger in Carver's direction where he sat by the fire and Marian was content to watch her glide over and speak to him. _'Must be one of the whore's he wasted money on in the last few days'_ she thought scowling as she returned her attention to cleaning and stretching the leathers that had shrunk in the rains. Only a minute later though the whore was standing over her smiling with her stupid perfect white teeth and her stupid perfect hair and her stupid perfect dress.

    "You must be Hawke. Your brother spoke of you. I'm Elegant." Despite her outstretched hand Marian just stared at her. Great now he was complaining to whores about his sister who betrayed him.

    "I am and what did you need? I'm flat broke so if he owes you money I can't help." The woman just laughed and sunk into a chair next to her unslinging the bag from her shoulder and setting it on the table.

    "No actually. He placed an order for you. I understand how hard it can be. I've been working with the Red Iron for a while and it can get difficult to deal with all these men. They act like wild dogs." Her laughter and smiles were free and easy and despite herself Marian began to relax."

    "Actually I've got a Mabari. Wild dogs behave better most times. What do you mean an order?" Elegant began to extract a bundle from her pack and unrolled it. Dozens of vials within. Elfroot potions and injury kits. She left the last half unrolled flashing just a bit of blue and Marian felt the pull of Lyrium before Elegant rolled it back up. Lyrium was heavily controlled by the Chantry. This must have cost a small fortune. A small fortune he said he spent on whores. Marian felt the fool for her anger. 

    "Your Brother asked I keep this quiet. He only contacted me by letter. So I wanted to make sure before making delivery. He said you might not take it because you're not speaking. Did you want to have a walk? I don't have many female friends, we could walk through the market and you play my dashing protector while letting all the handsome ones flirt with me anyway." It had been a long time since she had a girl for a friend. Not since Bethany. Aveline did not count. But Elegant was brash and golden loud and brazen. Elegant was nothing like Bethany and there were no shadows to haunt her in the kinship that was so quickly forming. 

    "Yes. Let's go to the market and giggle loud enough we cause rumors as to why I don't let any of the twats near me." She rose and as they went to leave she stopped a moment next to Carver.

    "You're a tit. You know that right." She said as she kicked him in the shin.

    "You're intent on killing yourself. So I'll be that." And with that things were right between the siblings once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok... Now to go back to writing please remember to kindly comment even if you don't comment kindly


	9. Seeing the Knight Captian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke is on the verge of completing her year of service when a face from the past pops up. And she just can't resist a bit of teasing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMSkC2PGyTs

     The last day of their service to Meeran was going to be a long one. He was determined to make them do every little thing he possibly could, since he had been fairly bitter about their choice not to reenlist with the Red Iron. They had even picked up Payne in order to be able to pay less attention to thieves and pick pockets. It was his gentle warning that alerted them to the man making his way over. Carver wasn't fond of the look on the mans face. He was far too familiar with it being a man himself. Marian on the other hand seemed generally confused but held still and let him approach regardless.

     "Greetings Serah! I was wondering if you had just a moment?" Marian gave the man a small nod as she took in his clothing. New clothing, all of it, and every stitch the plainclothes the Chantry provided to individuals in need. He seemed neither sick nor too old or weak. He was not as he appeared and she decided immediately the only option was to be open and accommodating and never once let him touch her.

     "I have a moment but not much more. We have much yet to do today." _That's it Marian, calm, nothing to hide, but still very busy. Don't dawdle, give him no reasons to suspect you have anything to hide._ She could hear her father's advice echo in her ears. It seemed as good a plan as any.

     "Excellent. Is that your beast? He's a fine sort." The sudden turn in questioning confused her to no end.

     "Aye he's with me."

     "You must be the brother then, Samson's the name." He offered carver a hand and Carver shook it.

     "I'm sorry Messere do I know you?" Marian was taken aback by the sudden bout of laughter.

     "Not exactly. We have a mutual friend. He just said how pretty you were. You were with the Red Iron, had a brother looked just like you and a Mabari that wouldn't leave your side. When we saw you across the way he said it might be you. Then ducked into that shop just there. I'd like to ask if you'd just say hello. Poor man's been bothered by never getting your name." Marian scrambled for something anything to say. Who the hell could he be speaking about. Maybe he was a sailor. Marian flashed Carver her best _save me_ face. Apparently, Carver was a moron.

     "We can spare five minutes. I mean just to say hello to this man you apparently didn't introduce yourself to and left such a stunning impression with." She watched in abject horror as he walked directly into the shop Samson had indicated leaving her no choice but to follow.

     Once inside she drew up short. That was just over six foot of blonde, bronze, golden eyed Templar. _Oh Maker save me._ But she just put on her best surprised smile. The Templar on the other hand turned a brilliant shade of red and ducked his head before stepping over.

     "Well hello! I didn't think to see you again, it's been some time." He began so bashfully it made her almost feel bad for the man.

     "Yeah I've been busy and the Gallows kinda creeps me out. I'm from Ferelden I still haven't gotten used to the chains and such." This only served to make the Templar light up and she could have kicked herself.

     "I'm actually just over from the Ferelden Circle Tower. An old friend of mine is with the Grey Wardens fighting The Blight."

     "Carver was at Ostagar actually. His unit disbanded after... everything." She turned to look for Carver and found Samson had cornered him, talking all the way on the other side of the shop. Marian wasn't usually one for blushing but the heat rose in her cheeks regardless. At least Payne was... getting his ears scratched by the lady from the counter. She was on her own.

     "How's your arm?" She had almost forgotten. The deep wound was fully healed within an hour of leaving the docks that night.

     "It's perfect now thanks. I had a doctor with a steady hand and more than a few elfroot potions."

     "Good. I'm really glad to hear it. I'm Cullen by the way."

     "It's very nice to meet you I'm,"

     "HAWKE!" Came the cry from the doorway as Elegant rushed over and hugged her. Any chance Marian had to lie about her name was now long gone. "Sweetie I have the most delicious news! I'm getting married!" 

     "Elegant! I'd like you to meet Ser Cullen of the Templar Order." She turned her friend to face him hoping she got the hint and made her an excuse to leave quickly.

     "Ah! Say no more! I am sorry to have interrupted." And Marian's hope for the future of Thedas began to wither. Everyone on the face of the world was too stupid to live. 

     She turned back to Cullen glad to see he too seemed embarrassed by the overt display.

     "It seems we're even. You had Samson I had Elegant. Great friends we have."

     He laughed at that and her smile went from forced to genuine. "Well I'm glad to finally have your name Hawke. You made my arrival in Kirkwall not as bitter as it may have been. It's never an easy thing when mages dabble in forbidden arts and made all the worse when people get caught in the middle."

     Her father had always warned against blood magic. He said it was a road to nothing more than pain and death. They were the reason she was forced to hide. It was those that were too weak to stand on their own. Those that traded their lives and souls for temporary fleeting power only to become demons puppets. Weakness was its own prison. He must have seen the disgust cross her features as he seemed to become uncomfortable suddenly.

     "The Circle tries to protect the mages too, from such things. But that requires trust first. Something Meridith has yet to build well enough and with the Blight, mages have been shuffled to new towers upsetting the whole balance. People are stressed and being exposed to dangerous ideas." She almost believed him. Almost could think there was an excuse for such things.

     "It's just kinda hard to think anything nice about the man that stabbed me." She tried to smile sweetly and was rewarded with a deep blush spreading across Ser Cullen's cheeks. "I totally forgive you for all the touching without buying me dinner first though."

     "I could... you know... buy you dinner sometime. If you'd like." She had only been joking, but now the request and the offer for dinner hung between them like a dragon in the room.

     "I... uh... yeah sometime." A not so small part of her wanted to slam her head into the wall. She couldn't tell you either in that moment or even years later what made her say yes to that. Perhaps stupid was completely infectious and she'd caught it from Carver and Elegant.

     "Ok... well... it might not be soon. Things are busy at the Gallows and officers can hardly get a moment free."

     "You're an officer?" She said hoping the expression of horror on her face could be confused with being impressed.

     If his smile was anything to go by it definitely could."Uh yes, I'm the Knight Captain, did I not mention that?"

     Carver, dear sweet wonderful Carver, took that moment to extract himself and come back over. "Sister we need to be going we're already running behind."

     She smiled and stepped back. "It was nice to see you again. But Carver's right, we're already insanely far behind. Might never finish at this rate."

     Cullen smiled that brilliant, I kiss babies, rescue old ladies and drowning girls smile.  "I look forward to our dinner. Or perhaps just a drink sometime. It will be nice to have more friends in Kirkwall."

     She was stuck, no words came out so she just waved and the two siblings beat a hasty retreat, Payne following only minutes behind. Once out of sight she reached over and smacked Carver a good dozen times. "What were you thinking? WHY DID YOU DO THAT!"

     "Ow ow ow ow ow! How the hell was I supposed to know your little act made such an impression on the TEMPLAR! I thought it was someone with a JOB! How many Free Marchers do I need to worry about you having kissed? Because the list is growing Marian!" This was met with a full on punch that he merely laughed off.

     "One is not a big list Carver!" His eyes laughed with a secret joke and she didn't like it. Fortunately or unfortunately as one looked at it he chose to share.

     "You forget the boy who snogged you silly once. He was a Free Marcher. And you're incredibly hard to forget when one has given you a void dammed Mabari." Payne nipped the back of his calf at that. He preferred his name and rarely tolerated being called anything less than flattering.

     "Oh Posh! The Free Marches are a big place! And besides he was going into the Chantry. Come on. We have a thousand things to do and daylight is burning."

 

* * *

 

 

     Late that same night, in an odd little alley just around the corner from that horrid little Tavern in Lowtown, they moved like people possessed. It was too hot inside their clothes and armor. Laughter erupted as each fumbled with the others buckles and straps unwilling to remove hands from the other long enough for each to see to their own more familiar armor. He breathed out and she breathed in until they were living on the air from each others lungs. She could have lived forever in that moment lost in his husky laughter, the smell of soap on his skin and the taste of Lyrium on his tongue. His skin was fever hot against her and all she wanted was to feel more of it. Armour finally gone she pulled furiously on his linens stripping his shirt away. Her mouth broke away from his kissing down the slope of his neck. Her tongue dipped into the hollow of his collar bone hungry to taste every inch of him. She trailed lower and lower kissing over his chest and abs. Her hands grew frustrated with the laces on his breaches and began to try and rip them away before he took both hands in his and pinned them over her head pushing her against the wall.

     "Shhh Marian, it's ok." Holding her there his golden eyes staring into her soul. "Just let me take care of it." She nodded and allowed the Templar to take over. Her clothes were pulled off or pushed aside. 

     "Cullen," She whimpered before his mouth claimed hers again and his body came crashing over hers pinning her to the wall. There was a sudden sharp pain and for just a moment all movement stopped. "Is it supposed to hurt?" She whimpered softly waiting for the sensations everyone had told her to expect.

     "It doesn't hurt. You just get really cold then you fall asleep." He whispered lips brushing feather soft against the shell of her ear.

     "What are you talking about?" Her head was beginning to feel funny as he stepped back. She saw the blood coating his hands, flowing off of it. So much blood, her blood.

     "I'm sorry I had to. It's not murder. You would have killed me first. I was just defending myself." He was standing before her once more still bloody but fully dressed. She could smell the fresh turned soil as he told her again. "It's ok. I'm right here." His arms circled her squeezing and she tried again and again to draw breath but her head was dizzy and it wouldn't come.

     There was a dark haired man at the edge of her vision. "You need to wake up Marian."

     "Who are you? What's going on?" Panic was rising quickly and with each passing second she felt worse.

     "You need to wake up sweetheart. You need to remember."

     She pushed hard and emerged into darkness. "Daddy?" She whispered into the night.

     But it was just Gamlen's house. It had just been a dream. Again and again Marian tried to drag breath into her lungs. Cool hands rubbed her back and she nearly fell from the bunk in shock. It was only Mother and she leaned into her struggling to draw steady breaths.

     "Shhh Marian, it's ok. I'm right here." Mother kissed her temples and rubbed her back in slow soothing strokes as Marian shook nd shivered the dream refusing to fade from her mind.

    "Mother... I..." She struggled to find words to explain.

     "It's ok dear. Your Father used to have them too. But you're strong. You don't need to listen to them." Marian relaxed as Leandra offered comfort and smoothed back her hair pressing kisses to the top of her head.

     "I didn't mean to wake you. I'm sorry." The terror still thundered through her veins.

     "You didn't wake me dear. Carver did. He's making you tea." Leandra smiled and stroked her daughters hair. She was so much a child in that moment. Leandra thought, but these were no childhood dreams. Malcolm had them as well. The stronger the mage the more relentlessly the demons pursued. It had taken years before Malcolm would confess the truth of the things that terrorized him in the night. The demons who wore familiar faces. Demons who spoke lies so close to the truth it was hard to remember what he had dreamed and what he had lived. Now it was her daughter's turn. It was a burden of mages to be the target of demons. It was the price they paid. But she would be here. Holding her last mage. Giving her all the love she could to hold the darkness at bay. She would take every sleepless night and pained cry and kiss them away. After all it was a mage that showed her what love really was. It was a mage she would hold against the darkness, until the darkness learned better than to come for her family. "Do you want me to see if the tea is done?"

     Marian shook her head. "No I'll go in a minute. You should get some rest." Leandra soaked in the hug her daughter gave her. Her children were grown now. They may not want her to chase their demons, as they had as children when they came willingly crying to her, but all the same she would. Even if they never asked.

 

* * *

 

     Mother stepped into the main room where Carver sat making tea. "Thank you for waking me Carver. And thank you for making the tea."

     He smiled at her softly, "Is it over then? Is she awake?" He watched his Mother's small nod and knew Marian hadn't spoken of the dreams. He had tried not to listen. He had wanted not to listen. The walls here were just so thin and each pained broken cry hurt something deep inside. He preferred enemies he could see and touch and _stab._ "Get some rest Mother I'll bring the tea in it's nearly done. Besides we got lucky. There's no where to be tomorrow." The reminder of the end of their service to the Red Iron had the intended effect as the lines of her face smoothed. He knew she had thought of nothing but worry for them over the last year. It would be good to move on to other things.

      As Mother returned to bed Carver slid back into the room he shared with his sister. The tea that promised a dreamless sleep in a mug cupped between his hands. He looked at her and tried to see something in her eyes. Something that said the demons had taken hold. Something that warned his sister was not in there anymore. There was nothing. Not even a shadow just a deep tired and an even deeper weary.

     He didn't want to say anything, it just didn't feel like he had a choice. "You called his name, the Templar. Is that whose face it took. Was he coming for you?" He watched the emotions play across her face and he could see her turn over the lie in her head and settle upon the truth. He was glad of it. She should know by now he knew when she was lying to him.

     "No, he came to save me. He reminded me of something very important." Carver sat on the edge of the bed and handed her the tea. He hadn't made it in years, not since before Father died and he hoped he had done it correctly.

     When it became clear his sister would not carry on any further he prompted, "What did you forget?" When she looked up at him there was so much of Father burning brightly there he knew she would be just fine.

     "I forgot to be better. We must always try to be better than we are. No matter how good and right we believe ourselves to be." Carver nodded remembering the old teachings. Not words of wisdom gleaned from magic, but words of faith given in love. "Get some rest Carver. I'll be fine." She tried to push him back toward his bunk but he stood his ground.

     "Drink your tea. Then I'll get some rest." He watched her pull a face at the cup. Once he too had been curious and had just a sip from Father during one of those late long nights when the terrors he faced in the fade had roused them all. He did not pity her. It went down as thick as congealed gravy and tasted like Mabari shit. The colder it got the worse it tasted, but there would be no dreams. Her mind was too raw to send her back into the fade. "Drink your tea or I swear I'll hold you down and force it down your throat. You need to get some rest after the day we've had." He watched as she nodded and drank it down checking that the cup was truly empty before crawling back into his own bunk. This morning he thought they were done for sure. But his Maker blessed sister found a way out yet again. If only she'd stop encouraging Void dammed Templars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to Mothers and their silent battle against the independence of their children. Also NEW CONTEST! Anyone tell me WHY Cullen would be talking to Samson about personal matters? I'll give you a hint. Check the Wikia! Winner gets a oneshot of the topic of their choice outside the main storyline.


	10. Two Dreamers One Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two dreamers with the same desire. The demon just couldn't resist weaving it together to a perfect torture for the both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be kind my current beta does not do smut so he didn't read this chapter. Feel free to let me know if anythings wrong or... runny on ish. Poor Cullen. I think I might finally have to tag for Cullen/Hawke. But be warned Each bit of Smut I write I get a bit (if only a tiny bit) more descriptive as I learn to do it.

    They had met for drinks, or was it dinner.

    All he knew was she tasted like the air after a storm and was wearing far too many clothes. She was home and hope and light and everything he thought the demons had tainted for him at the top of the Circle Tower in Kinloch Hold. All he wanted in the world was to hold her closer.This was what it should have been. A beautiful girl and a few drinks that ended in...

    Oh Maker what was she doing with her tongue. Her fingers at his laces brushing against him had him nearly coming undone. He had his pride as a man and he would be sure it didn't end like that. He pinned her to the wall hands over her head and let his thoughts go. Just feeling and in turn tracing kisses down her neck and breasts tasting the salt of her sweat on her skin. His tongue sweeping a nipple up between his teeth just until she cried so prettily then switching to the other. The very touch of her sent electric tingles anywhere his skin made contact.

    Finally after what felt like a thousand tugs and pushes she was bare before him. He pushed her back onto a crate and smiled as he learned the most intimate parts of her with lips and tongue. He pressed his face deeper into the folds between her thighs. He wanted to be ashamed that every skill he applied had been learned in the torturous days he had been held captive by the desire demon. But guilt was a hard thing to come by as it caused her to make the sweetest sounds. She called his name gently burying her fingers into his hair wordless mewlings of a woman who wasn't sure what she wanted only that she wanted him to give it to her. His fingers joined his tongue working in a furious tandem until she shattered around him calling his name. He rose again lips tracing a pattern back up over the curve of her hip and past each rib counting them. His tongue swept over the swell of her breast before returning his lips to her own swallowing the whispers of his name.  He kissed her deep and full the taste of her still on his lips. He pushed his own breaches down now and seated inside her in a single long stroke. It was different he decided. Reality was nothing like the nightmares and it was like a balm to his soul. This was something new and untainted. He let a breath go and relaxed fully into her unaware until that moment how much he had been holding back. Without warning there was a figure in the alley. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice reminded him, he knew this was a bad idea. He could only hope it didn't make it back to Meridith. "Cullen... Cullen you need to wake up. Look at her Cullen." 

    "Solona?" Something was wrong. She should be in Ferelden facing the Blight. No. Not this. He turned back to his partner and recognized the wicked grin that had come to haunt his nights. 

    "No. NO! Leave me! Begone!" He came awake with a start and pushed up from his bed. He snatched up the first thing he laid hands on. A chair that was soon nothing more than a thousand pieces of kindling after he threw it against the stone wall. He was drenched in sweat and shaking with rage. Would he never be free of this? Would these dreams haunt him with every turn in his life. Despite the demons presence his body was hard and wanting straining against the linen pants he had worn to bed. He knew from experience giving into that desire only made the dreams come back worse and he stalked out of the gallows half dressed before jumping into the bay. The shock of the cold water washing away the desires he refused to think on now. There would be no more sleep tonight. And perhaps it would be best if he avoided her for a bit. Just until he could tell his dreams from reality. 


	11. New Friends and Old Robes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke is given an offer she'd be a fool to refuse. Leandra brings the past out.

    She woke to a house in full motion. It was always strange waking up from the tea. It was a bit like blinking. There was no sense of time passing. She slid out of the bunk and reached for her Red Iron gear out of habit. It would have to do until she got something better. But today was the first day of forever. Today she would find a way to make it in this city on her own. She looked at the small chest in the corner. She had packed away so many things when she arrived and soon she would have to dig one out. But first she was going to eat something. No use in tackling that particular headache until she'd eaten.

    In the main room Mother was already up and fussing at Carver about his hair. "It's too long. You should go get a trim before going to the Merchants' Guild. You want to make a good impression."

    "Mother if we don't impress them with skill hair isn't going to make one bit of difference. Besides Marian doesn't look one bit a girl. She looks like she rolls around with Payne all day and wears men's clothing." She could see the twinkle in Carvers eye and knew he was up to something.

    "I told you earlier what ever she's doing has been enough for gossip to link her romantically to that Templar and that's enough for now. It will be quite the embarrassment for him now if she gets hauled in. She needs no more attention than that."

    "I'M DOING WHO NOW?" Marian shrieked her jaw dropping. Leandra spun on her heel seeing her eldest behind her in a frozen state of shock. She calmly put the breakfast pan down and wiped her hands off.

    "That's the rumor. Lord knows why I had to hear it from Lirene and not from you. I went in to get a few things for breakfast this morning and it was all she could talk about. How my little girl was being courted by the Knight Captain. I can't say I agree with this playing of emotions but its good enough to keep you out of the Gallows for the moment. But I hope you have a better plan than stringing him along.  Because you mark my words young lady your playing with a fire that will burn your whole life to the ground." It was the kind of quiet anger that reminded Marian sometimes her mother was no simple peasant wife. She was noble to her very core. She was good and kind and true. She was honest and above all else she was everything Hawke had ever wanted to be. It was time to be honest. Marian sunk into a chair and took a deep breath.

    "I didn't mean for it to happen. There was a blood mage. Maybe seven, eight months ago." Marian held up her hand to stop the protests that were sure to follow. "We just got stuck nearby. But I got dropped into the bay. He fished me out and I'm fine. He recognized me yesterday. Apparently he... likes me. Andraste's tits Mother he's so damn handsome. It's like the maker crafted him out of sunshine. I'd have to kiss a girl to explain why I wasn't interested in that."

    "He's not _that_ handsome Marian." Carver scoffed and stole an extra portion out of the pan. Leandra smacked his wrist as he pulled it back grinning.

    "That's only because you do kiss girls. But anyway he was all... you eat right? And I was all, Yeah I eat. And he was all, We should eat sometime. Or get a drink. But I'm a very busy man. and I was all, yeah _sometime_. And that was it! See! No leading on, no big things. No..."

    "You left out the part where you kissed him!" Carver helpfully interjected using Leandra's momentary distraction to steal the rest of his sister's breakfast.

    "Marian Anne Hawke!"

    "It was ages ago! It was like one second and I was trying to distract him considering he'd just been giving me mouth to mouth and I needed a reason to run away."

    "There was tongue." Carver said with a grin shoveling food faster into his mouth.

    "CARVER SHUT UP!" Marian screamed.

    "THERE WAS TONGUE!" Leandra had to grip the back of a chair to remain standing.

    "STOP IT WITH THE SHOUTING!" They all turned to see a rather hungover Gamlen in the doorway. "Leandra what's done is done. You ran away with an apostate. If your daughter dates a Templar and gets herself thrown in the Gallows that's her business. Love above all else right? Besides there are a thousand ways to put a man off you without hurting him or kissing girls. Start with making him think that's just you. He sounds a sincere enough sort if he remembered you. Kiss someone else who does something for you. Like its a funny Lothering Custom. Just for void's sake not your brother. And get the hell out of my house if your going to keep yelling." He turned and shuffled back to bed and the three watched him go.

    "This is not over young lady not by a long shot. You need to rethink your choices in men." Hissed Leandra before turning back to the now empty table.

    "I promise Mother I'll make it right." She gathered Leandra's hands together and kissed the knuckles."I promise. I will make this right."

    Leandra could see so much of Malcolm in Marian. She looked like him and had his humor. She carried his magic. She never made promises she wouldn't move the world to keep. Leandra nodded. "Just, be careful. It's a sword that can turn and cut you just as fast as it could defend you. Please. Be careful."

    Marian nodded and turned back to the table hoping to find something to eat. The last bite disappeared into Carver's mouth. She heaved a long suffering sigh. One would think that nineteen years living with the boy she would remember to keep an eye on her meals. "Come on. Let's head out. I want to hit the Merchants guild and see about work before going to see Aveline. We've got a promise to keep."

    Leandra stopped Marian with a hand on her elbow. "Could you stop in for lunch. I'd... that is to say I have been meaning to give you something." Marian nodded and gave Payne a nudge.

    "Come on boy! We need to go get a job so Carver can afford a haircut!" She pushed out of the house followed a moment later by both brother and Mabari. "You know you could have asked. I would have shared my breakfast you didn't need to toss me into the lake back there.'

    "Someone needs to make you see reason. You turn into an idiot around that man all big eyed and smiling. You don't even see it do you. You keep touching his arm when you talk to him. That's a huge come fuck me flag Marian."

    "Look I'll pay more attention. You could always pull the _stay away from my sister_ routine."

    "He'll just counter with _your sister is a big girl_. You know no one thinks you need or would welcome my _protection._ "

    Marian just nodded as they wound their way through the nearly empty market. She picked up a few rolls from the baker just finishing his morning rounds. They made their way silently through the city watching it wake slowly as they went. It always seemed to spread up from Darktown. The residents would be up before anyone else hoping to scrounge from the richer areas while the gangs were abed and there was no one yet to chase them off. Then the docks as shipments came in on the early tides. Lowtown would wake next all of the workers making the day ready. So that when the blessed residents of Hightown finally shrugged from their slumber the world was in full swing ready to meet their every demand. 

 

    That's when they heard one hired guard talk to another. A dwarf named Bartrand was putting together a group to dive into the deep roads. It was like the Andraste's Ashes of jobs. It would build on an already strong reputation and pay enough to give them a chance to be choosy about which jobs they took after. And it would be a blessed few weeks away from Kirkwall and time to think about the Cullen situation. _'Wait, when did he stop being the Templar and became Cullen. Please Maker don't let Carver be right. I do not have a crush.'_ She thought to herself waiting and watching before finally spotting the Dwarf Bartrand and introducing them selves. It did not go well. She insisted whomever he had hired wasn't as good as she and wouldn't it be better to come back alive. He accused her of just wanting a quick way out of the slums and shot them down flat. Marian briefly wondered if Carver's haircut had made a difference.

    "We have to get onto that expedition. We're running from your Templar after all!"

    "Thank you Carver. I'm taking care of MY Templar."

    "Maker, I didn't mean it like that. It's just we need to get in on this. It's our best chance. Maybe Uncle Gamlen can help."

    "Well you catch more flies with honey but Gamlen's bullshit could work too."

    The next few moments ran together when Marian thinks on them later. She clearly remembers her coin purse being snatched, and she can feel the magic pool in her hands and lets it fall dead away looking past the thief. A Knight Commander in her full uniform is just about to turn the corner and sees her. Marian may have imagined the falter in the woman's step when their eyes met, just for a moment but then there was a Dwarf returning with her coin purse and the Knight Commander carried on like Marian was just like every other citizen of Kirkwall.

    "How do you do? Varric Tethras at your service." He proposed a partnership. An investment that would have them living on scraps and breaking their backs to raise a single chunk of coin. If it was successful though... they would have the world at their feet. It was like offering someone the choice between cake and death. The correct answer was obvious. Especially since even this random Dwarf in the middle of the Merchants guild had already heard the rumors of her and the Knight Captain.

    "We have to see a friend about a job. You're welcome to tag along. Many hands make light work." Hawke gave him her winning smile and he chuckled and shook his head.

    "I'm with you all the way." The now four companions started toward the Guard Barracks in Viscounts Way. Marian strides out ahead of the rest, Payne so close beside she would have a patch of dog hair on the outside of her knee. Carver a few steps behind seething at being expected to follow without being told who she was going to see. Varric laughed and tried to offer advice on the perks of being the younger sibling.

    Aveline had work and Marian was more than happy to take it, filling her in on the expedition but that wasn't the reason she intended to stop by today.   

    "Aveline, we made a promise... back in Lothering. We have to keep it. Or I do and since... Well I mean it was when..." She swallowed hard and the rest came out in a single breath one word rushing into the next. "I'm taking the Amulet to the Dalish and I wanted to know if you would like to come?"

    Aveline's confusion and furrowed brow smoothed away. "I'd like that. To finish together what we began together. To put the past of our friendship behind us so we can face it's future together." Her gentle smile had the tightness in Hawke's chest easing.

    "Thank you Aveline. Thank you for... still being a friend."

    "After all we've been through? I'd never forgive myself if I got you this far and then abandoned you. You won't make it without me. You have no idea how many reports don't make it to the Templars and just get filed away. Speaking of Templars, rumors have you engaged to the Knight Captain?"

    Marian threw her hands in the air and stalked out calling behind her, "Meet us at Gamlen's just after lunch. We'll head out from there and can see about your Ambush coming back down the mountain. It may be better if they don't expect us to be coming from behind them." Payne whined and planted himself firmly in front of her stopping her from exiting the barracks. Marian turned to face Aveline once more. "And if you walk past the kitchen trash we would be forever in your debt if you found a bit of what ever he's smelling. We don't care what shape its in." One happy bark later and the Mage and her Hound were off again. Varric's hoots of laughter even had Marian smiling. "Do you see what you put me through. Dwarves are mocking me now. You didn't need it. You're already fat enough and beg too many scraps." A happy woof was her only answer as they set to rushing about talking to everyone they knew. Begging jobs and asking about work.

    The morning slipped by quickly enough and they invited Varric back for lunch, who insisted on bringing a bottle of wine and a few food treasures hidden amongst the masses of terrible choices in the Lowtown Market.

    "So Hawke, Do you always have whole conversations with your dog in public places?" Varric asked curious about the woman behind the rumors.

    "He's not a dog. He's a Mabari." She stated simply, reaching down to rub his ears.

    "He look's like a dog. Is this a tale of a far off prince trapped into a dog's body. Oh don't tell me your searching for his true love to kiss him back to being a handsome royal." He turned to Payne and gave a low sweeping and excellently executed bow.  "Forgive my impertinence your royal highness."

    Payne in turn gave an approving huff and tail wagging sat and offered a paw dipping his head. Varric to his credit seemed completely unfazed as he took the offered paw with grace befitting a true king.

    The lingering darkness of her nightmares was banished at the sight. "He's smarter than most people is all I'm saying. He understands everything you say. My understanding him is just years of us running around together. Like learning Orlesian or Tevene. I can do both of those well enough to know stop, and kill you. I'm much more fluent in Payne." 

    "Well Hawke, that's not something most people admit the first day they meet but if that's what your into."

    "She meant his name is Payne. You're terrible."

    "I'm terrible! Your sister's the one who broke the heart of a Templar Knight Captain. He learned their love was not to be as she was betrothed to an Antivan lord. A lord who would stop at nothing to find his contracted wife who had managed to slip through his fingers when the blight hit her homeland."

    "That is an impressive line of bull shit." Carver scoffed.

    Varric gave his hand a small wave brushing off the unintended compliment. "It's a gift. But shall we go on your highness, the humans seem to get irritable when you fail to feed them on time." When the two walked off leaving the siblings behind Carver shook his head.

    "Great now I'm following behind a dwarf and a dog, not just my sister."

* * *

 

    The meal had been simple but more than enough with Varric's thoughtful additions. Leaving enough for them to pack into a cold dinner to take. Hawke had come into the room she shared with Carver and began digging into a chest of things she hadn't touched since she had packed it away. She choked gently on her own sorrow as she moved aside a bloodied red bandana. Bethany's blood brown and dried, a striking reminder of that day. The day she failed. As she pulled the amulet from the bottom of the trunk and tucked it away she didn't even hear her mother enter behind her until she was setting the small chest down in the middle of the room. Marian's heart stopped as her eyes lit upon it. It was older than she was. She had never actually seen inside of it but she remembered it being moved each time they ran. It was important to her father above so many other things they had abandoned over the years in the speed of their flights.

    "He wanted you to have it someday." Leandra pressed the key into Marian's hand and helped her turn it. Laying pieces out one by one robes, gloves, boots. She had even dragged in his staves. "This was what he wore that night we ran from Kirkwall. When he came to say goodbye and I wouldn't let him leave without me. This was what he was wearing the day I met him. These were his favorite boots! He wanted to leave it to you and Bethany. He wanted you to have something to help protect you." Leandra had meant to be there for her daughter but instead Marian was there for her. She held her mother tightly as she sobbed missing him almost more than she could bear again. It was like a sharp reminder that he was what made every hardship worth it and her life was empty without him in it.

    "Thank you mother. Thank you so much. I'll be careful with them." It was Leandra's sharp laugh that startled her.

    "No need he never was. I patched these things more times than I care to count. In fact that one has a stain right there on the hem from my getting sick on your father just a few weeks before you were born. You didn't like his lamb stew and sent it right back."

    "Oh Maker! Don't blame that on me! Father's lamb stew was horrible! What did he do to it?" The women were laughing and embracing once more comforting the raw edges of their hurt with fond memories. Leandra helped her eldest child into the robes tucking and buckling to bring it in around her hips just a bit and let it out round her chest. She looked so striking with the Chantry sun across her back and Leandra sat staring for a long moment trying to remember why it looked so odd. Soon she was digging deep into the chest again and removed a long Orlesian silk wrap in the brightest red. There was a story to its addition to Malcolm's wardrobe of choice but it was not one to be shared with their children. She had searched for it for days after that first magical night and her heart had seized in her chest when she had seen her beloved next. He had stolen her wrap from that night and now wore it boldly and blatantly wrapped about his waist. Seeing Marian in it now it was like looking back into time to that long ago day when she knew she loved him above all else.

    "I've kept you long enough. You should be getting going. I can hear Ms. Vallen speaking to Master Tethras Their just waiting for you now." Marian nodded and tried to settle the swell of pride in her chest before stepping into the main room.

    "Alright? Whose ready to go give a bunch of elves a necklace then stab some bandits?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To give reference for the robes Hawke has chosen to wear.  
> http://dragonage.wikia.com/wiki/The_Fugitive%27s_Mantle


	12. The Companions Come Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The misfit group Marian Hawke gathered together have drinks at the hanged man waiting for Hawke to show up and discuss how they all met her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry. That's all I can say. I've been battling a bout of depression and losing lately. I have decided one of the best things to do is to both push forward and get to the more interesting original bits. It's very hard to know if what I'm doing is working without feedback so please comment if something lost you or if you liked it. Otherwise I'm going to keep writing without direction and only following a general outline to get to the places I want to go and make my mental fantasies reality in my own little version lol. But seriously. Please comment.
> 
> Also I have gone back and cleaned up chapter 1 it was written in a fit of mania and posted without ever being re read so that crap is not so shit any more lol

    "Oh... It was terrible." Merrill had a look of horror on her face. "I thought for sure she hated me. There was yelling. The Keeper never yelled she just frowned in a very disappointed manner." Merrill stared into her hands remembering the day a few weeks ago that Anders had just asked about. It still made her worry that Hawke was going to change her mind at any time and leave her alone in the Alienage without any friends.

    "Got you beat. We killed an old friend of mine and she called me an Abomination. Didn't speak to me for another week until she came in bleeding profusely at some disgusting hour of the morning." Anders smiled into his mug at the memory. "Told me if I glowed at all she'd whack me with her whacking stick."

    "You mean her staff?" Fenris growled just coming back to the table with a fresh round for everyone.

    "No. She said whacking stick. She had lost A LOT of blood." Anders laughed at the memory. Hawke bleeding from so many non lethal places and neither of the rogues had bothered to try a bandage on any one. There was a path of blood all the way from the wounded coast.

    "Isabella and I had to drag her in. Apparently there's a level of injured where a mage can't get enough thought together to cast a healing spell. I remember it like it was yesterday. Funny how three days ago can seem so clear." Varric laughed. "But seriously we should have taken someone with a better grasp on healing since we did go tearing off after rogue Qunari."

    "There was only dragging because you weren't doing your half of the work." Isabella grumbled. Draining her glass and swapping the empty with Merrill's full one. The poor girl couldn't keep up with the level of alcohol that was coming steadily around the table.

    "Oh... So I wasn't the only one she didn't like at first." Merrill leaned into the table wanting to hear the story. "Is she a bit like a Halla that you have to earn her trust before she likes you?"

    "Maybe so Daisy. I'm don't even think our Fearless Leader liked me first time we met." Varric smiled and patted her hand trying to calm the poor girls fears.

    "Well someone needs to tell me about Hawke yelling at Merrill. I just can't even picture it." Anders looked far away for a moment. It didn't seem like the beautiful collected woman he knew to begin yelling. She was always the first to call for calm and reason. She tended to crack inappropriate jokes if that didn't work.

    "Well Blondie it went something like this...We had been climbing Sundermount for days." Varric took up his story telling stance, feet splayed and arms waving to set the scene.

    "It had only been two hours Varric." Carver jumped in indignant.

    "Shut up Junior are you telling this story or am I. Now... "

_"We had been climbing Sundermount for days to return the amulet entrusted into the hands of Hawke by Flemeth, witch of the wilds. Once there we learned of a young woman who would assist if only we rescued her off to Kirkwall."  
_

    "OH THAT'S ME!" Merrill clapped delighted.

    "Yes Daisy it was. Can I go on now?" Varric not normally one to enjoy being interrupted couldn't help but smile. It had put such a light in her eyes replacing the sadness that had lingered there since the day they had met her.

    "Oh... yes sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt." Merrill sat back dutifully.

_"So up the mountain we went never knowing what waited as we fought bravely against restless dead, giant spiders and horrors of the Arcane. Along the way we reached a Magical Barrier that held us back. The lovely and graceful Dalish woman who had been escorting us up used magic of a forbidden nature to dispel the barrier!_

_Our fearless leader Hawke lost her mind for a moment screaming in a voice that had the beasts fleeing before her terror,_ "DEMONS MERRILL! FUCKING DEMONS WILL TEAR YOUR SOUL OUT AND EAT YOUR FRIENDS FOR AFTERNOON TEA!" _Our brave Dalish friend held her calm perfectly."_

    "No.... That's not how it went. I cried and told her I knew what I was doing."

    "I'm telling this story Daisy. Reality has no place in stories."

    "Oh yes. Carry on." This time Merrill clasped her hands over her mouth to prevent any further outbursts.

_"Anyway, we battled our way up. Valiant heroes against unimaginable odds. Until there atop the mountain the pendant of incredible power was activated by ancient Dalish Magics. It was revealed to the hapless unknowing travelers that it_ _contained a bit of a soul. The soul of Asha'bellanar or as she is known outside of the noble Dalish_ , _Flemeth the Witch of the Wilds. Hawke had smuggled her across the sea and the into Kirkwall keeping her hidden until that day. She put her free once more into the world. With only a mysterious promise_ _of the future before us all, she was gone once more into the sky a dragon taken to wing!_

    "You should have been there that night when my sister was trying to puzzle the whole bit out. She almost wore an entirely new hole in the floor." Carver laughed and waved Norah over to order another round. "But seriously that was less weird then when we met Anders. Running into the Chantry getting attacked by Templars. Then the whole spirit of Justice thing. That was weird. And nearly got us all locked into the Gallows."

    "Yes... the screams of Abomination were very helpful to the whole running around with two Apostates thing. Did wonders for the not getting caught bit." Anders glared at Fenris. "Hows that whole Mage hating thing going? You seem to be following closely enough behind Hawke to kill her at a moments notice if it took your fancy."

    "Hawke, is not an Abomination. You, on the other hand are. You willingly invited a Demon into your soul and forever branded yourself as such. And if I remember correctly she was the _first_ to call you such."

    "He's a Spirit of Virtue! Not all spirits are demons! He's my friend as well. You're just a slave who will bring the Tevinter Imperium down on us all. Out of the two of us I am the MUCH less dangerous one."

    "Yes abomination, keep telling yourself that. Keep telling yourself that someday your foolish quest for freedom and power will not doom us all." Fenris's grip on his mug was threatening to crack it as the lyrium embedded into his skin began to ripple and glow.

    "Or you could wrestle. I could get the oil and you strip down and wrestle. Who ever wins goes home with Hawke. I get the loser!" Isabella hooted with laughter dodging both the empty mug and blast of frost slung at her head from between the warring gentleman.

    "Oh I don't think Hawke would like that. Anders has much more experience in naked wrestling. But she's always watching Fenris when he's not looking and Fenris is always watching her. She once said he was made of moon beams. I don't know what she meant by that but it seemed so awfully pretty it had to be a compliment."

    Fenris choked.

    "Watch it Broody. The ale here will actively try to kill you if you give it half a chance. And Carver quit making that face. Apparently a preference to elves runs a bit in the family." Varric tried not to chuckle.

    "What makes you think I know anything about naked oil wrestling Merrill?" Anders said trying to peel his jaw off the table.

    "Well I got a peek in one of your books. There was a grease spell with pictures. It looked like wrestling. Was it not wrestling?" Merrill asked growing more confused with each thing that seemed to fly over her head.

    "Oh kitten," Isabella took both of Merrill's hands in her own.

    "Did I miss something dirty? I wish someone would tell me when I do instead of just letting me go on. Can you teach me any dirty spells Anders?" Merrill had such an imploring look on her face.

    Carver cut in suddenly flashing Anders a glare that left no doubt that he might just hurt the mage if he did. "From what I hear Isabella, meeting you was a bit interesting as well. So sorry I missed it but Mother wanted an escort through the markets that day."

    "Oh that little thing? It was just a bar fight and a duel that left a man dead. Wednesday for me you know." She waved the whole thing off with an air of disinterest.

    "Yes because Tuesday is for ritual dismemberments." Anders chuckled in a private joke.

    "Oh... Well Fenris, I wasn't there, how did you meet Hawke? You just seemed to show up with her at my door when she came by to visit. Did you know her before me or after me? It get's a bit confusing." Merrill said jumping in again.

    "She agreed to assist with a trap that had been laid for me. We defeated the men who were after me and I agreed to help if I could. I was tired of running and this seemed as good a place as any to wait for Danarius to come for me." Fenris said bluntly pushing away his half finished drink. He had too much already he was certain.

    "It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you had a mage willing to help to fight fire with fireballs when Danirius did. It just seemed like a logical stopping place. Got it." Anders was glaring again.

    "Carver how did you meet Hawke?" Merrill perked up she had heard every other story but Carver had yet to tell her.

    "She's my sister." He looked confused.

    "Yes but how did you meet?" Merrill was sincere, Carver couldn't believe it. Well if she wanted to know...

    "Well I suppose it was when my father cried out. 'There's another one coming Leandra!' and handed me to my sister."

    Anders fell out of his chair laughing.

    Isabella bought him another drink.

    Varric quickly scribbled the exchange into his notebook grinning widely.

    Merill just smiled wistfully. "That's a lovely story."

    Carver turned bright red.

    Hawke finally arrived at the hanged man with Aveline. "What did I miss?"

    Even Fenris could not help but crack a smile after that.


	13. Carver acts like a tit but for a good cause.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carver has been noticing the lingering stares Fenris has been giving his sister. He knows a few things and isn't opposed to selective over sharing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters at once because my beta is in bed and I couldn't post until he woke up and went over my horrid grammar with me lol.

    "If you think her leading on the Knight Captain was bad you should hear about how she ended up with Payne." Carver's eyes nearly lit up as he turned his gaze upon Fenris. He really was beginning to delight in torturing the poor elf.

    "I thought Mabari chose the masters they bonded to." Fenris did not want to be interested. He didn't want to know more about the mage who had disappeared into the Gallows to talk privately to Thrask about the death of his daughter. Some traitorous part of him needed to know though. It had almost become like breathing. He found himself waiting to see if she would come by to ask for his help before doing anything else for the day. He had even once tried to state he had plans to see what she would do. To see if she would demand he come along. She had simply looked so crestfallen and stammered something about seeing if Aveline could get away before he claimed it could be done another time and followed after anyway.

    "Sort of. But you can kind of direct it by not giving them a lot of options." Carver grinned in that I know something manner that was beginning to make Fenris want to punch him, or shove a fist in his chest if wouldn't upset Marian so.

    "What do you mean didn't give him options."

    "Well Marian had been obsessed with the Mabari that Arl Howe was raising when we were staying up that way. She used to go see them every day. Watching and staring. There was a family visiting from the Free Marches. Friends of the Arl. Had a boy about her age and they had told him he could have one for his name day."

    "I don't see what this story has to do with anything." Fenris turned his back trying to ignore the implications and Carver at the same time.

    "Well long story short. I found her coming out of the Mabari kennels just after the boy. Her hair was a mess and her dress... Well lets just say there was no doubts about what had been happening just moments before. He had given her the puppy. It was really a very nice gift to a girl he'd only just met."

    "What do you mean only just met?" Fenris could have cursed himself for the venom in his tone.

    "Father had made very careful to keep us away from them. Free Marchers tend to put younger sons into the service of the Chantry. You know, Templars and such. So it's not like they could have been very well acquainted, or then again maybe they had been seeing _a lot_ of each other. My sister tended to disappear for hours at a time back then. You know you're right. It was probably something that had built up over time. Keep waiting to see if we run into the man out here. Nobleman could keep her a lot safer than all the treasure in the deep roads. Money only buys so much influence. Oh here she is!"

     Fenris tried to hide the bother in his face. He was not as effective as he would have liked to have been though as the first thing Marian said when she walked up was, "Carver, What have you done to poor Fenris?"

    Her brothers grin was wide. "Just telling him about how you got Payne."

    She laughed then. "That old story? Where you acted like such a tit Payne hated you. Oh. You mean the bit where I kissed a seventeen year old boy who had some sob story about joining the priesthood and begged me to give him a good home."

    "A less detailed version of the latter." Fenris grumbled and glared at the back of Carver's head.

    "The boy begged me to give him a good home. I was going to give him to Carver for his own name day that was right around the corner. Did you tell him why you got a whet stone instead? The part where you were so mean to my poor baby that he wouldn't come near you for the next two years? Or how about the part where it put a decisive end to my having any sort of suitors after that? The bit where no one was brave enough to talk to the girl with the giant war hound named Payne. First kiss was my last alas. Well... aside from that bit where I drowned and went stupid and kissed a Templar in an attempt to run for the hills." Marian sighed and crouched down to pet Payne burying her head in his neck.

    "He did fail to mention the rest, yes." Fenris took the moment of Hawke's distraction to act on the urge to punch Carver and slugged him right in the shoulder. He was rather bothered by how easily stories of Hawke with anyone raised his ire. He refused to call it jealousy.

    Carver only chuckled having accomplished his mission to see if Fenris actually cared about her or if it was all just a bid for sympathy. "Well it wasn't like we had hours to rehash every moment of what happened. You were only gone a quarter of an hour and most of that was spent staring into the bay."

    "Come on, I have a few things I want to return to people that I've found around the city. Seriously you would think pick pockets would either get better fences or stop stealing such unique items and abandoning them in dark corners."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I desperately plead for comments. Tell me if you like it even if you just give me a smiley face its better than wondering if you all hate it and I've lost you.


	14. The Hound and His Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Payne gets to go to the Markets! YAY THE MARKETS! Then Marian sees a shadow from her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first portion came from Payne's point of view. If it needs reworking to understand it let me know. It's always a challenge to make people understand how Dogs see things and how they relate.

    The humans were being weird. Payne could smell the want heavy on the pale one. It was like he smelled roast chickens every time he looked over at his Marian. She was something he dreamed of but no one would ever give him. He just loved smelling it. Not like the want that was on the stupid one who smelled like cats and plants. He wanted like she was a bone. He looked at his Marian and treated her like he was just waiting for someone to give her to him. Payne did not like this. His Marian was smarter than that. She would never step down to a stupid cat lover. Then again she looked at the Pale one like he smelled like stew. Payne knew if she was just patient there would be plenty of the pale one he was willing to share with her.  

    Payne would have bitten the pale for all of the punching he was doing to the boy, but the boy was laughing. Humans were weird. Maybe they were just fighting for dominance. No one had bothered to challenge him yet or his Marian. They understood. She was in charge and then him. It used to be simple but now there were more and Father and Bethy were gone. The kind of gone people did not come home from. Everyone was trying to decide where they belonged, but they would figure it out. You have to let them do it on their own or they would never stop fighting. 

    They were going through the market now. Oh Payne love love loved the market. The market was the best so many smells and sometimes people dropped good things to eat or fun things to steal. Sometimes they pet him or just played a game of chase and run away! Oh he loved the markets! OH Yes! Both Markets! Today must be Payne's lucky day! The upper market always had less people but also many more who would slip him things or pet him gently if he was quiet and a good boy. There were also fewer people here who threw things at him or yelled. Worst they did here was ignore him. Then down the street and he smelled the place his Marian only went when people went away. He did not like it. It could have been fun. It smelled like flowers and candles but the people who lived there insisted he wait outside. That he was only a simple beast and had no place in the house of the Maker. They were almost there and he wasn't looking forward to having to wait on the steps but then he smelled something. 

    It was the BEST BOY! It was the boy who gave his Marian to him! Oh he loved that boy! He wanted to run over and thank him. He did not have a chance all that time ago when he was tiny and did not understand. But he was the Best Boy to ever live! He knew his Marian was the best human in the whole wide world and gave her to him! But... Why was his Marian stopped? Why was her heart beating so? Didn't she want to thank the Best Boy too?

* * *

    Her father had warned her once that if you talked about something too much you could make it happen. That some mages had that power. The very fact of their wanting could make a thing happen. She had been thinking of that far off day since Carver had brought it up that morning. A boy who claimed to be a prince who said he was going into the chantry. Now he was standing not ten feet away screaming about his family being murdered. She didn't even know she had taken a few steps backwards until there was Fenris's hand there on the small of her back. He was like an anchor back to reality that this wasn't a dream or a vision sent to torment her by demons. This was real. She watched him stalk past her. Maybe he didn't remember her. That would be best, if he didn't remember her like she remembered him. He had posted something to the Chanter's board. That's what she was here for right? Postings to the chanters board. With the courtyard cleared she snatched it down and turned on the other two.

    "Let's grab Anders. It's time to kill some Mercenaries. I haven't liked the Flint Company since they snatched that job with Harimann right out from under us." She hoped Carver didn't recognize him or she would never live this down. 

    Carver merely shrugged and Fenris checked his supplies. "Hawke if were going out with the Abomination I would prefer to have a few more potions. He tends to be too liberal with his spells since he is willing to heal any damage and I would rather he didn't touch me."

    "Right. Carver you get Anders. Fenris go tell Aveline so the guard is informed that we're on official business. I'll go see Elegant." She put a hand out to steady herself and found it resting on that bare strip of skin on Fenris upper arm over his gauntlets. He was warmer than she thought he would be and the Lyrium hummed under her fingers making her lose sense of time. She felt like she was touching him for hours or days. She could feel him as if she was the one in his skin the warm hand on her arm and two hearts beat in a tandem for just a moment. Then Payne whined and licked the fingers of her other hand and she finally yanked her self back.

    She did her best to keep her breath even and steady. "Sorry! No touching! Accident! Gotta go!" She ran for Lowtown. If she ever needed a friend like Elegant it was now. 


	15. That doesn't go there.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Elegant have a little chat and don't account for elven ears not just being for show. Then they fight Dragons. It is not fun. It does not go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My husband says there is a drinking game for this chapter every time there is an innuendo you have to drink.

"What do you mean you touched him? Like in some wonderfully naughty way?" Elegant ran her fingers through Hawke's hair as her head was cradled in Elegant's lap

"No... well it felt naughty. He doesn't like the touching and I just left my hand on his arm." Hawke's head shot up. "Those lines go... everywhere. I could feel the lyrium in his skin. I could feel where it reached. I could feel myself touching it. Oh my god, Elle now I want to do horrible terrible dirty things to a man that doesn't even want to be touched. I am so fucked. I want to lick him clean like I was a cat. Gah!" She buried her face deeply into her friends lap once more mumbling against her skirts. "Its like I only get worked up for men that either can or will never touch me. A Templar, a Chantry brother and NOW an elven god of lyrium and giant powerful weapons whose very skin is threaded with the breath of the maker that makes it both so enticing and so impossible to touch."

Elegant laughed gently at her friend. "Well touch one of them for makers sake. Please before you explode. A girl can only take so much. Why do you think I got married? I was tired of looking and not touching."

"I thought you got married because you loved him and he loved you? Are you a liar Lady Elegant?"

Elegant only laughed. "I do love him. That's what made the not touching so very very hard. It's incredibly difficult not to love someone that looks _at_ you. Looks past all the little damaged bits and goes... that's the prettiest girl I've ever known. You need to touch something. Either by yourself with someone else or have one hell of a confession. Let someone see your ugly bits dear. It's the only way to know true love from false. Either he'll stay or he'll run. We've all got demons though most of them not so literal as yours." They laughed like they were school girls discussing a crush, not men that might likely kill her for being a mage.

"Confess with your lips dearest Hawke. How far do those markings go? Or will you simply map them with your lips?" The girls dissolved into laughing that only grew more uncontrolled when the object of their discussion arrived in the doorway clearing his throat.

"Hawke... you've been... it has been an unreasonable amount of time. The abomination has been insisting we locate you. Are the two of you... nearly finished... talking of... things?" His ears were red and he refused to look at them which only caused the women to hoot in laughter before pulling apart.

"Elegant, We must be going. I have a bunch of bad men to murder. And a mine to check on because people can't send timely reports like good boys. Sorry Fenris, found that one out on the way over here it's just a quick check in. Though and we're going to have to search Sundermount for the Flint company anyway. Thank you for this by the way Elegant. You are a truly kind and wonderful friend and I do believe I shall take a confession for that which plagues my soul soon. In some manner." She dismissed the last with a gentle wave of her hand and strode out of the shop brushing so close to Fenris the slightest flinch on his part would have brought them into contact again. He set her nerves on fire and she thought of what Elegant had said. Could she tell Fenris all of her darkness? Could she tell him of her demons? Would he tell her of his? She rather looked forward to that day. If they could get past the mage thing it might just be absolutely lovely. "Are you coming Fenris? She turned in the doorway flashing him a smile that she didn't even try to subdue. "That is if your nearly finished listening in on... things."

* * *

 

DRAGONS! FUCKING DRAGONS! She was covered in the sweat of her exertions. Mercenaries, spiders, now a dragon. Maker save her from the insanity that came from simple jobs. She was trying to keep behind it, out of the way of the fire in its breath. Excellent plan, except for the tail. It came hard across her chest and she could hear someone scream her name. The world was going black and she felt completely weightless. Her last thought was that it sounded like Carver was losing his voice, he wasn't usually that raspy.

* * *

 

She came awake again to the sudden feeling of pain radiating through every limb and across her chest.

"Anders?" She croaked and tried to peek an eye but had her head pushed back down by a cold gauntlet. "Fenris... That's my face you have very pointy sharp fingers on. I may not be very pretty but I'd like to not scar what little beauty I have." His hand pulled back quickly but what she didn't expect was the clatter of his gauntlets hitting the ground before his hands returned to restraining her.

"You can't move. The abomination is trying to find a lyrium potion in the insanity you call a pack. Your bleeding inside and he's finally found a way to actually be useful. If you don't move you'll be fine. If you insist on moving I'll insist on restraining you." He wasn't even looking at her just holding her tightly by both shoulders keeping the fisted cloth of her robes between them, even his gaze turned to some distant spot on the wall. But there was a rigidness to him. A tightness in his muscles that belayed a tension far beyond waiting for a healer. She nearly sat up again before finding he was unrelenting in holding her.

"Wheres Carver?!" She screamed and began to struggle. "Where the VOID is Carver!!!" Panic was racing through her. Not Carver no... she couldn't lose him too!

"Hey quit screaming! I'm right here. I was checking side tunnels and making sure nothing else is going to drop out of the sky on our heads." Marian reached out for him letting slip a sob only half due to the physical pain of her injury. Carver came over and grabbed both her hands.

"It's your turn to try and die today. One a day that's the rule. They can try and off me tomorrow." He couldn't help but worry at her blind panic. He had made the Maker an offer for her life once. He would do it again. As many times as it took before she was assured a long and happy life.

"Found it! Hawke your packing is atrocious. How do you ever find your potions?" Anders came rushing over downing a lyrium potion quickly. The magic springing to his hands once more as he returned to healing.

"I keep them on my belt.... but I am not usually one to wet myself much less bathe in elfroot. So I'm guessing..." Marian winced as she could feel her organs moving back into place. "Oh... that did not belong there."

"Tell me about it." Anders said through gritted teeth. Marian clung to Carvers hands digging her fingers in hard enough she would leave ten little bruises in place of her touch. Fenris continued to hold her down and she was grateful for it. She needed something solid, and his hatred for her magic was solid.

Solid enough to resist the whispers. They promised delivery from the pain, safety from it ever happening again. The power to protect those she loved. The words on her lips were not those of acceptance. They were words her father had taught her years ago. "I am a child of the Maker. I will walk only in his light and your lies will only save my flesh. My Maker will save my soul and keep me to his side."

"What is she doing?" Growled Fenris.

"She's talking to her demons. It is a prayer our father taught us. All of us even if I would never have use of it. Again Marian. For we are children of the Maker. We will walk only in his light. Come on Marian, say it with me."

"She's out again. Thank the Maker for that. Nothing in here is where its supposed to be." Anders finished his healing some minutes later. Fenris scooped her up and they all headed back down. No one spoke of Fenris' outburst when she fell or the fact that Carver had nearly taken the things entire wing off in a rage. Not a one mentioned the tears that stained Anders cheeks, as in those first few moments he had left the others to deal with the beast on their own while he poured healing into her. They all cared for in their own ways and they would not mock the pain of the others. They simply carried her home and settled her into her own bed. Carver would tell Mother upon her return she had just had a long day, but he would never forget the way she had gone into the air carried by the sweep of that monsters tail. How she had landed broken and unmoving. So much like Bethany. He prayed once more. "Maker I beg you. Please. Take me not her. When you come again for a Hawke. Do not take Marian, I can't bear it, take me."


	16. A trip to the Market

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carver gets up the courage to go see Merrill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter not in the original idea I had to write it though after the amazing comment I was left about how much they loved him in my story. So this is for you. Carver is falling in love.

    Marian was still asleep when Carver slipped out. He had tried to get Payne to come but the stupid dog just huffed and threatened to pee on his boots before he had scooted his way out. He checked his hair one more time and fixed his shirt. 

    "She's just a girl, she doesn't bite. Wait... does she bite?" He shifted from foot to foot staring at the steps that led down to the Alienage. He should just go, just talk to her. Sure, she had only specifically invited his sister but she was lonely and he understood that. Kirkwall was not the best place to make friends. It was the hand on his shoulder that had him screaming like a little girl someone had just set on fire. He had seen two little girls set each other on fire enough times to know what it sounded like. 

    "Oh it's been a long time since anyone screamed for me. Want to try that again sometime, somewhere I can scream a little too?" Isabella pushed into him in an altogether too distracting way. "What are you doing out here Little Hawke? Isn't everything fun back the other way?"

    "I was just going to see Merrill. I uhh... I thought she could use an escort through the markets. I always did it for my sisters. It can be dangerous for a mage to feel cornered and unprotected and..." Carver trailed off as the laughter spread from Isabella's eyes to her lips and she all out laughed _at_ him _._  


  
"Isn't that sweet, the puppy is going to be a guard dog. Does she know I wonder? Does she have any idea what you're doing?" Isabella slid an arm around him and began walking forward dragging him with her into the courtyard of the Alienage. 

    "Marian is still sleeping after everything that happened in the Bone Pit. Dragon nearly took her out. She doesn't need me right now. She needs to sleep." Carver glared at Isabella. His sister didn't need to know what he was up to. She wasn't his keeper. He was his own man, he didn't need her approval to go talk to a mutual friend.

    "Oh no puppy, I only meant is Merrill aware you're trying to get into her little Dalish panties." Isabella knocked on Merrill's door before letting herself in leaving Carver with his mouth hanging open in the doorway.

    "Oh! The house is a mess, I'm so sorry! I was just trying to kill rats. They keep getting in and I was searching for all the holes. Oh Carver, is your sister out there too? Did she need my help with something? Let me just get my things." Merrill's bustling and running about never slowed much. She would just flit from one thing to the next and it almost made him dizzy.

    "Uh... No she's not here, I was here actually. To see you. To see if you needed anything. Anything I might be able to help with that's all. I didn't want you getting lost again. Or lonely. It's difficult to be alone here." He was making a mess of this. If only Isabella hadn't been there he wouldn't be so nervous. He wouldn't be putting his foot in his mouth every time he opened it.

    "Oh, that's a lovely thought. I do get a little lonely here sometimes. It's so easy to get lost here." There was a sadness in her eyes that cut Carver to his very core and for a moment he forgot about Isabella and reached out for her hand.

    "Don't worry, I would come find you. I will always come find you." He smiled and she smiled back. It was a little thing but his heart began to flutter in his chest, up until Isabella spoke.

    "Carver wanted to take us to the market. To defend the pretty young things from all the danger lurking around the armor stalls and behind the food vendors." Isabella was smiling wickedly perched on the edge of Merrill's table. 

    "Oh that's kind of you but I think out of the two of us you're more likely to get hurt. You've got such a big sword and I don't look like much of a threat so they mostly leave me alone. I think, unless they leave me alone because they don't like me. It might be that too." Merrill's brow creased in thought and Carver suddenly felt a need to be as far away as he could get. He started backing toward the door but Isabella wouldn't let him go without one more shot over his bow.

    "You know Merrill, I bet Carver would let you see his weapon sometime. To see if there was anything you could do about it being too big around you." Isabella was laughing _at_ him _again._

    Without another word Carver fled from the house and didn't stop until he was up the steps and around the corner where he pressed his forehead against  the cool stone. "Stupid stupid stupid!" He slammed his head into the wall and took a deep breath preparing to head back to the house in shame when a soft voice came from behind him.

    "That looks like it hurts? Does that hurt or do humans have less sensitive heads over all and not just ears?" Merrill had followed him. He turned slowly trying to think of something anything to stammer out. "I don't like it either when Isabella laughs like that. She makes me feel like I missed something dirty and then won't explain it. I don't like it." She put a hand gently on his arm. "Would you like to go to the market? Your sister keeps telling me I should get out of the house more. It would be nice to go with a friend. I mean if we're friends? Are we friends or was that too forward to assume? I'm babbling again I'll just shut up and go home." 

    Carver couldn't help it he lunged after her and grabbed her arm. He couldn't let her leave, he finally had a moment to talk to her alone. "Uh... No... We're friends. That is, I'd like to be friends. I'd like to be your friend especially. I'd also like to take you out... to the market. Or anywhere else you'd like to go. I'd like to do things with you. If you want." Her smile was enough to banish the lingering doubts that had been plaguing him. As he looked at her face light up he could have sworn there was no better sight in the world than her bright eyes and smiling face, and he wanted to make her do it again.

    "Well let's go to the market then. There's always so much to see it's strange how much it changes and how fast. Every time I go back it's different." The two walked through the Lowtown markets for a while in amicable silence, broken up every now and then by her exclamations over how pretty or interesting something was. He steered her out of the way of Templars and Guards who did not look kindly. 

    After about an hour of wandering he jumped when something touched his hand. Merrill stammered her apologies. "Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to I just saw everyone else doing it. I thought that's what you were supposed to do in the market. I was just trying to fit in."

    Carver smiled and reached for her hand again grasping it gently. "No it's fine, I'd like to hold your hand actually. I just didn't think... you would want to. It's kind of for people who like each other. But I do like you Merrill. I really like you, a lot." He smiled and she smiled back and everything was perfect for a few minutes. Then his sister showed up.

    "Carver there you are!" He could have died as Merrill dragged him over never letting him drop her hand.

    "Carver was just taking me through the market to make sure I didn't get lost! We've been looking at all the lovely things you always run right past. It's been very nice." Merrill's smile never faded but he could see Varric's eyes on their joined hands. Thankfully the only other one with her was Fenris and he simply ignored him.

    "Well the two of you take care. If you're busy I'll go see Aveline, we're just going after an escaped criminal for a Magistrate. Exactly the sort of thing she loves you know. You two have fun!" She hugged Merrill gently and passed Carver something on the sly whispering in his ear. "Buy her something pretty." And they were gone and that was that. Marian knew, Marian knew and not only didn't care she was being uncharacteristically supportive. 

    He watched her go and then saw that Templar she'd been flirting with start after her. "Merrill I need you to wait here for just one minute. Please, I have to, I've got to do something. I'll be right back." With that he strode off and stepped in front of the Templar. "Knight Captain, I have a question I hope you can answer!" He held him up as long as he could to give Marian a head start, avoidance was always the best policy for dealing with Templars, but Merrill was already long gone when he finished. He turned and looked again at the table she had kept coming back to over and over during their trip. He picked out a small carved wooden bird and paid for it with the coin Marian had given him. It wasn't much but it was a start. He would get her a thousand such things once they made it back from the deep roads. He'd had a lifetime of looking out for mages, what was one more. So with a silly grin on his face he went back to Gamlen's house. He'd hold onto it for now until he found the right moment. He had all the time in the world and if today was any indication he would really like spending that time getting to know her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was told I am evil. I accept this. I am sorry.


	17. Confession has gone to the Dogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Hawke kills an unarmed man in the ruins on the Wounded Coast she doesn't handle it well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Sebastian love even if its still a bit off before things heat up with them.

 

 

    It was a solemn procession that made its way into the Hanged Man. Hawke had refused to take any gold from Lia's father and no one had blamed her. Aveline and Fenris didn't seem overly bothered by the incident but Hawke was staring at something far beyond the moment, following where she would usually lead. Payne stayed close at her side guiding her with gentle pushes against her legs to keep her from stumbling or walking into any thing. She was aware of people passing on the street calling their hellos and peddling their wares. She could find no words to answer them and silently the five of them slid into the Hanged Man. Hawke and Varric made their way directly up to his suite while Aveline slid Norah enough coin to have the drinks keep coming.

    Aveline was holding it together better than the others. She was a soldier and with that came the ability to shuffle things away. Like the image of Hawke sliding a dagger into a mad man, or the fact that she just switched off somewhere inside afterwards. It wasn't just a piece of her that shut down, all of her seemed to go. She had only spoken three words since then. 'Keep your money' to that poor man whose daughter was taken. Elf or not he deserved justice and Hawke gave him that knowing she would get nothing out of it. No gold no fame and no thanks from anyone that mattered. She was proud of her and worried at the same time. Slowly Aveline climbed the stairs to Varric's rooms and took a seat at the large table.

    Isabella was already up there peppering them with questions. "So what happened? Anything fun?"

    "Not now Ravini. How about you tell us a story about sailing?" At Varric's suggestion Isabella complied launching into a tale of piracy and adventure letting them lose themselves in it. She couldn't help but notice that as the drink's began Hawke never got below half a mug before it was refilled or swapped with a full one when she wasn't looking at it. Either her friend was too lost to realize or she herself was intent on getting completely smashed. It was over an hour before she finally spoke.

    "Fenris," She looked up at him and stared him down with an intensity the others thought she had lost.

    "Yes Hawke?" He raised a single eyebrow.

    "Can we agree that you don't have to be a mage to be a fucking monster?" Her voice was tired Varric noticed. Not angry or sad not unsteady, that would belay the amount of ale she had drank. She just sounded tired and he had to wonder if there was more to what was going on with her.

    "Monsters come in all forms Hawke, but the power Mages wield make them more susceptible to such things. They are more likely to fall to such darkness and need to be watched because of it." His expression never faltered and the others at the table cursed him for not holding his tongue as Hawke stood and walked to the wash basin scrubbing her hands clean of the dried blood on them.

    "So says the man who tears the still beating hearts out of people he doesn't like." She spun on her heel then and stalked out surprisingly steady and unsurprisingly furious.

    "Broody, Anyone ever teach you sometimes its best to just shut the fuck up?" Varric offered. "Now your off the tab. Pay for your own drinks."

* * *

 

    Hawke stalked through the streets not entirely sure of where she was going. She had been lost in her own thoughts since they had left the wounded coast and she was too wound up to head home. She couldn't go home yet and face the questions. There was no one left to stand between her and the answers she didn't want to give. Payne trotted beside her but before long the darkness was setting in fully and gangs were starting to make the streets uncomfortable to roam. Payne was still at her side but it wasn't ideal to get caught with just the two of them. She made her way to the Chantry thinking she could just wait the night out there. Mother didn't even question her long absences at night anymore.

    She must have paced back and forth for the better part of half an hour before the doors cracked open and someone stood in them staring at her. She couldn't bring herself to look at them they would see what she had done on her face. They would know her as the monster she knew herself to be. The figure in the doorway didn't move and after a few moments she was forced to turn and look. There he was, Sebastian Fucking Vael, petting her Mabari like he was a puppy.

    "Well if your cold you should come in I think. We don't have anyone inside to be offended by your presence. The Chantry is deserted at this hour. I'll even hear your confession if you like. Or I can just help you light a candle. It's difficult without hands." Marian stared in bafflement as he ushered Payne in as the invitation was apparently directed at him. Sebastian stood in the doorway a moment longer. "Mistress Hawke you're welcome to come in and keep an eye on him if you like. We are all children of the Maker but I understand if you rather he not be out of your sight." He had been watching her pacing out there for some time. There was blood on the cuffs of her jacket and dried into the creases of her fingers. Another splatter went across her chin and down her neck. She had been wearing a line in the tiles with her worrying. She had been the one to take down the Flint Company and give him some peace. The least he could do was offer her the same when she came so clearly bothered and needing the Maker's comfort.

    "I had better. He's never been in the Chantry before." Hawke followed him in and watched as he led Payne to the front and spoke quietly with him before the statue of Andraste. It was low enough that she couldn't make it out but confessions were supposed to be private after all. It made her relax just a bit as she found herself standing before a bank of candles. Perhaps she should light one for Father, and for Bethany. It had been a while since she had made the time. She knew mother came weekly for them but it wasn't the same as doing it yourself. She watched as Sebastian led Payne to another grouping.

    "How many do we need to light for your prayers. One? Two? Three?" There was a bark at the last and he nodded pulling the taper out he began to light them in turn.

    Marian could not help the lump in her chest. He didn't even remember them and here he was lighting candles for Payne like he was any other parishioner. Something in side of her welled up making her legs buckle until she was gasping for breath crumpled on the floor. Sebastian came rushing over and pulled her to her feet silently leading her up into the pews.

    "I'm a murderer." She whispered as he guided her to sit. "I killed him and he didn't have a weapon. He wasn't immediately threatening anyone. He was just standing there. I tried to make it quick. I found his heart." She moved her hand onto Sebastian's chest reliving the memory and found his heartbeat just as she had done earlier that day. "I found it to make sure I didn't miss. Then I stabbed him. Right between the ribs and he went down. There was so much blood. Maker, I murdered him. I had been asked to rescue him and I killed him so it would finally stop."

    "Mistress Hawke, a murderer would not be here to confess what they have done. Did you truly kill him without reason? What were you trying to stop?" Her hand was warm on his chest over his heart. It had been a long time since a woman had sat so close and vulnerable to him whispering in the dark, but this time it was different. She was his penitent and he her confessor. A sacred duty that was so removed from the sins of his past that he felt like a father offering comfort to a wounded child.

    "He was beating and killing little girls." She whispered. "He was kidnapping elven girls and beating them to death. He thought it was demons forcing him but it was just his own madness eating away at his mind. He had even gone to the Circle and they turned him away. They did nothing because his father is a Magistrate. He was going to keep doing it. He asked me to kill him but... I've never killed anyone that wasn't fighting before. I've never just killed someone standing there without weapons or threat. I found his heart and I shoved a knife in and let him bleed all over my hands. It was like the Maker was marking me as a killer." She just sat there waiting. Waiting for him to pass judgement and tell her she was dammed, or to scramble away lest her sins corrupt his piety, but he didn't move. He simply sat there and let her talk. Let her confess what she had done to Kelder.

    "Mistress Hawke you washed him of his sins.Did not Andraste slay Magisters who had sinned against the Maker who held no arms. We must take up arms to defend those who cannot defend themselves. It is our duty as the strong to defend the weak when they canna defend themselves. And it is their right to be defended. You are no murderer Hawke. What he did was murder. What you did was justice. It only becomes murder when it is something you do for yourself and you stop being bothered by it." He was surprised when she laughed, short and bitter.

    "If it's their right to be defended why isn't anyone defending? Why are they suffering? Who will save them?" She finally looked up from where she was staring at her hand blood still under the nails against his heart, thinking how easy it had been in the moment. A boot knife for cleaning and eating was suddenly a tool of death. She stared into his endless eyes the same eyes from so many years ago. They were less empty now, full of so many things. Where before they threatened to swallow her, now they reflected a life and a wisdom she needed to lean on if only for a moment.

    "Because you are not defending them. We are not allowed to see the problems of the world and then stand aside. The Maker sent the Magistrate to you because he knew you would not ignore the suffering he had caused. That you would have the strength to end the pain he caused. The Maker has never given you more than you were capable of setting right. He never will." He had hoped to find words from the Chant. From the teachings of the Clerics or the Divines, but what had ended up coming forth was advice his own grandfather had offered him when he was just a boy scared of his duty as a prince. Perhaps she would listen where he had not. Perhaps she would not use that fear to waste her life as he had.

    Hawke nodded and took a deep breath, in for a copper in for a sovereign. "Thank you Brother Sebastian. A friend of mine said confession would help me clear things up. But she was talking about something else at the time, I fear I have a growing attraction to someone who..." She trailed off and sighed searching his face for any sign she should stop before going on. "Someone whose duty and vows mean he could never care for me in turn. It would be betraying everything he believed in."

    Sebastian turned a lovely shade of red and turned toward the pulpit before he answered. "Don't think I'm not flattered Hawke I am... But I am a brother of the faith..." He was interrupted when her laughter rang out. It wasn't bitter and angry as before, but true and honest, echoing off the empty walls and possibly waking some of the others long since gone to bed.

    "Oh maker! Oh maker no!" She laughed again a smile breaking across her face. "You're not that good. He's a Templar. I'm from Ferelden and it just started as us speaking of home and then it was more. I just, I don't want to ask him to betray himself for me."

    "That's much simpler. I'm sorry to have assumed. Uh... Templars take no vows of chastity. They are free to marry as they chose or even leave the order at any time. If he cares for you in turn there is no betrayal. Perhaps you should ask him before deciding for him, what is a betrayal and what is not." Marian nodded, maybe, just maybe he did remember her. She could understand how it would be uncomfortable from his end.

    "Thank you Brother Sebastian." She stood and patted her leg just once and the Mabari who had been sniffing around came immediately and obediently to her side pushing his head up under her palm. The beast almost seemed to be smiling.

    He had thought at first he was just using the dog to get the woman more comfortable, but began to wonder if there was more to the entire exchange they had shared. He wondered if the maker had truly heard the dogs confession and hoped he would forgive such a noble beast. "I named him Payne by the way. Just in case you were wondering. And the next time he comes through to get you to hear his confession I want you to know you asked for it." She turned and began to walk out. He could hear her talking to him, "Ok so one for daddy right?" A small bark answered her. "And one for Bethany?" Another bark. "But who was the last one for?" There were two barks just as she reached the doors. "You little shit! You didn't need to light me a candle! I'm fine!" A small growl. "Ok so I'm fine now." The dog yipped and seemed to hop slightly as Sebastian looked on in wonderment. "Well thank you all the same."

    The pair stepped out into the night and he shook his head. When he had met her the other day he had not thought of her as much more than the woman who had avenged his family and perhaps stared at him just a bit too long. He had never thought she might be anything more than another mercenary soul. But her pain and her confession had changed something in his mind. Perhaps all it took was one soul to stand up. Did not Andraste stand against the might of the Imperium and save the world. Perhaps the Maker had started to forgive. Perhaps he was sending them heroes once more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are amazing. This is to thank SammyGrayson for the beautifully inspiring comments that made me push my beta to read this tonight instead of tomorrow afternoon. Next chapter is well on its way. I want to thank all of you for over 300 hits 13 Kudos and SO many kind comments.


	18. Storms Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A storm breaks on the horizon and Marian seeks a new kind of confession. Also, Cullen is an old fashioned moron and Fenris is a creeper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best. Just saying.

    The night air was electric around her. She felt at peace for the first time in a long time. When she stepped down into the courtyard the first drops of rain fell and she looked up to see the clouds dark and heavy above them, she smiled. "Go on home Payne. In a few minutes no one is going to be in the streets. I'm going to the coast to let off some steam." 

    Payne whined trying to argue with her. He didn't want to leave her alone, she had been so sad recently. It had been a good idea to let her talk to the Best Boy. He made her feel better. Payne knew it could not have gone any other way. He smelled like good people. But now she was sending him away and he didn't want to go.

    "I'm fine I promise. Besides you hate the rain. Remember how much mother hates it when you come in soaking and have to dry. If you go home now you might be able to talk her into giving you my cold dinner. Now go... I'm about to go try and set the coastline on fire in the rain." She gave Payne a gentle shove and watched as he ran full speed into the night heading home. Marian turned towards the gates of the city. Confession may have made her feel better, but with another giant storm rolling in off the Waking Sea her magic was going to start flaring. Storms always made her restless. In Ferelden she could simply run in the open fields and let it all out, but there simply wasn't enough room here. The rains came heavier in Kirkwall and the power within them was potent.

* * *

    The storm was pelting down hard. Harder than any other she had weathered in her time in Kirkwall. It slammed into her like a thousand little hammer strikes and she just let it come. It felt like some sort of punishment for all her transgressions. If Sebastian was right the Maker would deliver her when he was ready. For now it was enough to let the storm beat against her and let her magic flow out. She called down waves of lighting and walls of flame. She pushed back against the wind with the same force it used to try and throw her into the sea. She laughed and screamed. She called her apologies to those she had lost, and begged forgiveness from those she had taken. She shouted into the winds until she was horse. It was something she needed, to just let go of being the responsible one. To just be free, if only for a time. She heard a noise behind her that made her spin and a bolt of lightning glinted off shiny silver armor. Marian quickly scrambled down hiding behind a rock waiting and watching. Two Templars came into view. They were hunched against the winds and rain but still pushed on along the path.

    "I'm telling you Turner, Knight Captain had to have turned back. Either that or he's been washed out to sea!" They were yelling just to hear each other over the winds and the rains. 

    The second Templar, Turner, turned to him shaking his head. "We can push on just a bit further! If we lose him to a dammed storm we'll get Alrik as Knight Captain next. I'd rather serve at the White Spire. Come on, just a bit further up there's a path back to the city than we can head back!"

    Marian was gasping for breath trying to find a reason they couldn't sense her there. She had just been casting... unless they felt it like she did. The magic in the rain that filled her to bursting when she was in it. Did it muddle the senses of the Templars too? Could they not tell her from the very force of nature that pounded down around them? This was something she was going to have to keep in mind for later, but all the same it was best if she got out of the rains for now. She had no way of knowing how many more were out searching the beaches. She wasn't that far from the ruins and she had just cleared them out earlier that day. She would be safe enough at least until the Templars passed. After that it was best to get home no matter how badly she wanted to crawl out of her skin. 

    It felt much farther than it actually was to cross the slippery rocks and sliding sands while beset by the rains and winds. She should have been watching the path but instead kept turning her face up into the pelting storm to let it beat down upon her. Once she got into the ruins she could wrap herself in flames to dry herself off. For now, she just wanted to feel the storm a moment more. It rained less often here than it did in back Ferelden, but when it did it was fierce and unrelenting. It washed the city streets clean and for a few short days even Darktown was fresh and pleasant. 

    She screamed when strong arms wrapped around her from behind and pulled her backwards. She spun on her heel within the grasp to see her attacker. She readied herself against whomever had pulled her into the ruins. She was glad her father had drilled prudence over action into her, when she found herself face to face with Knight Captain Cullen. Worry was etched deeply across his face as he pushed her hair out of her eyes and checked the temperature of her cheeks with the back of his hands. 

    "Void take it Marian! What are you doing out here? It's coming down in buckets! You're going to catch your death of cold! I've got a small fire started in here, come on. It seems safe enough for now but I haven't explored very far, that's never a good idea around here. You're soaked to the bone! How long have you been out there? Where are your friends? Did they get lost? Did you get lost? Dammit Marian say something? Are you ok?"

    "Your smaller without your armor." She said stupidly. She was really going to have to give some thought to this making things happen by thinking about them too much.

    "You're freezing! Where are your friends Marian?" Cullen pulled her over next to the fire.

    "They didn't come with me. I just... I wanted to see the storm." His hands were warm and gentle as he tried to make her comfortable, but the soaking wet robes were clinging too badly for her to even be able to sit down without nearly falling. 

    "We've got to get you out of these wet things. Can you get them off? We can lay them out and dry them by the fire. I... here. This is dry by now. Well dryer than your things. " He pulled off his shirt leaving himself bare chested causing Hawke's breath to catch in her throat. "I can turn around or... step down a way. I don't know what might be lurking in here so I dare not go too far."

    "Cullen?" Her voice was so soft his name came out in a timid question that made him falter. "Are you really here? Please tell me I didn't die out there and this is just the void trying to tear my mind into a thousand pieces." She reached out and touched his jaw gingerly. He'd never had stubble in her dreams, he was always shaved perfectly clean, he was always perfect in those tormented dreams. He told her her magic didn't matter. He promised to protect her. He'd also never offered to leave if she was going to get undressed. But this was too beautiful to be real. 

    "Marian your freezing and, Maker forgive me, I think your in shock and you need to get out of those wet things. I'm going to help if that's ok?" He began to undo the buckles and awkwardly struggled to find the buttons and clasps. It wasn't until he had gotten to her waist that he found he had forgotten to unwind the scarf from around her. In his dreams it all just fell away. Her hands joined his trying to get the knot untied but her hands were numb and clumsy and their fingers tangled together. He ducked his head to hide his blush. 

    Marian wanted to resist. Something in the back of her mind was screaming that this was a bad idea, but she couldn't help it. She tilted her head up and caught his lips with her own. He paused a moment before kissing her back, timidly at first before growing bolder. There was none of the terrible hunger from her dreams just the rasp of his stubble against her face as she slid her hands around his neck and pulled him into her. His hands were still working on the wrap around her waist and finally it fell away. 

    He pulled away for a moment. Her skin was like ice against him, and while his body was screaming at him not to stop he had to. He had to be sure. He couldn't handle it if this was a dream. If this was the demons in his mind again they had found new lows to sink to in tearing at him. 

    "Cullen... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I just..." The hurt tone in her voice nearly undid him as he reached for her again pushing her outer layers off her shoulders as his mouth claimed hers again. She was freezing and shivering. He was getting soaked from where her wet clothes were pressed to him before they fell away layer by layer. They nearly fell over when she was trying to get her boots off and the two dissolved into a fit of laughter peppered with kisses. When she finally freed him of his belt she tossed it to the side. A moment later they had to pull apart to rescue it from the fire when they smelled burning leather. It did nothing to cool their passions as they tried to find a comfortable position against the cold hard stone. One thing after another went wrong until they were left clinging to each other, shaking and panting in want as they found a way. Both sitting up her legs wrapped tightly around his waist as they joined and rocked gently into each other in a slow but intense rhythm beside the fire. 

    "Oh Cullen... Oh Maker Cullen..." She whimpered his name over and over again leaving long scratches over his back and shoulders. 

    Cullen on the other hand was keeping an iron grip on his will she was so beautiful and so perfect he couldn't believe she was really here with him. He never wanted this to end. Some small part of him was thankful for the Desire Demons torments. They had left him savoring every desperate touch here, made this moment in the depths of the ruins where he was sure something terrible was going to descend on them at any time absolutely perfect beyond imagining. It had turned awkward and fumbling touches into passion that burned brighter than a bonfire. 

* * *

    Meanwhile Fenris had been feeling like an absolute ass. He'd been more bothered than he let on by the things Kelder had been allowed to get away with simply because his father was in a position of power. He hadn't meant to upset her so badly and after several hours pacing in his mansion berating himself for acting the ass. He ventured out into the rains intent on heading to her home to apologize, he owed her that much. She didn't deserve his ire.  But he did not find what he thought he would when he got there.

    "I'm sorry Master Fenris. Marian hasn't been home since this morning." Leandra said gently but her lack of concern had him worried.

    "Payne is here." He growled, like his presence without her should have meant something. How could she be so calm when Marian was missing and without her Mabari?

    "He came back a few hours ago. If he's not worried that means he knows where she went and she'll be ok. Have you checked at the tavern where you like to drink? Perhaps she's there?" Leandra's calm was starting to grate on him. 

    "I'll look there then, thank you. Payne, are you coming? It's too late for her to walk home from there alone." The Mabari gave a short sharp bark and the two stepped out into the rainy night. "Payne, I need you to help me find her. Do you know where she went? Can you find her?" He gave a bark, happy to be going to find his Marian again. He took off through the streets with a speed that forced Fenris to run to keep up. 

    Some time later he was following the Mabari as it ran back and forth up the Wounded Coast nose to the ground following her scent. He could not fathom for the life of him what she was doing out here in this storm, it was suicidal. A pang of regret raced through his chest at the thought his careless words while she was so clearly unsettled had pushed her to this. He would do anything he could to apologize if she would only let him, once he found her. Alive and well, he wouldn't allow himself to entertain anything else. He steped slowed as they approached the ruins. She wouldn't have gone back there this soon, would she? He stepped just beyond the edge of the enterance and heard the unmistakeable sounds of two people locked into an amorous embrace. Payne for his part, had laid down just out of the rain his job done and unwilling to interrupt. 

    Fenris slid just far enough around the corner to be sure. That's when he saw them. She had her legs wrapped around him and whimpered the Templars name against his lips between deep kisses. He stood frozen just long enough to watch her shatter in ecstasy around him. Fenris backed out slowly. There was a cave not far away. He had spotted it that morning when they passed. He could wait out the storm, the last thing he wanted right now was to be found intruding on her in such a moment. He slid out and beckoned Payne to follow who promptly complied. She would never know they had been there.

* * *

    When the lovers finally separated Cullen had a moment of panic when he saw the blood. "You were a... I mean I never thought poorly of you but, I would have tried to do something special if I had known. I mean..." She silenced him with a hand over his mouth.

    "It was special. It was perfect. I've been having a really terrible time of it today but this was... perfect. You were perfect." She slipped on nothing more than the shirt he had offered her earlier. Seeing her in his clothes did something to him deep in his chest like she was making herself home in his heart. He reached over and stoked the fire moving a few more bits of the fuel he had gathered into it. The two settled into each other, her cradled in his arms, her back to his front.

    "I'd like to begin courting you." He said softly against her hair. "Not because of this... well this certainly made it clear you wouldn't be against it. But properly, you know." She smiled softly. It was almost funny. She was positive her mother would catch a case of the vapors if he came by and announced his intention to court an apostate. 

    "You want to jump right into marrying me? I thought there were steps in between. Like meeting my family properly. Getting into our first fight. Learning you snore and I can't cook. Finding out I'm not some insane killer on the loose wanted across half of Thedas." She laughed as he rubbed her arms feeling the silent chuckle rising up in his chest. 

    "We'll have plenty of time to find that out. I'd like for you to come by the circle as soon as you can. If you're... I mean if we... if there's a child to come of this I'd like to make sure no one has a chance to say anything. The mages can see that sort of thing almost immediately and we have some fine healers. Besides I worry about you. There's so much going on. There are reports of an Apostate in the Alienage and another in Darktown whose proving to be slippery. We think the residents are protecting him. I'm worried about you out there by yourself. I want to be able to protect you from such things." He could feel her stiffen in his arms.

    "I knew an apostate in Ferelden. They can be good honest people. He just wanted the freedom to love the woman he risked everything for." She sat up and pulled away from him slightly and he tried to gather her back. 

    "Marian that's very rarely the case. They can be dangerous without proper training. I'm not trying to make you do anything you don't want to. I just... I want you to be safe. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you." She stood up then pulling out of his arms gathering bits of her clothing as she went yanking her pants and boots back on holding the rest. 

    "I don't need you to take care of me Knight Captain. Do you have any idea why your not dead sitting in here like a fucking moron! Because just this morning my little friends and I including the future captain of the guard killed every fucking thing in here. Along with a baby raping asshole that had just been allowed to walk free again and again to kill more girls." Her jaw was set in a tight line and her limbs were shaking. She should have listened to that stupid voice she thought bitterly, this had been a terrible idea. 

    He started pulling on his own trousers talking quickly trying to make it better but only succeeding in making it worse. "Marian please. Just talk to me for a minute. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply you weren't capable of taking care of yourself. But I was trapped in the Ferelden Circle when blood mages took it over. I know better than anyone what mages are capable of." She went completely still and he came up behind her placing hands gently on her arms, hoping he had finally gotten through to her. "Please Marian just stay until the storm passes. We can talk and we can work this out." He was not prepared to be shoved back quite so hard. 

    "You have no fucking idea what your talking about. He was a fucking good man. You could only hope to be HALF the person he was! I've got to go, this was a mistake." Without anything further she ran out into the pouring rain and wearing nothing but his unlaced trousers he ran after her.

    He caught up with her twenty paces away and grabbed her arm shouting to be heard over the storm. "Marian I'm sorry. I'm sorry you loved him, and I'm sorry it went badly, but honestly it's for the best. Apostates are dangerous or they wouldn't run from the safety of the Circle. One nearly killed the Arl of Redcliffe during the Blight. Just please come back it's not safe out here."

    "No that's where your wrong. It's not safe in there. And you have no idea what your talking about." He wasn't prepared for her fist to connect squarely with his face. He let go of her as his hand flew up to his nose. Not broken thank the Maker. It took a moment for his eyes to clear and when he went to go after her again his path was blocked by the white haired elf she traveled with and Marian was nowhere in sight. The man was positively terrifying as a blue light radiated from the markings on his skin. Apparently they were more than decorative.

    "Go back and wait out the storm Templar, the ruins are safe enough, Hawke saw to that already. But if you take one more step." The elf's hand moved to the handle of his great sword and loosened it from the scabbard on his back. "The coast will not be safe. On a night like tonight a thousand terrible things could befall you and they would never find your body. Turn... around." His voice was a low growl and the threat clear. He was unarmed and unarmored. He would just go see Marian tomorrow at her home. He was certain they could work this out. Even if they couldn't he would wait and watch. If she was carrying his child she had to let him see it. Then maybe in time she could forgive him. 

* * *

    Fenris had been staring into the rain trying not to think about the sharp pain in his chest and what it meant. That's when Hawke ran out of the ruins her face twisted in something half between sadness and rage, and carrying almost all her clothes. Suddenly it no longer mattered. If the Templar had hurt her he would end him. But the Templar came running after barely dressed himself. He tried not to listen to the fight but couldn't turn his ears off. She struck him and began to run again, once she was past the cave he sent Payne after his mistress. Fenris stepped out to block the man's path as soon as he was sure Marian would not see his movements. After speaking his peace and making sure the Templar was not going to pursue he began to head back to his mansion. He could apologize later. She had been plagued enough for one night and he felt the best thing was to leave her to sort her feelings out on her own. That way she would never know how much he had seen and heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ser Turner was borrowed from Summer Rain by Dramatological. One of my FAVORITE fics on here... Read that shit http://archiveofourown.org/works/3440570/chapters/7542584


	19. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two lovers scramble to set things right after a night of passion. Unfortunately they seem to have different ideas about what the right path is.

 

    Marian ran, anger and desire burning equally in her heart. She didn't even slow until she was almost back to Gamlen's house. The storm had calmed to little more than a light sprinkling by the time she stood outside the door and the first rays of morning light were slipping over the horizon. She snuck into the room she shared with Carver, and left her robes in a pile on the floor. They would need to be laundered before they were fit to be worn again. She went to remove Cullen's shirt and his smell flooded her senses. His touch and his tender words, his sincerity and his honest intention plagued her thoughts.

    She had no idea how long she had been curled on the floor gasping for breath, when Carver picked her up and carried her into the bottom bunk that was usually his. He shoved in next to her and when Payne crawled on top of him it felt like they were kids again, piled three to a bunk.

    "Aveline told me about what happened with the magistrate's son. Are you going to be ok?" It was like the last 15 years never happened and all the anger that had once pushed them apart was completely gone. She could only shake her head and let Carver talk since she couldn't find a voice yet. "Fenris was here earlier looking for you. I don't think Mother likes him much. Then again Mother has her reasons."

    "I want to cut it out Carver." She said, her voice so strained it made the worry that had died, when he woke to find her in their room flare up again.

    "Cut what out Mar?"

    "The Magic. Maker why does it ruin everything!" Carver was frozen in that moment. Marian had always been a staunch defender of her magic. He had always been the one to blame magic for their problems, but to hear it from her was startling, and he wondered if he sounded like that. Blaming something beyond control for their problems because it was easy.

    "We all have talent's Mar. Could you imagine you in armor trying to swing a sword, or worse daggers. You'd take an arm off. You're an amazing mage, and denying that is worse than anything Magic could do to you." He was desperately trying to find the right words anything to bring back the bright smiling girl who made a joke out of everything. He settled for changing the subject. "I found this beautiful carved bird for Merrill today. I think she'll like it. I'm saving it for a special occasion. I used the rest of the money to get Mother some new slippers and a baking pan for the fire. The trader says it's almost like having an oven."

    "I slept with Cullen." Her voice was so quiet, as she whispered into the pillow, that he wasn't sure he heard her right at first.

    "I'm sorry, what was that?"

    Marian slid back out of the bed and began pacing around the room, pushing her hands through her hair. For the first time he realized he had no idea where that shirt came from. It wasn't one of his. "I slept with Cullen. I went down to the coast in the storm, I had to get everything out after..." She waved her hands wildly to try and encompass the entire shitty day. "I was all worked up and there were Templars so I went to go hide in the ruins till they were gone but Cullen was already there. Everything was so.... GAH! You know Bethany used to get all twitchy in big storms too. But he was there and I kissed him and he kissed me back and then it was just... well... it happened. Then he was all like..." She spun to face him her eyes wild and frightening as she stared at him. "Let's get married! There are dangerous apostates and I want to protect you! And I lost it! Fuck Carver! What in the void have I done." She sat hard onto the floor then, collapsing into a heap. Her brother just stared at her a minute.

    "Um... Maybe... we should talk to Varric. I'm sure he's got more than a few ideas. But first maybe you should get some sleep. I'll go make you some tea." Marian nodded and allowed Carver to help her into her bed before he stepped into the main room and began preparing the tea.

    Leandra came in a moment later and smiled wearily watching him putter. "Making an early start of it I see." Carver came over and kissed her forehead. "Marian's back. She got in early this morning. I talked her into getting some sleep but she's been running herself so ragged, I'm making tea just to knock her out. She was at the potion makers house. Went over for dinner and stayed because of the rains. But they were up most of the night."

    "Do you want to bring her some breakfast?" Leandra smiled gently. Whatever it was Marian had been up to last night warranted her children lying to her. She knew they were doing it to stop her from worrying, but sometimes it seemed they forgot how much lying to her own parents she had done and she knew what it looked like.

    "I'm just going to get her some tea then I've got some things to do. The Expedition is almost ready to head out, but we've got to get a few more things in line. Things I can do just as easily as Marian. But can you put something together I can take with me and eat? Thanks Mother you're the best."

    Carver slid into the room with Marian's tea and Leandra wondered if he knew the tea was what gave him away. Mrs. Valen had been visibly strained when she came by to speak to her son yesterday afternoon. If Marian had been there she had gone out of the city to release her magics. Storms always tended to make mages caught in them a bit erratic. But whatever it was that had transpired had caused her children to lie to her. Perhaps Kirkwall was a bad idea. But her brother Gamlen was all they had left in this world in the way of family, and she was unwilling to let him go. It had been so nice to have him back. Brothers and sisters shared a bond that could not be broken no matter how much pressure was placed on it. They could fight but they would always have each other. She needed Gamlen as much as her own children needed each other these days. Perhaps they were right and when they got back from the Deep Roads everything would be better.

    Carver came back with a bright smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, and took the bits of food she had wrapped up for him, kissed her one last time and headed out. Leandra peeked in on Marian to make sure she was asleep before settling in to begin another letter to the Viscount about the old estate. Surely the rightful line had to be preferable to letting slavers move back in to Hightown once more. Such a thing did not have a place in that part of town.

* * *

    Within the hour Carver was in Varric's room explaining the situation Marian had found herself in. Varric wrote impossible situations with inventive solutions for a living, surely he had to have an idea of how to get her out of this. At the very least he could find a way to create rumors that would send the Knight Captain running of his own accord. Varric for his part just listened to everything in silence.

 

    "I swear Junior I couldn't make up half the shit your sister gets herself into. Alright, how about we start the rumor she's having his baby! A poor girl caught in impossible odds! By the time the baby's due people will have forgotten all about it, but he'll be putting in for a transfer so fast your head will spin." Varric's grin made it clear he thought he was onto something.

    "No good. Apparently just because they slept together he proposed. I mean the man is a fucking walking Chant! He'd probably toss her into the Circle or have her made tranquil for being an apostate AFTER they got married!" Carver stared into the fire. He hoped Varric would have had better ideas. But his back stiffened when he heard Isabella behind him.

    "Ohhhh whose getting married? I love weddings. Everyone confuses sex and love and you can fuck half the wedding party with no effort." Her grin was wide and easy like this was a simple silly thing.

    "Hawke and the Knight Captain. Apparently they got down last night and he proposed right after." Varric, by Carver's estimation, was not taking this seriously enough either.

    "Nice, I haven't heard that one yet. You're getting soft. I thought that little rumor would have spread like a ships rum stores on fire." Isabella slid into a chair and began checking the empty mugs scattered on the table for anything left from last night.

    "It's not a rumor, well not yet. Hawke slept with him last night and he proposed right after. Now we're trying to find a way to put an end to it. Before he gets all trigger happy with the Tranquility brand." Varric handed her a bottle from under the table which Isabella happily accepted.

    "Oh you're over thinking it. He's only courting her because its all secret. Let it hit the open. Meridith will put an end to it calling it a distraction and then our poor Hawke is free. Free as the bird whose name you crazy kids borrowed." Isabella's grin was both wicked and far too sure. This was a terrible idea as far as Carver was concerned.

    Varric apparently disagreed. "Ravini that's brilliant! Nothing like disapproving authority figures to put a tragic end to young desperate lovers fighting against the odds!"

    "NO! That's a terrible idea! You're throwing her to the wolves!" Carver cried panicked.

    "Sorry Junior. I'm pretty sure the wolves would take her in just fine. In fact I'm pretty sure one in particular would be more than happy to take her in." Varric chuckled at his own little joke leaving Carver to stare in confusion before dismissing it completely.

    "I'm just saying this is a terrible horrible very bad idea." Carver sunk into his chair pouting.

    "Oh and Junior. Just to fill you in, Fenris is off the tab. Don't buy him any drinks." Varric smiled and pulled out his notebook making more notes for his next epic story.

* * *

 

    Leandra looked up from her writing desk when the knock came at the door. It was a steady, sharp, official sounding rapping. She heaved a great sigh and cracked open the children's door whispering in so as not to wake Marian. "Payne. Come here sweetheart. There are more creditors at the door." The Mabari gladly jumped up and joined her more than happy to be called to defend his home. But when Leandra opened the door it was not to a stern looking creditor but the solemn face of the Knight Captain of Kirkwall holding a bouquet of flowers and a square of red fabric. He was in a fine set of plain clothes, rather than his armor so he couldn't be here in any official capacity. "Good afternoon Messere. To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit today?" Twenty five years of living on the run did nothing to diminish the manners she was raised to. The perfect ability to smile and genially greet someone she wished would simply go jump into the bay.

    Cullen held the flowers out to her and offered a small smile. "These are for you ma'am. And I came by to return this." He held up the square of cloth and suddenly Leandra recognized her own shawl, that Malcolm had taken years ago and she had so recently passed on to her own daughter. "I was hoping to speak to Marian a moment this morning." If he was bothered by the growl that Payne gave him he didn't show it he simply stood there after she had taken the offered items.

    "I am sorry Messere my daughter is still sleeping and she's been so busy lately I do hate to disturb her. Is there something I can do for you? Or would you like to leave a message?" Leandra's smile left Cullen feeling much better about the situation. At the very least she hadn't left instruction he be turned away at the door.

 

    "I'd just come to offer apologies for my thoughtless words last night. We had spoken and things got a little..." He turned and stared off down the steps leading up to their front door. To Leandra his silence spoke volumes as she started piecing together every little fact she had learned about last nights events so far. He continued after only a seconds pause. "I said a few things I shouldn't have. Please tell her I am deeply sorry, and I would still like her to come by the Gallows when she has a moment about the thing we discussed last night. Also, I'd like to ask your permission to begin courting your daughter."

 

    It took every ounce of her noble upbringing to not slam the door in his face, and instead she simply smiled. "That's quite sudden. Who are your parents? Do you intend to stay with the order? Do they pay you enough to keep a family comfortably? Would you continue to live in the Gallows and simply move my daughter in there amongst all the mages and such. It doesn't seem like a very suitable place to have a family."

 

    Cullen had been prepared for an outright answer, either an acceptance or denial. He had been prepared to lay out his reasons for wishing to marry her, but this was completely unexpected. "Uh... Well, my parents were farmers in Honnleath. I joined the order when I was thirteen and after the blight I'm not sure what happened to them. I uh... I do intend to make a lifetime out of my service to the order. It's a worthy career I feel. I am a Knight Captain ma'am so as an officer I do make a fairly good wage. And I hadn't considered the uh... arrangements yet. But there are postings outside of the Circle if that's a concern of hers." He could feel the disapproval rolling off of Leandra as he scrambled to answer the questions she had fired at him. He had stood against Uldred and his blood mages. He had seen a blight roll across his country but standing before the mother of a woman he held feelings for he felt little more than a child.

    "Well Knight Commander, I will relay your messages and consider your request. The Amell's have a long and important history in Kirkwall to consider after all if I intend to return us to our former glory. And I do thank you for the flowers they are lovely. Have a nice day Serah." And with that she did shut the door in his face even if it was gently. Only when it was fully closed did she let out a breath. Her hand immediately went to her forehead. "Oh Maker Marian what have you done now."

    Cullen stood a moment staring at the door that had been effectively shut in his face after being less than subtly told Mrs. Hawke found him less than an ideal match for her daughter. This was an obstacle he had not foreseen. He was under the impression she had been from a family of Ferelden refugees. If he had any hope of making this work he would have to do some research into who the Amells were here in Kirkwall.

* * *

 

    When Marian woke in the late afternoon she found herself well rested but with no clearer path ahead of her. Perhaps when she simply disappeared with the expedition into the Deep Roads he'd forget all about her. She had a moment of panic as she realized she was still wearing his shirt and tore it off like it burned her skin and tossed it across the room finding robes of her own to wear before her mother caught her in some strange mans clothes. She tried to steal out of the house without being seen but she had barely gotten her door open before Payne made that impossible, as he barked and charged her bearing her to the floor, covering her with spit laden kisses. Mother looked up from her seat at the desk and offered Marian a small sad smile. Marian looked past her to the flowers on the writing desk, wondering if Carver had somehow gathered them for her before any hope of that notion was disabused by her mother's first sentence.

    "Your gentleman came by. He was very polite in returning your wrap and brought me flowers. He offered his apologies for what he had said last night and asked that you stop by the Gallows about something you had discussed." Marian was thankful that was all it had been, perhaps there was still someway to salvage this but as she went to speak Mother held up a hand stopping her. "He also asked permission to court you Marian."

    Marian Hawke just sat there under her Mabari, mouth opening and closing trying to find words that could explain what happened but failing.

    "Marian I'm not going to pretend like I don't understand. I was young once. I risked everything to run away with your Father but please, if this is not what you want tell me now and I'll simply tell him I forbid it. But if this is what you want. If he is who you want, please be careful. I don't want to lose you to the Circle." Marian's heart broke in that moment, seeing the pain and sadness on her mother's face that she herself had put there.

    "Mother I'm sorry. I wish it was simple. I wish I knew." She pushed Payne off and moved to take a seat next to Leandra. "I'm so confused. I want it to be simple I want to hate him because he's a Templar. But he's such a good man. I feel like a terrible person."

    "So he still doesn't know. I had gathered as much. You either need to tell him and risk his wrath or end it before it goes any further. There is no right choice here Marian. Someone is going to get hurt, just please don't let it be us." She wrapped her arms around Marian hugging her close. "Just let me know what you decide. I only told him I'd think about it after giving him quite the interrogation as to his past. My father would have been proud of me. I used the family name to imply he wasn't good enough for my little girl." Leandra laughed and Marian joined her.

    "Just give me a few days. I promise I'll let you know what I decide. I just don't want to put you at risk." Marian held her mother's face in her hands gently. Leandra smiled, they were always trying to protect her but she was stronger than they realized. All the same if there was one thing she knew about Hawkes it was that they would protect the people they loved with a ferocity that would put the most hardened warriors to shame.

    "Ok love. Just please be careful in the mean time."

    Marian gathered her pack and slid out into the afternoon light. She needed to see Anders and not just to warn him about the Templars on his tail.

* * *

    Anders clinic was closed up but that never meant anything to her before. She pushed through the doors and called out. "Anders! I need your help! It's a little urgent!" He scrambled out from behind the screen that partitioned off his personal section of the Clinic.

    "Are you ok? Did something happen?" His hair was mussed and his robes in a bit of disarray. She had an idea of why the clinic had been closed up now.

    "Uh... yes and no. I need something to end a pregnancy. In the early stages." She watched as Anders jaw dropped.

    "Hawke, I'm a healer. This is a place of healing and salvation not... what your asking for."

    "Anders, don't try to pretend you can't. There are hundreds of women here who couldn't possibly keep another child and it's better than letting the poor wretches starve to death. I've seen you give a woman one when she was having one after the other. This is a matter of life and death. Besides if you don't help me I'll find someone else. But I'm fairly sure yours won't also threaten to kill me too." She was deadly serious and it made Anders worry. He had seen her only a few short days ago, and there couldn't possibly have been a need. His magic had touched every inch of her and he was aware she had never known a man.

    He stepped forward reaching for her. "Can I at least check? You might not even need it."

    She pulled away so quickly she ended up climbing backwards over a cot. "NO! I mean... Anders I'm sorry. I can't... I don't want to know. This way it's something that I may not even have needed. I'm not choosing so much as being preventative... too late. I can't... I can't know. I can't do this if I know for sure. Please Anders." She looked almost on the verge of tears, and it twisted him up inside. She was so strong and so brave. If he ever found out who did this to her he'd kill them. Obviously this hadn't been a choice. 

    "Only on one condition. You have to tell me. Was it Fenris? Did he hurt you?"

    She sat heavily onto a cot and laughed bitterly. "Anders if Fenris could bring himself to touch anyone I highly doubt it would be a mage. Isabella is an open and willing choice if he needed such a thing anyway."

    Anders visibly relaxed and moved to a side table and began carefully choosing ingredients. He was almost thankful she came to him, and had never bothered to learn the gentler arts of making potions and tinctures. "You know you can talk to me Hawke. If someone hurt you. I won't ever judge you. I've been in bad situations before where I wasn't given choices about what happened with my own body."

    "Anders..." She heaved a deep sigh. "Thank you for helping. I just don't want to discuss it right now. Maybe later ok?"

    He smiled and poured it all into a small vial. One of the benefits of being friends with Hawke was she saved all her old bottles when she purchased potions from reputable vendors, and saved him the expense of them for the ones he gave away. "When ever you're ready I'm here for you. It's best if you let that sit for at least a day or so before you take it. Make sure you have someplace safe to you know... throw up. That will start within an hour or two and can last for a few more. Then every thing will pass with your next cycle." He held it out to her and when she faltered he set it down on a cot between the two of them before she snatched it up and ran out.

    A moment later a young man stepped out from behind the screen and punched Anders in the arm. "How could you?" He hissed. "All your talk and you gave a woman with no medical need something to kill her unborn child!" He hit Anders again and turned to gather his things once more.

    "Wilmod wait! I didn't give her anything more than something to make her throw up for a few hours. It gets less potent the longer you wait to take it. That's why I told her to wait. It's got no chance of harming a child and by the time she knows she's pregnant she'll never do anything about it. Now come on back to bed. You only have another hour before you have to report for duty."

* * *

    Marian felt better with the vial in hand. No matter what happened she wouldn't end up carrying his child now, and he could have no claim on her other than she allowed. And no matter what she thought she couldn't let him take the risk for the both of them. Mother was right. He had just as much to lose as she, and unlike her parents there was no way anyone would come out happy at the end of this.

    She almost felt normal by the time she walked into the Hanged Man. She ordered a round of drinks to be sent to Varric's rooms before heading up. She just needed to spend some time with her friends before getting back to the grind tomorrow. She almost had enough to fund her portion of the expedition. But peace was not what her friends had in mind she discovered when she walked in to find Isabella and Elegant fussing over a trunk of clothes and talking about what she should wear while Varric looked on laughing and Carver sat with his head buried into his arms on the table.

 

    "What's going on? What are you up to?" She asked immediately suspicious.

    "Hawke! Glad you're here. We've come up with a plan to get Meridith to order Cullen off of you. You're going to prove to be a distraction to his duties!" Varric said laughing, apparently they were all on board with this plan.

    However it wasn't them that caught her ire. "CARVER! You're letting them do this!"

    "No sister. I told them all this is the worst idea in creation. They won't listen. This is apparently the best idea since the exalted march against the Dales." Carver muttered without ever lifting his head.

    It was already too late as the girls dragged her over and began stripping her, and changing her into a new dress that had no practical purpose what so ever except perhaps to be uncomfortable and show far too much of her cleavage.

    "Oh and Marian I told Mother you were with Elegant and her husband last night. I didn't want her to worry." Carver finally lifted his head from the table just in time to see the girls forcing her into a corset over the dress.

    "OH well that's shot out the window! Cullen came by after you left, apparently to ask her permission to court me. He brought her flowers! We really don't have to do this. She offered to forbid it." Marian said trying once again to squirm out of the girls grasp.

    "Oh none of that now. When your lovely friend came by and told me the plan I just had to help. I'm glad you got some, but I didn't think you were going to be so amazing at it he immediately proposed. Now hold still and we're going to try and do something with what little hair you have. I also brought my cosmetics. Besides, this is better. With both your mother and Meridith opposed to it he'll have to back off." Elegant was surprisingly strong and agile for a potion maker, and took full advantage of the fact Hawke was unwilling to hurt her.

    "Come on now. This will be fun! You just waltz in there and kiss him in front of everyone! That's all! Then before long rumors are everywhere and Meridith will get all prissy and demand he stop seeing you. Besides, Varric has to do the hard part and make sure half of Kirkwall is complaining to the Viscount and the Knight Commander about the trollop that's flouncing in and pulling him away from his duties." Isabella was definitely having too much fun with this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok here's the deal. This had been SUPER long and I split it into two parts. I was two thirds of the way finished with the second half when my body gave in to sleep at 5 am this morning. I went to finish the second half this morning and my lovely stupid fingers on my lovely stupid touchpad moved a quarter inch down and hit the delete button. It's gone. I've been rewriting but my original plan was to post two together so as not to leave you wondering. OH How could she Fuck this plan up? This seems flawless. But this is me and the Best Laid Plans of Hawkes and Dwarves is on its way. Tomorrow at the latest.


	20. In which Hawke makes up an imaginary boyfriend.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best laid plans of Hawkes and Dwarves go awry. Marian puts on her big girl pants. Then Fenris reveals a dark secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This bastard of a chapter tried to kill me. It was about a third written then got completely deleted. Then around six pages in I decided I hated it and trashed a full half of what was written. Then it got away from me. Ten pages 12 pt font single spaced later my Beta took one look at the sheer size of it and told me it could wait until he got up in the morning. Then I lost where I saved the file. Hence many hours of searching (because I name chapters crazy shit in save files) and two hours of editing later I have it done and up. I understand that the mention of a possible abortion was a little triggery for some people and I apologise. I want to make it clear that the events in regards to it have ALWAYS been the plan as I have my own opinions on the practice I don't believe I should impose on anyone else. But I do want it to be understood that no matter what world or time we are in it is a thing that exists. This is something that I addressed because there is all sorts of questionable sex in DA and no Cannon babies.

    Cullen was nearly back to the ferry when a thought slammed into him. Amell was Solana's last name. He had been vaguely aware she had come from some important family somewhere, and he cringed wondering if he had replaced the young apprentice in his mind with a girl who looked so much like her. But Marian Hawke had so little in common, outside of a vague resemblance in the looks department. She was tan where Solana had been fair, and loud and strong where Solana had been soft and willowy. He had some research to do as soon as he got back to the Gallows. After all if one wanted to know anything, the Circle had the most extensive libraries in all of Thedas.  
    Several hours later after getting help from a few of the apprentices to find the tomes he was looking for, and the assistance of Senior Enchanter Tobrius, he had a much better picture of how big an ass he had proven himself to be. The Amells had once been a Noble family that dated back to the Fourth Blight. Solana and her siblings had been born mages, and cast a scandal over the family. Leandra the eldest daughter, had broken her engagement and run off with a wanted Apostate, escaped from the circle, Malcolm Hawke. From all reports he had died in Ferelden some years ago after living as a farmer. The Apostate she had so valiantly defended had been her father, not an old love. It explained so much. She had spent most of her life waiting for men just like him to take her father away.  
    The fortunes had been lost when her Uncle Gamlen had made a series of bad investments and acquired a growing stack of debts. He had sold nearly everything before completely falling from grace. Now it seemed Leandra had set her sights on reclaiming her status and title. A marriageable daughter would go far in that effort. But somehow beyond all of that she had found a way to care for him and it made his heart ache for her.  
    Cullen reached into his desk and pulled out a fresh sheet of parchment to begin composing a letter of apology. She deserved it and so much more.  
     Six drafts and over an hour later there came a knock on his door. He pushed back, thankful for the distraction from the words that never seemed to come out properly. "Enter." A young recruit, Keran if he had the name right, was standing in the doorway trying to stifle a grin. Cullen was staring past him however at Marian who stood just behind him in the hall in a dress that did unholy things to her figure. She had dressed up and come to see him, he could hardly believe it. He snapped his attention forcefully back to the young man who was losing his battle not to grin like an idiot. "Yes recruit? Can I help you?"  
    "Miss Marian Hawke here to see you Ser. She said you might be expecting her so I thought it best to just show her right back." Cullen stood and stepped around the desk.  
    "Thank you recruit. And please report to the training yards at six tomorrow morning. You've got double maneuvers."  
    Keran led Marian into Cullen's office with a hand on her elbow. Cullen was surprised by the sudden urge to break that hand. "As you say Commander." He said ducking his head but  keeping that stupid grin on his face he shut the door fully behind him, without being dismissed.  
    "You came to see my Mother." Maker why did she go stupid when she was alone with him. And why did he have to smile at her in a way that lit up a room like the noon day sun.  
    "I meant what I said. I want to do this properly. I was told about your father. Marian, I just want you to know it doesn't matter. Nothing in this matters but you. If it effects your desire to have children, I don't care. All I need is you." He took a step closer to her and suddenly she was in his arms. He couldn't tell you later if you asked about it which had reached for the other first. They were just holding one another and then her lips were upon his and he was kissing her breathless. He had been so afraid after she had stormed off last night but apparently she was a woman of intense passions in many ways. He entertained the passing thought that life would never be boring with her in it. Perhaps that was how she attracted so many odd and sundry friends.  
    The plan had gone to shit almost as soon as they arrived. Cullen was not in his usual place in the yard. Upon inquiry, she had been taken out of the very public place that would have served to throw lamp oil onto the rumors that Varric was preparing to start.  Into a private back office where they could quite possibly be discussing the weather or Qunari Cheese investments. "I had only meant to stop by and thank you for being so nice to my Mother. She's not sure you're good enough for her little girl. My friends are waiting for me out front."  
    Cullen's smile did wicked things to the coil of heat that had started deep in her belly. "Well, let's just make it that much harder to find you. Come on." He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of his office, not even bothering to lock his door behind them as they ran down hall ways through the Gallows deeper and deeper in. They nearly ran over one of his fellows along the way.  
    "Ah Turner! Could you go to the courtyard and inform Mistress Hawke's companions she will be busy for a bit, and they do not need to feel inclined to wait." Turner saw the smile on the Knight Captain's face and the deepening blush on the girl whose hand he held behind him. When she merely stepped closer to him and grinned he decided that what ever game they were playing at was none of his concern.  
    "Mistress Hawke is there any message you should like me to deliver?" He watched as she worried her lip a moment before choosing her words carefully.  
    "Could you simply tell them I'm alright and I'll see them at the bar later. Oh and tell Varric to go ahead without me." Turner nodded, satisfied with the fact that everything seemed to be in order here.  
    "As you wish Serah. Knight Captain." He gave a short nod to both.  
    "Thank you Turner, you're dismissed." Turner turned and took long strides off to the courtyard as the lovebirds fled deeper into the gallows.

* * *

  
    Turner stepped out into the courtyard to find a young man, a woman… wait was she even wearing any pants? He shook his head to dispel the thought. A Dwarf, and a Mabari hound, milling about the Herbalist stall. "Excuse me, are you the group that accompanied Serah Hawke here today?" There was a ripple of tension that went though the group. The young man’s hands clenched an unclenched, his jaw setting in a hard line, the woman dropped to a crouch her hands ghosting over twin daggers at her waist, and the hound began to growl menacingly. The dwarf was the only one who seemed to remain calm stepping out before the others and slinging his arm over the hound’s shoulders.  
    Turner took a step back startled by the unmistakable threat if he should say the wrong thing. But before the scene could devolve into violence the dwarf spoke up. "Calm down Your Highness. Let the nice Templar speak. No need to go directly to blood and death. Yes Ser Knight we are indeed the group that came with her. Is there an issue?"  
   "Ah, Miss Hawke has some business to attend to with the Knight Captain. She wished me to tell you, she'll be at the bar later and for Varric to get started without her."  
    The young man threw his hands in the air. The woman doubled over in laughter nearly answering the question of weather or not she had pants on. "This time just make sure the three of you agree on a single lie to tell your mother! Or Cullen’s going to bring her flowers again and make you a liar by being a gentleman.”  
    The dwarf just shrugged. “If she’s not back tonight we’ll be by to collect her on the first ferry. Just make sure she’s ready to go by then.”  
    Turner nodded. “Regulations do not allow visitors to linger in the Gallows past night fall. They are required to leave on the last ferry out. She shall be joining you before then I assure you.”  
    “Maker you haven’t met my sister and seen her disdain for rules have you?” The young man shook his head but the aggression didn’t leave his limbs. Turner had a sister of his own and understood the fiercely protective nature.  
    “Don’t worry the Commander and Knight Captain will keep her safe. The Gallows are not as dangerous as some would like to believe.” He didn’t miss the young man’s scoff but failed to hear whatever it was he muttered under his breath as the three turned to leave. The hound on the other hand didn’t move. He moved to just beyond the portcullis that closed off the Gallows proper from the court yard. The others tried to coax him off, but he remained staunchly rooted to his spot. He had heard tales of the beasts laying down and dying upon their masters graves and it did not surprise him that without the woman’s permission he refused to leave. He would bring him a bowl of water after he completed the tasks before him. If there was anything a Templar could find a worthy cause in it was vigilance and loyalty.

* * *

  
    Within half of an hour the pair were in a courtyard garden, sitting on a laid out blanket, and picking over a few refreshments Cullen had managed to gather together. The bustle of the preparations had given way to a quiet tension. She was sitting so stiffly and refusing to look at him. Gently Cullen reached for her hand and pulled it into his lap.  
    “You’re thinking about something. Would you like to share?” He was tracing small circles on the inside of her wrist, a little pleased with himself that he could make her pulse race like that.  
    “This is such… this is a terrible idea. Us, I mean, there even being an us. You know nothing about me. For Andraste’s sake you didn’t know about my family being chock full of mages until today.” She turned to him her eyes blazing so intensely that for a moment he wanted to cast him self into their fires and burn along side her. “My sister Bethany was a mage too. Could you live with an Apostate? The Circle is broken. It breeds pain, darkness and ignorance. My Father was an amazing teacher and no one was ever in danger around us. Cullen if… if we had children I would never, never allow them into the Circle. I would rather die than let someone I profess to love be cast into this madness. It’s a prison. Literally in Kirkwall it’s a fucking prison. Could you say the same? Would you… would you turn them over even if you loved them?”  
    “Marian… that’s…” Cullen never got a chance to answer the only question Marian cared about as two Templars came running in.  
    “Knight Captain Ser, There’s a problem in the apprentice quarters! We need you now!” Cullen sprung into action.  
     “Marian stay here. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” And with that he was gone, leaving her sitting alone in the middle of the most romantic picnic she had ever seen and unable to even try to enjoy it.  
     “Stay here. What the fuck does he think I am a fucking dog to be ordered about? One of his dammed charges?” She stood and brushed herself off. Void take it all she hated this dress. It was stupid… There was no place for her weapon and they made her leave her pack behind. She didn’t even have a boot knife and now she was stalking through the halls of the Gallows trying desperately to find her way out but with each turn she took, one hall looked exactly like another. Like most of Kirkwall it was laid out to some insane Tevinter design that had nothing to do with sanity or ease of movement. Before she knew it she was standing in a hallway surrounded by nearly two dozen Tranquil. Her mind flashed back to Karl as she was surrounded by people with that same empty expression.  There was nothing left of them. No individual thought, no hopes or dreams to drive them forward, just bodies being pulled along by the inevitable flow of time. It would have been better if she didn’t know the people that they had once been were still trapped in there. Just beyond the brand there were real people held numb from their own lives. Would they too beg for death if they could remember?  
     It had been the wind on her face that alerted her to the fact that she was running. Running away from the inevitable truth of what a future with Cullen would bring. She had to get out of here. She had to go. If she stayed here one more moment she was sure to get caught and she had less than an hour until the last ferry out for the night. A Circle Mage, Tranquil, it was all he could offer her and everything about this was purely physical. It had just been sex, then he offered her the future of love and devotion her parents had, and she completely forgot for a moment that she could never be allowed that. She could never stop running.  
     After several weeks in Merrill’s company she was sensitive to the tang of blood, and the visceral pull of Blood Magic that lingered in the air as she shot down another corridor. Causing her to veer away from it down the closest turn and come across the bodies of two abominations. She was vaguely aware of people standing over them but the twisted grotesque faces filled her mind, blocking out all else and then she was running again. Someone was calling her name. but her ears were filled with the sounds of her pounding footsteps, all thoughts of where she was going disappeared as she pushed faster and faster. Looming into her vision suddenly was the perfect image of a Templar from helm to boots and a smite ripped through her chest before she was met with the full force of his shield slamming her into a wall. ‘This is why I hide behind Aveline in a fight.’ was her last conscious thought as pain blossomed brightly in the back of her skull and, she slumped to the floor.  
     Cullen had not meant for her to see that. It was a terrible thing when mages gave into demons but it was the duty of a Templar to protect people from exactly that. It was his burden not hers, but as he ran after her crying for her to stop she ignored him and just kept running. Just outside the Armory in a highly restricted area she nearly ran over a recruit who had just taken full Knighthood the week before. He understood the man’s panic but it couldn’t stop his rising anger when Marian was slammed hard enough into the wall to knock her unconscious.  
     “Got it Knight Captain Ser! Should we take her back to her quarters now?” Cullen tried to remember the boy couldn’t be more than two and twenty as he spoke through gritted teeth.  
     “She’s not a mage you fool. She was visiting when two mages abominated just outside the east library.” Cullen was pulling her away from the wall his fingers carefully questing over the back of her head to see how bad the lump would be, but his fingers came away red and sticky with blood.  
     “But Ser… She went down when I hit her with a smite. I thought only mages could feel it!” The young Templar was shaking now.  
     “Or it could have been the shield bash that slammed her into a stone wall and cracked the back of her skull open. Report tomorrow at ten to the training yard. I’ll move around your shifts. You’re too skittish to be of any use.” With that he was striding down the hall toward the infirmary before he lost his temper.

* * *

  
     She had been having the best dream. Daddy had been trying to teach her to clean out the chimney and they found a birds nest. They had just gotten it placed gently into a tree and he was telling her stories about birds. He was going to get to her favorite one next. The one where a girl saved all seven of her brothers from a curse that held them as swans. But her head hurt something terrible and someone was talking over her Daddy. No, this was the fade, as soon as she realized where she was her Father gave her a soft smile. “I’m sorry. I thought it would be easier if you were happy. I didn’t mean to intrude. It’s just such a lovely memory. Can we go back to it? You can sleep a bit longer, I want to know how the story ends.”  
     Marian struggled trying to wake, trying to remove herself from the fade and this spirit who was stealing her most precious memories. “Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my memories? How did you get them? What are you demon?!”  
     Watching her fathers face fall in hurt made Marian want so badly to apologize but she forced herself to remember it wasn’t him. Like Aveline said, he was either at the Maker’s side or he was not. This, thing, was not her Father. “I’m not a demon.” It said almost petulant. “My name is Mercy, I am a spirit of virtue. I heard your thoughts about an old friend of mine. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him and I hoped you had news. Justice and I used to have the most interesting talks. There was always so much to do when he was finished somewhere as well. But now I am simply bored and lonely.”  
     It was through gritted teeth Marian agreed. “Fine. I’ll tell you the story but for Andraste’s sake stop wearing my father’s face around.” There was a flash of light and the spirit became the Ethereal blue she had become so intimately familiar with every time Justice surged forward in Anders. It was a girl. Barely out of her teens, long hair streaming behind her almost to the ground and such familiar features Marian couldn‘t leave it be.  
    “Are you? You look like Andraste!” She knew she was right when she was greeted with a beaming smile that filled her with a comfort and hope. So she sat and told the Lady of Sorrows the tales her father had once told her.

* * *

  
     Cullen stood silent vigil over the enchanter as her hands moved over Marian’s wounded head, her face pulled tight in concentration. “Is everything ok? I mean, is she going to wake soon?”  
     “She’s in the Fade Knight Captain. Judging from the smile she’s not in any sort of distress there. And it’s best if we don’t wake her until I am finished. Must you hover like that? Do you not have something more worthy of your attentions than my ability to heal a simple bump?” She glared up at him and Cullen sank into a chair. Marian had spoken so kindly of the mages in her family, he was trying to see what she saw.  
     “I’m sorry. I know that you and apprentice Layna were friends. I want you to know I am sorry she fell to Demons. I wish there was something more I could do to protect you all from such a fate.” The healer didn’t respond she simply huffed but the tension bled out of her frame slightly.  
     With the tension between them lessening he found the courage to ask the question that had been plaguing him, “Mistress Hawke mentioned in passing earlier there was a chance she was with child. Is there any chance what happened harmed the baby? I mean, is it possible?”  
     The healer seemed to freeze for just a moment and a single hand drifted slowly down to Marian’s belly. Cullen stopped  breathing as her hand glowed gently and his heart plummeted when the healer shook her head. “There’s nothing to harm. There never was Ser.” Cullen’s heart shot back up so fast he thought he might choke on it, and the hitch in his breathing made the healer soften completely. “You can wait if you like. She should wake in a moment but I’ll need to watch her overnight. Head wounds are tricky.”  
     It seemed like an eternity before her eyes fluttered open even if it was less than ten minutes. He watched her try and focus and gripped her hand a little tighter. He had been left with the haunting feeling that what ever his answers were to the questions she had  posed him earlier would define everything that came after.  
     “Knight Captain Cullen. We really have to stop meeting like this.” She tried to push to sitting and he helped her up with a gentle hand behind her back.  
     “I’m incredibly sorry about that. He’s green and just saw you running into the armory. He actually thought you were a mage and tried to smite you.” He laughed gently, finding it incredibly funny now that he knew she was going to be alright.  
     “Me? A mage? Whatever would give anyone that idea?” She swung her legs over the side of the cot. “Knight Captain I need to get home. Is there anyone that can escort me to the Ferry? My legs do not seem to be listening to what I ask of them.” Cullen didn’t miss the fact that she had stopped using his name in favor of his title.  
     “The healers would like you to stay so you can be watched. You hit your head against the wall and it knocked you out. You lost a good bit of blood. I’d like to finish our discussion from earlier.” He went to scoot his chair a bit closer to her and was stopped when she suddenly stuck her foot out pressing it against the leg.  
     “There’s no need Knight Captain. After you left I did some thinking about something my Mother told me.” It took every ounce of her courage to stare him dead in his eyes. Inside she was shaking and terrified but she kept her voice steady and low. Even to her own ears she sounded cold and indifferent as her heart broke with her own words. “I think this was a good lesson for the both of us on the difference between sex and love. I am sorry if I allowed anything to become clouded between us and I’m sorry if I hurt you in what I was informed just this morning was a childish attempt at getting someone else’s attention. I hope, someday, you can forgive me. I never intended to involve your feelings into any of this.”  
     It was like ice water down his spine as she spoke and he saw the elf in his minds eye again threatening his life after their night in the ruins. He wondered if this whole visit had also been designed for the elf. Had he been waiting for her in the courtyard. Had she agreed to stay just to provoke his ire. It was like watching Solana again, gently crying into the shoulder of her fellow Warden over the bodies of the fallen in the tower once it was all finished. The blond man holding her and kissing her temple, the way Cullen had wanted to so many times in the past. He had thought his error last time was waiting too long and never speaking of his affections or feelings. This time he had done the exact opposite. He had jumped full force into it. He had let it consume him and like the flames that had taken Andraste it had burned everything to nothing more than ashes. He knew then, next time he would be more careful. Perhaps find a middle ground between saying to little and giving too much.  
     “I understand Marian. I may have been… a bit hasty in my intentions. But I am going to insist you continue to follow the healers instruction. I can send someone by your home to inform your family of your whereabouts for the evening if you like.” He stood at full attention. He was a Knight Captain with the Kirkwall Templars, he was going to maintain his dignity in this if it killed him.  
     “Please call me Hawke. All of my friends do. And I actually came to let you know about the apostate from the Alienage, Feynriel is beyond your reach now. He’s not going to be a danger to anyone. I sent him some place he could be properly trained and watched. Please inform Ser Thrask. I had intended to tell him myself but I don’t wish to disrupt your chain of command.” Cullen had suspected as much when she spoke of her disdain for the circle earlier. He had hoped he was wrong.  
     “Hawke, you need to understand. That isn’t a solution to anything. Mages aren’t like us. They can set an entire city on fire in a fit of pique. I hope someday you will be more careful.”  
     “That’s where you’re wrong Knight Captain. You’ve forgotten my family so quickly. Mages are exactly like me. But if I ever meet one that can set an entire city on fire simply because they were having a bad day I’ll eat my words. It seems like a bit of a feat. In fact I know my Mabari has caused more damage to innocents than any mage I have ever known. I would like to compose a note, if I could, to be sent to my brother. He should be at The Hanged Man in Lowtown if you can arrange it’s delivery.”

* * *

  
     Carver was sitting in the main room terrified to go home and face mother without Marian. The sun was just setting, she had to be coming through the door any minute now, any time, this would have been an excellent opportunity for her to arrive. He ordered another drink and rolled his eyes. Well so much for trying that. Predicting something to make it happen only worked in Varric’s stories. He ordered another drink and gave up staring at the door. It was only making time crawl past.  
     Some minutes later he heard someone behind him. “Serah Hawke?” Carver whipped around and started looking for his sister growing confused. Someone had just been speaking to her. That’s when he realized two things that made his blood run cold. First they were speaking to him. Second the speaker was a Templar who was most definitely visibly upset. “Are you Serah Hawke Ser?” Carver nodded dumbly as the Templar held out the paper. “I would like to offer my sincerest apologies Serah.” Carver took the note and was tearing it open ignoring the Templar who took that moment to excuse himself.  
     Augustus had not realized that the Knight Captain had such a sense of humor until he asked him to deliver the missive from the woman he had accidentally attacked to her family. It wouldn’t have been so bad if said family wasn’t toting a sword half his size with arms that belonged on a Qunari and was half drunk already. He probably should have waited for a response but wasn’t afraid to admit he was slightly terrified of the man. No wonder the family was making such a stir in the city.  
     Marian was the worst at notes. This was an established fact. The three lines on the paper only served to underline that.  
  
It’s over  
Had an accident  
Tell Mother not to worry  
  
     Perhaps it was all the ale he’d had, but this was not going to stand. He spun around to ask the Templar to explain. But like a coward he’d fled and Carver was beginning to assume the worst. He glanced up toward Varric’s rooms then decided that this was all his fault. Isabella would only tell Varric. Aveline would never go for it, too illegal. Anders and Merrill would be the worst possible choices for such an endeavor, and they avoided the Gallows as a general rule anyway. So, half drunk Carver hauled himself out of his chair and stalked to the last place anyone would think he would have gone.  
     Fenris pulled himself up out of the chair he’d collapsed into four hours and three bottles of wine ago when the pounding came on his door. It was harder than Hawke knocked but the guards tended to knock only a few times before giving up and going away. This was a steady pounding that he was almost certain the door would not withstand much longer if he continued to try and ignore it. When he opened the door Carver slammed past him and shoved a scrap of paper at his chest.  
     “Can you believe this shit? I mean what the fuck was she thinking! I told her this was a bad idea and now THAT!” He waved at the paper Fenris was now holding and staring at. He had long ago learned to hide his inadequacies. So he simply raised an eyebrow at Carver.  
     “What exactly do you propose I do about it?” The marks on the paper meant about as much to him as his cursing in Tevene ever meant to the young man before him.  
     “I propose that with the first ferry in the morning we go get her back. I’m going with or without you. But we have better chances if I’m not taking on the entire Gallows by myself.” Marian Hawke was going to be the death of him, but Fenris would be dammed if he left her in her own worst nightmare after she had been helping keep him from his.  
     “Then we leave at first light.” They had never been what Fenris would consider friends. The two men shared a fairly antagonistic relationship but in this they could stand united. Taking another bottle of wine with them the two stalked to the docks to wait for sunrise too high strung to try and sleep and too angry to wait sober.  
     If the Ferryman was alarmed by the two obviously buzzed and clearly upset swordsman waiting for him when he arrived that morning, he said nothing but simply ushered them across without ever looking directly at either one. Carver stalked into the courtyard a good ten steps ahead of Fenris, who preferred not to charge directly in but rather make as much progress as possible before belaying their intent. This was the most likely reason he thought later he wasn’t able to stop the young man when he spotted the Knight Captain in the training yard.  
     Cullen saw Carver enter the Courtyard when he was up with the men for the first round of training for the day. He turned to offer a greeting but only got as far as “Good day…” Before Carver’s fist connected squarely with his face.  
     Apparently getting punched by members of the Hawke family was going to be a recurring thing. At least he knew where she learned to throw a punch since it connected in the exact same spot only, with more force this time managing to break his nose as Carver hissed. “That’s for my fucking sister!”  
     Fenris was on him a moment later dragging him back and Carver followed the extended arm to where Marian was just coming down the steps. She was still in her dress. She wasn’t in Circle robes. She wasn’t being flanked by Templars. She sported no Tranquil brand. She was safe. He couldn’t believe it. “CARVER! Void take you! This is why I can’t bring you nice places!”  
     “My apologies for my brother Knight Captain. You might want to have someone look at that. It would be a shame to ruin your nose because you forgot how to block at six in the morning.” She turned on Carver her eyes flashing with an old amusement that belayed her harsh words. “Let’s go home so I can break your nose you drunk moron.” She grabbed his elbow and made a beeline out of the courtyard leaving Fenris to follow behind. Payne at her heels glad to have his mistress back.  
     Fenris was stopped by Cullen stepping in front of him. “One moment elf. I would speak to you.” Fenris cocked an eyebrow but waited. At this juncture it was best if the man was distracted while the Hawkes made good their exit. As soon as they were out of earshot Cullen continued. “If you hurt her. If you ever bring harm to her. I will end you. There are a thousand things that are out to kill an escaped slave in this city. No one would ever find your body. Are we clear?”  
     Confusion ran rampant in Fenris mind. Whatever had happened the cordiality between the two had cooled to carefully measured indifference as neither Hawke or the Templar had attempted to look at each other. What had she told him last night? Why of all her companions did the Knight Captain feel the need to threaten him? “Perfectly. Now remove yourself. My friend requires my company.” He didn’t miss the wince that confirmed the subtle jab hit home and as Cullen moved and he joined the siblings on the Ferry ride back.  
     “What the fuck were you thinking! I sent the note to stop exactly this sort of thing!”  
     “Oh yeah the whole It’s over tell mother not to worry! What the fuck was I supposed to think!” Carver shot back.  
     “Where is it, you stupid fucking idiot, and how much did you drink last night?”  
     Fenris handed her the letter and watched as she smoothed it all the way out. “What isn’t clear about this? It’s over with Cullen. Had an accident the Healer is keeping me overnight. Tell Mother not to worry, I’ll be home in the morning.”  
     Carver snatched the letter back and read it again. Then re folded it so the right half once again covered the portion he did not read. She had put it in thirds not in half he finally realized. He hadn’t even uncovered the entire right side of the page. Marian rounded on Fenris next. “How could you just let him do this? Did you even look at the thing? You just let him run off half cocked! Did you even read it when he gave it to you!”  
     Fenris took a deep breath. He saw no other course of action. He had endangered her and she deserved the truth. “I am unable to read. Slaves are not taught in the Imperium.”  
     Fenris was prepared to be mocked or laughed at. Hawke was nothing if not quick to a joke about every topic. Fenris was not prepared for what came next. “Then you, I forgive. Thank you for coming to break me out of the circle. But now if the slavers ever actually catch up to you I’m nearly required to hunt them all down and put their heads on pikes. It’s like a friendship law of exchange or something.” Without another word she turned on her brother. “You on the other hand do not get away so easily.” Up her knee came and down her brother went. He spent the rest of the ferry ride curled into a ball cradling himself crying and had to be helped onto the docks when they arrived.

* * *

  
     The rest of the day had been eventful to say the least. They had tried to locate a woman that Isabella’s favorite whore reported as missing only to find nothing more than pieces of her. The Templar Emeric had given them all a better idea about the cause of the rift when he apologized for her seeing the abominations the night before. Now he was ready to just relax and resign himself to another night alone as he was still not ready to face the rest at the Hanged Man.  
     His plans were shattered when he found Hawke had once again let herself in. In all honesty this habit of hers was the reason he never bothered to see about having the locks properly fixed.  
     “Hawke. Did you require something?” He asked and by way of answer she just smiled and handed him a small book he had seen her pick up in a stall earlier that day. “What is this? I thought I made it clear earlier I can make no use of it.”  
     “That’s why I’m here actually. That is… if you want. It’s a primer. I helped teach the twins. Since we couldn’t exactly be sent to chantry schools mother taught us our letters and figures at home. You’re free Fenris. Free men are taught to read. If you’re not interested I understand. But you need to claim your own life and this is just another way to do that.” She shifted from foot to foot refusing to settle or even take her usual seat.  
     “I would like that. You have been…” He sighed and stared into the flames finding it impossible to speak the next words if he was looking at her. “You have been a better friend than I seem to deserve.”  
     “Aw shucks Fenris! You’re gonna make me go all weepy if you keep showering me with compliments like that. I might even begin to think you don’t hate me.” She playfully shoved him and dragged her chair over right next to his and pulled out the rest of the tools of literacy. Quills and inks were set beside lined papers with letters already written out between neat guide lines.  
     Fenris would never forget that first night with her pressed close her hand over his showing him how to hold the quill. Never once did she mock him or grow weary of his frustration and by the time the night was over he had managed to write his own name. The sheer number of letters amazed him. It gave him a sense of importance that it took that many marks to represent him on paper. Many years later when everything fell apart and they took only the essentials he would still carry that paper with his name written next to hers over and over.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note Hawke is STILL completely unaware she is not pregnant. No one told her. She also has not taken her potion yet. This will be addressed. On an unrelated note the other half of my soul and my Beta is writing an Original Work of myth and monsters in a war torn world. He has SEVEN HITS on the first two chapters and its seriously hurting his feelings. Well I want to know WTF comes next but he doesn't want to write so... Maybe... If that's you thing... someone could... click it... and bring up his hit count.... ShaggyMack Shattered Crown http://archiveofourown.org/works/3558029/chapters/7835846


	21. I thought Mabari were supposed to be loyal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke has been seeking the same peace she found just before she went to the coast. So she goes to confession again. Sebastian learns scent is strongly tied to memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok here goes. YES Hawke does not like the way she handled it. It's been fucking with her. She knows she handled it badly that there was a right way and a wrong way to do it and she did not pick the best path. Sebastian is only encouraging her to forgive herself while having to remind himself he's not that man anymore driven by baser instinct. He is trying to be better than the man slut he was. (because he does feel that way now) It's ok to regret things, but it's also OK to seek help as Hawke is here going to talk to a trusted figure... ie. the Brother who has been taking her confessions. She can't change the shitty choice she made in how she handled it but she can move on and forgive herself and try to do better next time.

    A week had passed. A week since the night she took the feelings of a good, kind and gentle soul and crushed them underfoot. She had seen him in passing a few times, and the words were always cordial but she could see the hurt that lingered there. She could remember his lips on hers and his hands. The way he told her she was the only thing that mattered and her heart ached for such a thing.  
    She didn’t even know what she was doing here now. She paced back down the steps from the Chantry again and sat at the bottom. Payne just cocked his head and gave a questioning whine. “Shut the hell up.  I don’t know. Maybe we should just go back home. We’re leaving for the deep roads in a few days. Everything is in order except I can’t get my fucking head out of my ass.”  
    “And here I thought you were only having problems with the door Mistress Hawke.” Marian winced at the thick Starkhaven accent. She looked up to find Sebastian striding across the courtyard wearing that brightly shining armor once more. It was harder to remember he was a brother dressed like this when he looked so much like a man. Her courage almost fled her.  
    “I’m not the one with door issues. They generally require hands and I told him if he wanted to go to Services I would come but I wasn’t going to help.” Sebastian nodded and took a seat next to her on the steps.  
    He reached out and began petting Payne behind the ears rubbing, slow circles down his neck and back. Resulting in the low sustained rumble that only came when whatever you were doing to him was especially pleasant. “Well good Ser dog…”  
    “Payne. Or if you ask Varric, Your Highness. It’s a long story.” Marian interrupted.  
    “Payne then. If you would like to come to service I will be speaking the chant tomorrow at around eight if that works for you. I will be more than happy to keep you a seat and hold the doors for you. One should not be held back by something as simple as a door when all one must do is open it and step through.” He received a sharp bark in response along with an excited tail wag. Sebastian took that as agreement. “Now, what has brought you to the chantry today?” He smiled at the flurry of yips, barks, and wags he received listening intently. Trying to follow the rapid movements Payne was trying to portray. Hawke watched as Sebastian honestly seemed to be trying to puzzle out what he was being told. Her heart almost broke thinking back to her father who was the last one to try and give Payne that much credit.  
    “Wait.” Sebastian held his hand up. “You’re going too fast. Try that last part once more if you don’t mind. Marian’s throat closed up as Payne’s face broke into a giant grin and once again repeated the last bit, ending with settling his face against Hawke’s leg.  
    Sebastian heaved a sigh. “If I have this right. You were waiting and then there was a fight and now you’re worried about someone. Possibly Miss Hawke?” There was a yip and his tail started wagging hard enough his entire back end was shaking with the force of it.  
    “Traitor.” Huffed Marian staring a Payne with less venom than she wanted to. It didn’t help that the incident described happened twice in as many days. She never questioned how Payne found her after her fight with Cullen on the coast. He was there and that was all that mattered. He was there when she needed him. “How did you do that anyway? I mean most people think I’m crazy.”  
    Sebastian just smiled that same glorious smile that had convinced her to let him lead her into a dog kennel, away from the safety of public view all those years ago. “I just listened. The Maker makes all things clear if we only open ourselves up to them. Should he worry about you or shall we tell him he’s being foolish.” Marian sighed and flopped dramatically back across the stairs tossing an arm over her eyes.  
    “Betrayed by my faithful hound! How could you do this to me you giant smelly poop machine!” She sat up and forced a smile, something she was starting to get exceptionally good at. “I just got in a fight with someone. He’s being silly.” Payne growled calling her a liar and Sebastian’s face softened.  
    “Well if you decide you would like to speak I’m usually around the Chantry or there are plenty of other Brothers and Sisters who can take your confession. I don’t wish to push you to speak of things you are not comfortable with but he is worried. How did everything go with you‘re young man if I might inquire?” Sebastian jumped startled when this propelled Hawke to her feet, making her immediately animated. Her hands flew in every direction as she talked reminding him of the bird she was named for.  
    “Maker! That travesty! He proposed!” Sebastian’s brow furrowed. He had never seen such a reaction to a proposal before. Usually young women were overjoyed when a man they fancied did such a thing.  
    “I’m not sure why that’s a bad thing Miss Hawke. I thought you enjoyed his company.”  
    Hawke looked around the courtyard quickly as if to determine who was watching and then leaned in incredibly close. So close in fact Sebastian was startled when he could smell the sweat dirt and dog on her skin beside a much deeper scent of her that stirred something he thought he had left behind in his old life. He had been in close contact with hundreds of women since coming to the Chantry but why this one would spark something he had no idea. He also didn’t know why he listened when she whispered. “I can’t tell you here. Come on I know a place.” One side of her mouth quirked and there was a sparkle in her eyes like she knew something amazingly funny about what she just said.  
    Marian grabbed his hand and dragged him up and away until they had found a quiet secluded spot in a private courtyard, surrounded by homes. It was deserted. For her part she found it hilarious to echo his own words back at him, but she had no intention of using their change of location to the same effect he had so long ago.  
    “This is still confidential confession correct?” She was completely serious. It wasn’t something he had seen before, and it gave the entire silly, crazy ordeal she was putting him through an air of formality. It brought it back from the feeling of a secret rendezvous that it had started to take on, and he relaxed.  
    “Everything you tell me is between you and the Maker. It is only my duty to show you his light and his love.” He let out a breath he did not know he had been holding as she nodded and extended her hand. At first he thought she meant him to take it and then…  
    Marian let go. She let the blue flame fill her palm and dance across her fingers. It was an exercise in controlled release that her father had taught her years ago. Almost a secret code amongst mages. I know your struggle and share it. It was cold to the touch and would burn nothing she did not will to burn. It was an easy way to put others at ease with the magic as well. It was a common spell and so quiet and non invasive. It had the intended effect as Sebastian let out only one word in response, “Oh.”  
    “Tell me about it. It was a bad idea from the first. But there was a storm. And then all my good sense ran away. Along with my clothes. And there we were, trapped by a storm on the Wounded Coast, and Payne wasn’t there to make me remember I’m not supposed to go all slutty and then… BAM!” Her sudden exclamation made him jump a bit. He tried not to wonder why exactly he was being drawn into thoughts about why her clothes had been gone.  
    “Wait. Why did the storm matter? I’m a bit lost I’m afraid.” She laughed and much of the tension bled out of her frame as she made her way to a bench and Payne followed, once again laying his head into her lap. Sebastian joined her keeping appropriate distance between them he was slipping into dangerous territory in his thoughts.  
    “Have you ever stood in the middle of a storm and marveled at the power and majesty of such a force, created from nothing but air and water crashing around you? Well mages get a little… juiced. If you’re actually out in one the power flows in as quickly as you can push it out. It’s like overdosing on Lyrium, and thinking is reduced to what feels good at the time. It’s as if you’re running in the middle of a pack of Mabari or a heard of horses. It’s pulling you along with it and you can’t stop or you might get run over by it all. At least that’s how it feels. The moment the first drops hit my skin I can reach into the clouds and feel it. Every drop hitting every inch of Thedas it touches. It feels like I could disappear into it and become the storm. It’s kind of addictive. My father taught me to deal with the pull of that much power by going someplace and letting it go. That’s how I ended up pulling Qunari out of the ocean last year. I swear several times I’ve seen the guy at the gate almost smile at me. I think if I gave it half a shot I might actually get through the gate.” She laughed gently then and Sebastian relaxed hoping this was coming back to something more rational. “But anyway, It was literally right after I left you last time. So I was a little worked up to begin with. So I went down to the shore to be safely away from anyone else. I am always so afraid I‘m going to forget myself or overestimate what I can do, and then someone will get hurt.” Sebastian remembered the storm. It had shook the windows of his rooms to the point he had moved away from them and placed an extra blanket over the curtains. Nothing in the world could have convinced him it was a good idea to take a step out the door much less go to a place so treacherous even in the full light of day.  
    “That’s very noble Miss Hawke. It must be very stressful.” He was rewarded with another laugh but had no idea what he’d done to deserve it.  
    “Actually it’s not. It’s fucking amazing. It was actually better than the sex.” Sebastian choked surprised by the sudden turn. He had not expected that. “Oh sorry. We hadn’t gotten to that bit yet had we. Needless to say I'd rather stand in a storm than try that in old ruins again. Well anyway, I was taking a moment to just breathe and let it hit me you know. You don’t worry about little things like bruises when you can just make them vanish with a touch. Only the Knight Captain is this perfect sweet gentleman who only saw me lost and stuck in the rain. He was so sweet and tender trying to get me to dry by this tiny fire he had made from bits of gathered wood, that were barely dry.” A sad smile drifted across her face as she remembered him trying so desperately to take care of her. “He was trying to keep me from getting sick and he’s trying to get me out of my wet things because I’m so wrapped up in everything all I can think about are his lips.” Sebastian’s breath hitched as Marian reached up and trailed her fingers over her own lips. He was aware she was still talking but he just watched those fingers as she relived that night. He nodded every now and then as she spoke of the fight after, but his eyes and thoughts were on her fingers. He watched as they moved from her lips to trail down her neck and run just under the collar of her robes. Some small part of his mind decided she probably freckled across the swell of her breasts. He startled back to the present in the middle of her tale. This was confession no time to be thinking of the woman like that. Apparently she had gone to see the Knight Captain in the circle, he began to gather. “And not knowing what else to say. I told him I used him to make someone else jealous. I admitted to being a complete whore just to stop him from thinking he did something. For the record I was a virgin. I don’t want anyone else thinking bad of me least of all my intercessory between the Maker and myself.” Sebastian tried to contain his wince as he was reminded rather soundly that the thoughts he had been entertaining were most unworthy of him.  
    “But I needed him to have something. Anything to let him know it wasn’t his fault. I just… I couldn’t live with myself if he agreed. If he said he meant it. If he would have betrayed himself for me.” Her eyes were far away then and her hands had stilled in their petting of her hound, who had taken on a sad look that mirrored his mistress. It was Payne more than anything that convinced him the depth of her internal agony over losing the man.  
    “It seems very kind of you. You didn’t need to do that Miss Hawke. You could have given him any number of reasons to think well of you but you chose to give him an option that left him blameless. You took a path that gave him some sense of closure. You need to remember in all things we have choices. Each thing we choose defines us. You have chosen to define yourself by how you affect those around you. You chose to avenge my family for less coin than such a thing should deserve. You chose to save an untold number of young women by making an enemy of a very powerful man. You chose to spare the feelings of a man who could pose a danger to your way of life simply because he had not done anything to deserve it. You’re a good person Miss Hawke. Cling to that in the storms that life brings. Know that you will never disappear amongst them because of your good intentions.” He reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder.    
     Marian was nearly on the verge of tears as she pulled a vial out of her pocket. Something told him he was about to severely regret not listening to her earlier. “The worst part is I want to have kids someday. I want them more than anything despite the magic. I had amazing parents and I want dozens of babies. I want them to have siblings like I did. I want to love them the way my mother loves me and protect them the way my father did. But I’m so afraid of what he would do. What if they were mages? What would he do? And so I went to And… an apothecary friend of mine.” He caught the stumble followed by the sheepish grin but said nothing. “I got something to get rid of it just in case but… I can’t do it. I’ve been carrying it around this whole time telling myself I’ll just do it later but if I keep doing that I’m not sure I could be ok with choosing when I know for sure.”  
    Sebastian scrambled to find the words. He wanted to tell her the maker had a plan. He wanted to tell her that what she was thinking about wasn’t the answer. That he could find her a place in Starkhaven if she needed to run with a baby, but ended up silent as nothing could make it around the lump in his throat. For just a moment he thought she wasn’t the woman he thought she was.  
    “Sebastian, do you think the maker could ever forgive me for thinking about it?” She didn’t even wait for his answer as she uncorked the bottle. Sebastian almost lunged for her but she turned it over into a potted plant letting it soak into the soil and he finally found his voice.  
    “Marian it is our choices not our doubts that the maker sees. He knows we are weak and scared creatures. He made us this way. But we choose to come to him and trust in him and when we do that he knows our hearts. He knows our doubts and loves us in spite of them.” He reached out and took her hand pulling the empty bottle from between her fingers.  
    “Thank you for listening Brother Sebastian. I’m sorry about pulling you away from your duties like that. Can I walk you back?” She smiled gently and he could see the difference in her from an hour before, when they began talking. She was calmer and more at peace and that was all it took to reaffirm his commitment, despite the unexplained temptation she posed.  
    “I would like that Miss Hawke.” He stood and offered her his arm like a proper gentleman and blushed when she laughed like it was funniest thing in the world.  
    “Please just call me Hawke. All my friends do. And there is NO way I am walking around on your arm after telling the Knight Captain of Kirkwall I was trying to make another man jealous. That would just go over so well.”  
    So in companionable silence they walked along together back toward the chantry. He found he might like to call such a woman a friend. She had her heart in the right place and her hands did the Maker’s work. She even seemed to respect his faith as so many young women did not. When they reached the Chanter’s board they found a young woman begging for help. Hawke offered to assist with a rather tasteless joke but her face quickly went stricken.  
    “Keran? No worries I will find him. I will bring him home. I will find you an answer for this.” She spun back to him. “I’m sorry Sebastian I really have to go. I know the boy. He’s a good kid. I’ve got to find him. Have a nice service!” She turned on her heel and ran, nearly slamming into a tattooed elf who had just come around a corner. There was a moment where they did a strangely well practiced dance in which neither touched the other as they twisted so as not to actually collide. She spoke to him for less than a second before he was following after.  
    Some part of him wanted to go with them. He was already in his armor, he could easily assist. But before he could offer they were gone. Leaving him only with the regret he wasn’t doing more to help the people around here. He stared a moment at the Chanter’s board. Perhaps he could take a job every now and again and donate the proceeds back to the chantry. He could even feel the itch in his fingers to be drawing his bow once more, to be doing something with it to make a difference more than competition shooting. The Maker gave Hawke magic and she used it to help. Did he not give Sebastian a talent with a bow. So why was he letting it be squandered?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now just for the fucks of it I add a theme song https://youtu.be/VvRVu78IHHo  
>  Because I may have gotten upset about people imposing their issues where it didn't belong and needed to cheer up


	22. Authors note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have found a need to take a moment out because some people can't FATHOM why I would talk about some things.

Feel free to skip this! I got some hate in the comments because someone is CONVINCED Marian got Slut Shamed. No... she fucking didn't. She dealt with a situation where she probably shouldn't have slept with THAT particular guy and people were worried about her safety from the circle. IE the chick from WEEDS dating the DEA agent. She also panicked about the possibilty of being pregnant because it was Cullen's. Her views reflect my own and the following is a bit about me and my past so you know where I come from

 

edits have been made all along the way to clarify what one reader feels is sex shaming due to their own personal issues with sex so here it is

edited chapter 2 to clarify it was just the fact it was his sister on carver's part and his baby girl on Malcolm's

edited chapter 11 to clarify Leandra was only upset about choice of partners

edited chapter 13 to underline it was making Fenris jealous to think of her with anyone

edited chapter 18 summary to include Cullen's views to be old fashioned in addition to him being a moron

BUT YES Marian was coming down on herself for the way she handled it from the start. It wasn't the right way to handle it. but that happens. People do dumb shit and live with it. Sebastian simply told her it's ok. That the way she did it wasn't the worst and she should forgive herself and move on. I have added an authors note to the beginning to lay it out in case once again someone unable to actually READ a story and listen to the words written has an issue they refuse to address.

 

 

FURTHER EDITS I AM SO SORRY (This journal post chapter was originally written when I wanted more than anything to stop freaking out because someone was accusing me of some horrid things without any actual facts to back it up.) I have previously been harassed by Radical Feminists due to a decision not to include some people into a support group. It was a personal decision and it was a group choice but they tore my life apart because I was elected spokesman. This triggered an overly emotional response and upon discussion with my therapist I have chosen to remove all refrences to most of my personal experincese leaving you only with a general idea of me because as he put it "That's your laundry at least put it in the back yard." But as always if something happened please get help.

 

 

It is time to take a moment out Dear Readers. I feel due to a single commenter. (I am sure not all of you feel this way) That you might need a better understanding of where I am coming from and why I include certain things.  
First let me tell you about myself I am in my Mid-30's I do not have a gender preference in my sexual partners except the fact that I happen to be married and so my preference at this exact point in time is him. I have dated and loved men women and in one case a male to female who discovered the reality of themselves during our time dating. Their preferred term was Transsexual and so that is the term I use when speaking about them. They ALSO preferred gender neutral pronouns. Hence my usage of them. It's a personal choice that I respect for every individual. I lost two lovers to death. One to suicide and one to an accident that fucked me up for a very long time. I love people for their insides. I take monogamy very seriously.  
I have Bi-Polar Disorder. This does affect my Hawke as she is a reflection of myself. So sometimes she will make decisions in a moment she may regret later. Or she will not think clearly at the moment of truth. She will beat herself up over things or over react. She cares about being a good person. She cares about how her actions effect the world around her. She will put herself in danger for others because they mean more to her then her own safety.  
This story was tagged DARK for a reason. It's not fluffy or nice. Kirkwall is a cesspool filled with Vashedan. (literally "refuse" or "trash") BAD SHIT HAPPENS!  
To address the abortion and the things that happen. There is a reason it was there. It was there, because I had to get it out. I talk about it because I and my Hawke and SO MANY OTHERS are not alone. I will not be silent because we stand together and know there is no shame when we have our options taken from us. We also cannot be expected to be ok the next day. Anders will not get off scot-free with the choices he forced on her. He has a history of forcing his opinions on others and that's why I kinda wanna stab him in the eyes. Although I confess that might be Justice's fault.

Hawke chose to take the risk because of a personal belief I hold. Not that ALL abortion is wrong but there are WRONG REASONS. Aborting for gender or due to 'inconvenience' or because you wanted a baby without this gene or that one that otherwise would have been happy healthy and whole is in my opinion wrong. Aborting because they are going to suffer due to a defect or because they are seated wrong and could kill the mother are understandable as far as I believe. 

BUT I do accept this is an OPINION that I hold. You are welcome to have you're own and I find them valid as well. I accept there are no right answers. If such things had a right or wrong answer we wouldn't have to discuss it.

Now all of that said, I will continue to discuss things that are not comfortable. Because Silence Kills. 

The sad truth is that life goes on. Bad things happen. People die, people will hurt you, you will do things you will never forget for all of your days and may never be ok with. But seek help. Hawke went to Sebastian because he was a Brother. I went to Father John because he was my priest. We can not be expected to carry burdens on our own. I think of my past and my baggage like a couch. It is something that I have to move with me when I go though life but it would drag me down if I did it by myself. I have friends family and a loving supportive husband who all help. I hardly notice the weight of it anymore for all of the hands helping me carry it along.

Now I am going to link a few things in that I feel you should pay attention to if you need them. Love is a thousand times stronger than hate and shame.

Suicide prevention

1 (800) 273-8255

suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Survivors of Rape

aftersilence.org

Bi-Polar

Looking for help? dbsalliance.org

Looking to understand? nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml


	23. It all comes out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hawke ends up apologizing, a lot. Anders' deception is found out. And Fenris learns what friendship is about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry things got crazy with the authors notes and all of the edits. Nothing upsets me more than having someone else's views jammed down my throat. I am not writing a story where people do the right thing. If i was it would be so much happier. Life is messy. My life messier than most. You have my humblest apologies. That said. This is a story I am writing because I want to. I do not intend to change it. I will not make anyone better at adjusting or fix peoples flaws because their not constructive to a healthy world. *Cue music from 300* THIS IS KIRKWALL! Only the shittiest place in Thedas and people have to learn as they grow. It is a story about moving on. Life happens. Shit happens. You move on. You take the best you can learn and try to do better next time. 
> 
> Also Song for chapter! https://youtu.be/FFOzayDpWoI

    “GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIM CULLEN!”   
    “THIS IS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN MARIAN! THIS IS TEMPLAR BUSINESS!”   
    The gentle cordiality they had maintained had fractured in an instant. It was gone without another thought leaving the two screaming at each other, Fenris, Carver and Isabella stood behind her with their jaws slack.   
    “I thought you were just killing mages these days!”  
    “Mar shut up, Haven’t we bothered the Knight Captain enough lately.” Carver hissed.   
    But it was Wilmod who broke the tension tearing all attention away from the arguing former lovers. “You have struck me for the last time human.” With a laugh that made her skin crawl Marian watched him abominate. It was the first time she had seen it happen and without another thought her staff came from her back and her magic surged forth. The others joined into the fray swords flashing, daggers slicing, flames bursting forth, sending bits of summoned shades and abominations flying. They worked in teams like a well oiled machine. Fenris and Carver wading in while Isabella harried the edges pushing them tighter together. Everyone clearing when Marian called a warning and dropped a larger spell until there was nothing left but bodies and gore. And Knight Captain Cullen flattened on the ground trying to scramble back from Marian whose eyes flashed as she advanced on him.   
    “I swear to the Maker Cullen if you don’t hold still.” Marian hissed.  
    “Mar, Don’t do this.“ Carver said quietly.  
    “Shut up, no one asked you.” She dropped to the ground and her hand found his side where the abomination had punched a hole into the plate, and blood was leaking freely. He stopped breathing unable to gather the presence of mind to do anything more than sit there as she healed him and then leaned back sitting on her feet. “And now you know.”  
    What surprised Cullen more than anything were the defensive stances her friends still held. Her brother even going so far as to stand on Cullen’s dropped weapon. “Thank you, for your assistance.”  
    When Marian finally spoke it was little more than a whisper. If there had been a single noise on the coast it could have been lost amongst the sound of the waves. “You shouldn’t have been out here alone. You could have been killed. You never would have made it back bleeding like that.”  
    “You could have let me die out here. Taking your secret to my grave.”  
    “Ok yeah, See your point there.” She smiled but it quickly faded. “Next time you want me to let you die? I’ve been such a bitch trying to protect you from that. I just didn’t want you to think… I couldn’t live with myself if you thought it was something you did. It’s my issue. And I kinda handled it like a child. I’m sorry.”  
    Cullen breathed deeply closing his eyes hoping he would not come to regret his next words. He had heard the stories. He had followed her career since he first came to Kirkwall, she did so much good here. “I can forget everything I’ve seen today but we’re even. Do we understand each other Hawke?” This time when she smiled it stayed.  
    She nodded. “I’m still looking for Keran. His sister is out of her mind with worry.”

 

* * *

 

    The motley group found themselves outside of the Blooming Rose. Marian was leaned against the wall eyes wide.  
    “I know what would make you feel better. We could get you an Apostitute HA! Get it!” Isabella laughed again at the same joke.  
    Carver groaned “How long are we going to have to hear that joke? We got it the first time. And every time you told it after.”  
    “Blood magic tends to linger. It is not a pleasant sensation.” Fenris was gentle as he took Hawke by the shoulders and pulled her away from the wall. “We can stop Marian. You don’t have to save everyone. Blood magic is not to be trifled with. You should continue home.” Even Isabella winced at the sharp sound of Marian’s hand connecting across Fenris cheek.   
    “Don’t you dare.” Every word came out as a hiss. “There is a woman waiting for her brother to come home. She is scared and worried, staring out her window. I will NOT make her wait in vain because something was a little scary. Get out of here Fenris. Go the fuck home and hide under your bed like the coward you are. The rest of us will go get Keran back. Even if I can only bring her his body she will know what happened. Carver, Isabella, we can grab Anders on the way. I have a feeling before this is over we will need more healing than I’m going to be able to provide. He’s on the way. Lets go.” She may have been talking to the others but she stared Fenris in the eyes with each word. Searching his face making sure he knew he had crossed a line. She had enough of being afraid. Her worst fears were realized. Cullen knew and now Blood Mages were giving Templars even more reason to be afraid of them.   
    The trio walked off Isabella slinging an arm around Hawke as they went. “I found some REALLY pretty panties! You want some? Nothing makes me feel better than pretty panties!”  
    “You don’t even wear panties Isabella why would you take that? Besides, who knows how many people have been in and out of those.”  
    “So I have something to leave them to remember me by sweetness! How can they pine for me when I’m gone if I don’t leave them something!” Fenris could hear her laughter ring out.   
    He was doing it again. He was making a mess of being a friend. He looked to his feet to discover Payne standing there head cocked to one side.   
    “What are you still doing here?” Payne whined and nipped at his gauntleted hand. “I don’t know what you want. I don’t know how to make things right between us.” Payne grabbed his hand again and this time stole the entire gauntlet before running off. Fenris shook his head. Payne always brought his treasures to Hawke. He would just retrieve it later.

 

* * *

  
    The sewer was scattered with the bodies of demons and abominations alike. The Blood Mages nothing more than crumpled heaps on the ground. Marian sat heavily onto a crate a hand going to the small of her back. Please sweet Andraste let that be a cramp. It would explain a lot. Like how the blood mage had gotten into her head so easily. “Anders, check him for possession please.”   
    Anders took a step toward her instead, “Let me look at you first. You don’t look well.” Marian glared at him and she swore his face only got brighter.   
    “I’m fine,” She hissed. “But I’m not returning a possessed Templar bomb. Check… him… for… possession… NOW!”   
    “Maker Marian! You’re being a bitch today! What’s up your ass? Shouldn’t you be happy the Knight Captain agreed to let it go?” Carver was wiping the gore from his blade and checking the surrounding area for anything to make a few more coins.   
    “Let your sister be Carver. She’s in a delicate condition.” Anders let a sweep of blue light pass thorough Keran. “He’s clear. Any demon inside should have made itself known to that.”  
    “What do you mean my sister is in a ‘delicate condition?’ She’s the strongest person I know.” Carver just looked puzzled but Marian was quickly advancing on Anders.   
    “Yes Anders. What do you mean I’m in a delicate condition?” By the time she stopped she had him backed against the wall.   
    Anders’ adams apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed hard. “I just mean, it’s possible. I mean maybe it didn’t work?” There was a pleading whine in his voice.  
    “Oh liar liar. I smell smoke is it coming from your pants? It look’s like their on fire. You… know Blondie, if you’re going to lie to angry women the least you could do is try and be convincing.” Isabella mocked. There wasn’t any place else she’d rather be right now than witnessing this show.   
    “Marian, I couldn’t. I knew you’d come around. I won’t ever let you do that.” Marian was furious. It had been her choice. She had felt so vindicated when she had poured out that bottle. Like she had made a choice all her own. Suddenly she felt violated and betrayed in a manner deeper than anything she had ever known. “Anders, Go back to your clinic. We’re done here. Oh, and don’t bother showing up for the expedition. I need to trust everyone I take down there with me. I can’t even trust you when it shouldn’t matter.”  
    She turned on her heel and pulled Keran up slinging his arm over her shoulder. “Let’s get you back.” Her eyes went to Carver and the two locked for a moment. “Your sister is worried about you. She just want’s you home safe. It’s a terrible thing to sit around waiting for someone you love. There’s no better feeling then when they come running down the road yelling at you for standing about being stupid.” Carver smiled and took Keran’s other arm. The two siblings held tight to each other behind his back as they returned him to his order and the sister who so desperately awaited his return.

 

* * *

  
    As if feeling like crap wasn’t enough, Marian was now aware she would feel like crap for the next few days much to her relief. But now she was standing outside of Fenris’ mansion. She had enough excuses to be there. Payne stole his gauntlet. She promised him a reading lesson. She owed him an apology for losing her temper on him earlier. ‘I’m sorry. How hard is that. It’s two freaking words. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sorry I hit you. It’s just it was so much like waiting for Carver to come back from Ostagar. No… keep it simple. I’m sorry I’m bitchy I’m just having my moon. No… bad idea. Never blame girl things.” Over and over again she rehearsed her speech trying to find the right words.   
    She must have stood out there for the greater portion of an hour before the door opened and he was staring at her. “Hawke. Would you like to come in? Or are you just going to stand there all night talking to my door knob?”  
    “Fenris! I uh I just came by to say… To say…” She could swear he smirked at her for just a moment.  
    “It’s alright, I heard you. Repeatedly. It is why I am here to put an end both to your misery and mine.” Hawke relaxed then.  
    “I’m really sorry.” Fenris stepped out of the doorway and swept his hand motioning her in.  
    “That is the point of friendship is it not. To forgive without requiring anything. Simply because we understand. I am afraid I might have ruined my ink. I was unaware it could dry so quickly.” He almost looked ashamed and his head dropped.    
    Marian laughed. “You can just put a bit more water into it. Ink’s easy like that. Now here’s your Gauntlet. We’ll work on reading tonight. I brought you a book. I can simply read it to you and you can follow along to see how the letters sound together.”   
    The two settled onto a pile of pillows before his fire and she began to read. His eyes drifted from the page to her face, watching her instead of the book. It was enough for him that she had come to apologize at all. He had never felt like the wronged party but she had apologized regardless. The night slipped on as she read. She didn’t even notice when he reached out at one point to catch a lock of hair threatening to fall into her eyes. He laid it gently back into place careful not to disturb the spell her words cast between them. It was good to have a friend if this was what it meant. When she reached the last page she closed the book. “Oh maker! I can’t believe we read the whole thing! Did you like it?”   
    He smiled. “I did. I thank you for sharing it with me. It was, interesting. Do all books end with such nonsense.”  
    Marian laughed to the point she was flopped fully out on the floor. “Maker Fenris! Only the good ones.”  
    “But everyone got everything they wanted. The hero came out of it all with everything he could have ever asked for and more. Only a fool would let a peasant boy marry a princess and become king of an entire land. They would be over run in months.” His brow furrowed unable to understand what made that a good tale.   
    “That’s why it’s a story Fenris. Real life sucks. People get hurt and no one really gets to be happy forever. You just take what little bits of it you can get before life fucks it all up.” She rolled onto her stomach and pulled another pillow over. “I’m going home in a minute. This is just the first time I’ve been comfortable all day. I’m just gonna sit here for a second ok?”   
     Fenris would have answered but her eyes were already closed and a gentle snore had started. He shook his head. Who would have thought, the great and mighty Hawke, snored.

 

* * *

  
    In the morning when Marian woke to the first rays of sun stabbing through threadbare curtains, she never gave any thought to the fact she was no longer on the floor before the fire. Instead she was tucked gently into his bed, her shoes sitting beside it. She fled the mansion hoping to make it home before Mother noticed.   
    Fenris for his part, watched her from his vigil in the chair thankful that she finally looked better rested than she had since that night on the coast. He had intended to sleep in the chair but his eyes wouldn’t close. His mind was filled with thoughts of what it meant to have real friends. He was no longer just a blade to her. She had made that clear. He didn’t know how to be a friend. But for Hawke, he would try.

**Author's Note:**

> I have never published anything before so kindly comment even if you do not comment kindly. It is a proven scientific fact that comments cause writers to produce faster. So hit that Kudo button if your fingers are too broken to type me a few words or comment if you love me.


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